The Memory of a Dream

Fantasies are not Realities

I was finally off my shift after begging Melanie to take over as the soldier's tech and I took Nancy for her. I couldn't possibly face him again after what happened. It was inappropriate, so beyond inappropriate, it made me sick.

I walked to the door to leave and saw the snow falling so thick, I couldn't even see my car in the parking lot. This made the evening even worse. I was not a good driver as it is, but add snow to the mix and a 15-minute drive becomes 45.

I flipped on the radio and waited for my car to warm up, If I tried to drive too soon, I'd stall out and get stuck so I had to wait. As I waited I thought about it, about him, the soldier. "Oh my god! How stupid can I be?!", I said to myself with a face palm. I have never done anything even remotely inappropriate ever. Anything dangerous or rebellious I did, I did alone. I drank alone, I got high alone, I even had sex alone. I wasn't okay with stepping out of my comfort zone. I wasn't okay with breaking my own unwritten rule of crossing a line that could result in a loss of job or friends or even self-respect. I crinkled my nose and closed my eyes tight and turned up the radio to let the Foo Fighters push this event out of my head.

I was on the road, going about 20mph in a thick storm of snow. It was light and fluffy, but I wasn't used to driving in it, especially at night.

My mind kept drifting back to that incident. I kept seeing his eyes and his face and his lips in my mind. It was really making me feel careless and guilty. I just started singing jingle bells, as loud as I could, because if I didn't focus on my driving, I'd crash over thoughts of him.

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My bed felt so luxurious after the day I had. I spent the rest of my shift filling out a pile of paperwork and doing all the intakes so that Chip wouldn't suspect I was trying to avoid taking care of the soldier. I just needed to avoid the situation. Melanie took my shift with him, but I didn't tell her why. She's not a good secret keeper and I need this to be just another one of my secrets. Between me and the soldier who doesn't talk....at least I hope he doesn't.

I just laid in bed, watching the snow fall outside my window and I could see the flashing reflection of the neon sign from the all night diner across the street. I had to get some sleep, my shift was early the next morning and I had dinner plans with Henry later that night. We had been having problems, little spats about nonsense and we desperately needed some one on one time. I had to have my focus for that, that was part of our problem. He always said I was somewhere else, I too focused on work and not focused enough on us. I closed my eyes in hopes of getting some shut eye and just forgetting about the day.I knew I would feel better once it was out of my head. My regrets usually worked that way, if I just slept on it, it went away and I could brush it under the rug like always....the neon sign flashed 12 times before I stopped counting.

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I walked down the ward hall, towards his room. The med cart was with me and I knew I had to face this, but I was nervous and frustrated. I couldn't say no to caring for him again or else Melanie and Chip would ask questions so I just kept walking. The ward was quiet and the lights seemed to dim behind me. I couldn't hear voices or Melanie's keyboard clicking or Chip giggling to Tina on the phone. All I heard was breathing. The soldier's heavy, deep breathing. I could hear it like it was amplified over our emergency intercom. As I got closer and closer, the lights got dimmer and the breathing got faster. I turned into his room. He was alone, standing by the window. The street lights were shining on his skin and as he turned around, I noticed his flannel shirt was open to reveal his chest. It was painted with scars and I was shocked and sad at the sight. I walked in slowly and the door closed behind me. Only the lights outside were shining in the room so I could see his outline against the window. His black jeans hung low, his hip bones jutted out and his abs were carved into the length of his torso.

He held his hand out, I grabbed it and he pulled me close and as he bent down, his lips so close to my neck, his breath on my skin and his hair brushing my cheek, the emergency alarm went off. It was glaringly loud, it kept getting louder and louder and I ran out of the ward and there they were, Chip and Melanie and Leon and the nurse and the ER med techs and a room full of people laughing at me, their laughs echoed through my brain and all I could scream was, "Turn off the fucking alarm!!!!"

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I shot up in bed, I was sweating and I looked over at my nightstand and saw it was 6:03 AM. My alarm clock woke me up, out of this dream, this ridiculous dream that has invaded my brain like a parasite. I just buried my face in my hands. I had to face it today, I had to face it in less than an hour and my stomach turned. I felt sick. The only thing that helps in these situations was just a few feet away and if I didn't do something to relieve these thoughts of the soldier, I wouldn't make it past noon. I walked to the bathroom, closed the door, opened my medicine cabinet. I grabbed the picture of my grandmother and taped behind it was my savior. I was going let this go once and for all. Just a little relief and I can get my head together.

I wonder what's going on in the soldiers head today.

It's 6:12 am and I am late.