Excerpts From Unwritten Stories

Reality

Here I sit, alone, desperately sifting through my thoughts with trembling fingers. Why do I feel like this? Why can't I put a name to what I'm feeling?
My brain is scattered. It's in a million places at once. I physically feel a sinking sensation in my heart as it weighs me down, body drooping. I am painfully aware of every breath I take as my lungs heave against that terrible feeling you get before you erupt into tears.
There is, surely, something very specific troubling me that I shoved ruthlessly to the back of my mind. I can feel it, and it itches. It wants to be rediscovered. It wants to be recognized. But something in me refuses to go there. Something tells me to shut up and to quit snooping around in places I don't belong. I'll only get hurt.
I briefly look down at the palm of my hand, and something hits me. I already know I'm a pretty lonely person, but is there something more to that? What kind of "lonely" do I feel? Now I'm staring intently at my palm, as if it can solve all my problems if I could read it.
This time, something even stronger crashes into me. I'm terribly lonely. But it's not the type of "lonely" that suddenly appears and suddenly leaves. It's not the type of "lonely" that can be easily fixed with the presence of another person. No, this type of lonely has held my hand for quite some time, and it doesn't plan on letting go anytime soon. I've been ignoring it, turning my face away, pretending it isn't crushing my fingers with its grip. I even pretend to like it. And, occasionally, I find a way to work with it well. But it hurts me.
Where does this feeling stem from? Why do I feel empty? Why do I feel as though I've been walking alone in the dark for so many years, even though I can clearly see the beautiful faces of people I know and love?
Ah. I know why. I don't want to know why, but I will tell you, and I will remind myself.
You see, people are temporary. All of them. Your favorite teacher in eighth grade? You don't think about him anymore. And your best friend is the most important person in the world to you, right? You'd do anything to see them smile, wouldn't you? Don't you love laughing together? Oh, but you don't have to worry about that much longer. They'll leave. You won't care about them anymore. They'll be replaced. And that same cycle will happen again and again throughout the course of your life.
And hey, get this: you are just as temporary to everyone else as they are to you. That's right. You won't have a lasting legacy. No one will remember you. Ha, you think you matter to him? In just a few years he won't remember your name. Wow, you really think you're her best friend, don't you? Don't you? Give it time: I repeat, give it time. Time washes away the strongest among us, so surely it can wipe away any feeble impact you may have made.
The thing is, despite all this, I want so desperately to matter to someone. I don't want to be forgotten. I need consistency, at least a little. I believe that the strongest, most lasting connection you will ever feel for someone will be for your spouse. It would be incredible to be loved in such a way, and to shamelessly love someone else with every ounce of your being. But I put my trust in no such luxury, no such bond. I'm so very hard to love. I doubt anyone would be up to the daunting task of spending his entire life with me. I'm not even up to it sometimes. I can be a little childish, stubborn, unreasonably sad, and sometimes I complain when I'm stressed. I'm not a good fit for anyone. I'll never be that "dream girl" that any guy would want, and people deserve so much more than what I have to offer them. I'm inevitably doomed to a life of "just friends," "dismissed," "rejected," and "out of mind." Even so, my heart yearns for the future, futile hope of marriage so eagerly. It hurts.
So, here I am, alone, to stay. I'll be waiting here in the shadows forever, waiting to be noticed. My body stops trembling a little, and I finally cave in and let one solitary tear fall down my cheek. It's best for me to confront my fear of loneliness early, so I'm not so shocked when I'm continually alone.
I close my eyes and let my dreams take me away for a little while.