This chapter/entry/part is going to be quite depressing... sorry!
I don't want my back to define me. I'm not that different. (Have I said this before?)
But although I wear my brace 24/7 now, every time I take it off I see myself in the mirror (there's one on my wardrobe door) and I wonder if that's really me. Is it really me with the hunched shoulders, big dip in one side of my upper body and the hump sticking out of my ribcage? I have come to the conclusion that in more than one way, it is.
A) It is physically me. This is my back with a curve in it. Even if I shift my weight over to the left and straighten myself from the front, I still have the same curve and hump. Nothing will make a difference until I get surgery.
B) I'm afraid it is me in general. My scoliosis is defining me. Most of the people I know don't view me as me. They view me as the girl with the back brace. The girl who can't sit down. The girl who can't pick things up for herself. The girl that mostly hovers at lunchtime (unless I get a seat on the Bench!!!). The girl who is one of the causes of the Bench saga. (Only some people will know what I'm on about :o) The girl who... OK, that's enough.
Even in lessons. I fidget. Mainly because I'm trying to find a position that's actually comfortable (ish). I know I look stupid trying to adjust my brace from the hips wearing a school uniform. I've had some strange looks...
In Food Technology, we have to take our blazers off. WORST. NIGHTMARE. My blazer is the one thing that actually stops me getting embarassed because it is so big it's like a box and you can't see the huge outline (and the hump). In Food Technology last week, I had to get someone else to do up my apron because I couldn't move my shoulders enough to tie it and I could literally read her mind. That's what they mean by 'eyes in the back of the head'. I could feel her thinking "What is she wearing????". And I could feel people's eyes boring into my back, through the brace, also thinking that.
I'll try to be positive. I haven't had to go out of the classroom yet to adjust it properly, although the straps loosen themselves throughout the day so by the end of the day I'm walking really stiff to try and hold it in place.
It's no fun having this scoliosis!
YOU ARE READING
A Scoliosis Journey
Non-FictionSince everyone seems to be doing diaries and blogs right now, I'm going to do one too. This is my attempt to raise awareness of my back condition. Also trying to make sense of it in my own mind!
