The Memory of a Dream

Avoidance is Futile

I arrived at work reluctantly and very tired. I had no time to stop and fuel up with caffeine as usual so I text Melanie earlier to make sure coffee was on in the lunch room.

"Hey, Hey, Hey! Party just arrived!", Melanie sang as I walked into the intake room. She was so nauseatingly happy in the morning, I never wanted to punch someone more than right now.

"Hey, Melanie. How's it going?", I asked with a sleepless, raspy voice.

"It is going well, all is quiet so far, but it's early, they are all at breakfast....ooooh, ooooh, ooooh the soldier dude is awake and out of the straps!", she said slyly while making whipping sounds.

I just rolled my eyes and sat down in my chair, slumped over in my exhaustion.

"Oh my god, Jen, he managed to get a shower and put a comb through that nasty hair and put on clean clothes and let me tell you, he looks halfway....decent. Not as creepy and homeless as he did last night.", she exclaimed while looking at her bright pink nails.

I just nodded and contemplated whether I should get up and get coffee or beg her to get it for me.

"Yeah, I guess he's still not talking, but the night tech said he calmed down totally and followed orders and just cooperated...oh and then he said he was mumbling to himself in his room. He stood outside to see if he could tell what he was saying, but he said it was either gibberish or another language. Super weird, right?", she said to me as if I was actually listening to her.

"Jen? Earth to Jen?", she asked in a whiney tone.

"Yeah I heard you, that's crazy. He's a mystery.", I said sarcastically.

"What's up with you today?", she asked.

I sighed, "Nothing, I'm just not sleeping well. I'm gonna go get coffee real quick."

As I got up to walk to the lunch room, I grabbed my badge so I could enter the door. The staff lunch room is beyond the patient cafeteria and I had passed by the patients eating breakfast.I didn't even think about the fact he would be there until I came through the doors and Nancy yelled my name loudly. "Jenna, my darling girl! Can you please tell this jackass over here to get me my prune juice?", Nancy said while pointing to the day tech. I didn't know his name, he hardly worked and when he did he just kind of stood around looking annoyed. He briefly glanced at Nancy and I and went back to reading his weight lifting magazine.

"I'll take care of it, Nancy, I got your back.", I said with a wink.

"Thanks, doll, you're the only one around here who ain't a worthless piece of crap!", she shouted.

I laughed and kept walking and as I got closer the doors that led into the staff hallway, I saw him. The soldier. He was sitting alone. His arms resting on the table, he was staring at his coffee, his tray full of untouched food. He glanced at me and at first, I thought he looked unaffected. I had a very brief moment of relief, but then when I didn't look away, I realized his expression. He remembered, he wasn't too sedated to remember what happened and he just sat there, his shoulders hunched over but his back was straight.

He had on the red shirt I recognized from the lost and found box. We used that box to give to patients who came in without acceptable clothing. It was a cotton, long sleeve tee shirt, a few buttons down the front. It had been there for months and I remember I kept seeing it every time I looked for clothing for patients and it just never went away. I noticed it didn't fit him perfectly, I mean it wasn't his size, but I guess it did fit him...perfectly. I knew he was in good shape but this was ridiculous. I could literally see every muscle in his back through that damned red shirt. I was starting to think God was playing a joke on me, testing my reserve.

I looked away and hurried to the staff hallway, I swiped my badge and went into the staff lunchroom and filled my cup to the brim with coffee. I just stood there a minute. I didn't want walk back out there but they had 20 minutes left of breakfast and I couldn't hang out in the lunchroom all day. I stalled for about a 2 minutes and bit the bullet.

I went back through the doors and entered the cafeteria and as I walked through, the day tech was taking the soldiers vitals. The day tech stood there looking inconvenienced and put the blood pressure cuff around the soldier's arm and it hardly even fastened with the velcro.

"Seriously!?", I sad whispered to myself while looking at the sky.

I kept looking away but he just kept looking at me. He looked determined and contemplative.

Nancy grabbed my arm and asked me about her prune juice. I told her I forgot and I would get her an extra bottle at lunch. Then she just kept going on and on about 1940's movies and how movies aren't made that way anymore. I wasn't listening to her. I felt like I was in a trance. I felt like some force wouldn't let me break the soldier's gaze. It wasn't until I heard Melanie's voice over the walkie that I realized I was in a zone. I was a bit embarrassed and hurried out of the cafeteria. I rushed back to the intake room and prayed I had a lot of paperwork to do. To my satisfaction, Melanie failed to finish hers so I offered to do it if she took some of my assigned patients. She obliged and I sat down in relief. I could successfully avoid the soldier...or so I thought.