Color

Adri

"Why do you do this?"

I looked up from my hot coffee and stared at Adri. Her beautiful face reminded me so much of Gale's, except Adri's eyes were so sad and tired. Like mine. "Craving."

She met my eyes and I was forced to look away. I know she knows that I'm too scared to make eye contact with her, but we never talked about it. I was too ashamed to tell her I felt guilty. This girl has been with me through thick and thin. She was my sister. We both loved each other (not in that way) but I didn't know how to make it up to her. Her staying with me is helping me keep my sanity but I wasn't doing her any favors. She couldn't even be caught being alone with me or else her sister and her sister's boyfriends (who was also my best friend) which is why we were here at a crappy cafe. She had no reason to love me, especially because she was already moving on, but here she was anyway, in this unknown cafe.

TBH, the coffee and the ice cream flavors (they have red bean paste ice cream which is the best; you should try it, it's to d̶i̶e̶ live for) are not bad. It's the place. There was peeling dusty rose paint and the chairs didn't all the match. Weird decor and old paintings hung around the walls. Although not many people came to eat here, the tables were overcrowded. It didn't look that bad from the outside, but it didn't look like the type of place you would go to either. The entrance was found at the side, forcing you to enter the alley.

"That's not how you're supposed to deal with heartbreak. It's been years."

"Heh. It's not just heartbreak. It was a loss, too. It's been years and well, look at you."

She scoffed as she took a spoonful of ice cream. "At least I'm not going around hurting other people."

"But you're still hurting. You're still hurting yourself."

She looked back up at me again and I pretended to be super interested by the ceiling fan.

"Sorry, I just... That was out of line."

She pulled up her sleeves. "You mean these? I have been clean for months. Since summer."

"You.. you didn't tell me."

"I'm sorry. It's just... Why not Melody? She was beautiful. You guys lasted for a while, too. You said it yourself. She had a chance."

I nodded. "I want it to happen. I wanted it. But I didn't feel it. I think I just want someone. It's like wanting to hang out with you which I can do but I specifically want to hang out with you and not be worried of what Ally and Rowan might do. I know I'm supposed to be satisfied with what I have: you. But I just wish... I don't know. Bad analogy."

"You wish you had a little more?"

"Yes. But I know that it's selfish."

She smiled. "Hey. We all wish we have a little more, don't we?"

"I don't want just anyone."

"You want Gale."

"But I can't have Gale."

"So find someone new without hurting everyone else. Why do you have to play with their feelings?"

"I already told you, Adri. I'm cruel, I'm selfish. I want to hurt."

"I get it! You're angry at the world! Don't hurt others just because you're hurting! They didn't do anything wrong. Blame fucking cancer. Blame the fucking accident. Blame the fucking idiot who decided to drink and drive. But don't hurt people just because you're hurt. Hurt people shouldn't hurt people. Hurt people should be trying to fix the world so that others don't feel your pain."

"The world can't be fixed."

"But you can be fixed."

"How?"

"Slow down. Stop hurting others. Find another way to free the pain. Stop comparing everyone to Gale. She wasn't a perfect girl anyway. She had her downfalls. There's no one like her but maybe someone can make you as happy as she did if only you let it happen."

"Easy for you to say. You found August. Love isn't always the answer maybe."

"Just please stop being a stubborn fuck boy."

"Still a virgin."

Her eyes flashed dangerously. "You of all people should know that I don't think sex has nothing to with love sometimes."

"Sorry."

She took another scoop of ice cream. "Here. Have some."

I took a bite. "Thanks."

"Next time you think about flirting with someone, tell me who."

"I always do."

"This time, I want you to tell me before you make moves. And if you don't do as I say, it'll break my heart more than the person you're fucking with."
She said it as if it didn't mean anything but I knew she meant it seriously.
"I think I just want love. Like when kids go out with someone cute that they don't love just for the sake of going out. I just want to feel something, or at least pretend to feel something."
"I know. Each time after you hurt someone, each time when we have this talk, you tell me the same thing. When are you ever going to change?"