The Memory of a Dream

Scars of the Past

I tried to forget about the soldier for now. I had electronic charts to finish and still had evening vitals before I ended my shift and met with Henry. I nearly forgot we had plans for dinner at 7. I was rather excited to see him, to get my mind off of work, but another part of me felt guilty for allowing my mind to let thoughts of other men enter at all.

I shook it off and picked up my form for documenting patients. This is usually an intake exam thing, but since my co-workers are slackers, I guess I have no choice. I planned on doing his exam in the usual exam room with the door open since the day tech refused to assist.

I walked to his room and stuck my head in. He was laying in his bed, his knees up, his arm over his face.

"Uh, Mr. Barnes?", I asked. He lifted his head and looked at me. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I need to do your documentation before my shift ends. Do you mind coming with me?", again why am I asking the patients permission?!

He got up calmly and walked towards me, he followed me down the hall. The intake exam room was currently occupied by Nancy and her prune juice drama. Melanie was trying to calm her and didn't want to cause a scene in the hall or rec room. I stood here a second thinking.

I would have to use our back-up room in the staff hallway as we weren't allowed to do exams in patient rooms for patient privacy.

I was reluctant to take him into the other exam room but I had other option and wanted to get it over with and leave.

I swiped my badge and we walked quietly through the cafeteria and then to the other door. Another swipe and into the staff hallway. It was dark. We usually only used the hallway for backup rooms or lunch or to sneak in a vape break. Everything was done at intake because we basically had no time to sit by ourselves and do anything away from patients and that was usually where other techs were present.

The lights in the hallway came on as we walked in. "Just down here, third door on the right.", I said to him pointing ahead of me.

We walked in and the light clicked on with a buzz. I got my forms ready and took a seat on the swivel doctors stool, I left the door open. "Okay, I just have to write down your injuries....um well one mark on your forehead. Check!", I said in an awkward tone.

"Um, can you lift your shirt please?", I asked nervously. He casually slipped his shirt up and then suddenly over his head. It took me a minute to process what I saw. This guy was standing here, shirtless and I had to look away.

I wrote down the scars I saw and asked him to turn around. His back was littered with scars. Long, thick scars. Short nicks. Round, cigar-shaped scars. Scars that looked like electrical burns, scars from gunshots and burns and cuts and whips and even human bite marks. I was stunned. I was completely speechless. I put the clipboard down on the counter and walked to him. His back was towards me. I just stood there, I was close enough to feel the heat from his skin. I wanted to cry and scream and yell at the atrocities this man was put through. I was confused and frustrated. I just stood there and he just stood there.

I didn't know how to respond and I just reactively put my fingers on his scars. I ran my fingers in an outline around each one. I was overwhelmed and all sense left my brain and I just rested my forehead on his back. He was breathing fast and tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to hold back the tears to the point my throat started to burn from straining to keep from weeping. He slowly turned around. "Oh god, I'm sorry. This is really inappropriate.", I said sniffling and wiping my face and feeling flushed and angry and sad and so many emotions for him that I just stood there gasping.

He suddenly bent down and slid his arms under mine and just scooped me up into a hug. He lifted me off the ground and he hugged me so tightly and I could hear him whimpering and his mouth was on my neck. I just held onto him tightly and I said I was sorry over and over again and then I just instinctively kissed his temple. I brushed his hair away from his face and his lips were so close to mine that they lightly brushed against my own. Something in me broke, I pushed him away and I apologized again.

"Uh, God, this is not good. I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional and inappropriate....Uh, we're done. We need to go back to the ward. Now.", I said wiping my face and trying to regain my composure. I turned from him so I didn't see his expression and I stared at the calendar on the wall that had dancing fruit on it and I focused on that so I could feel normal and in control again.

I walked him out of the room and out of the hall, through the cafeteria and then kept walking to the intake room and he stopped at his room.

At that moment I knew I had broken a very big rule this was put in place for a very good reason. No tech is supposed to be in a room alone with a patient. Always two techs and I looked past that rule because I so secretly, desperately needed to be with him. I was shaken and confused and ashamed.

"Hey Jen, aren't you outta here?", Melanie asked looking at her watch.

I hadn't realized it was 7:13 pm and I was supposed to meet Henry for dinner in two minutes. It would take me 20 to get to the restaurant.

"Oh shit, I was finishing up something and didn't realize.", I said.

"Hey are you okay", she asked.

I nodded and rushed out.

I knew Henry would more than upset and I was more than upset at myself and I couldn't process what happened.

I got in my car and just sat there for a moment.

For once in my life, I felt out of control and rebellious and spontaneous...I felt alive and awake and scared and full of questions that only I had the answers to even if I didn't know it yet.

I felt alive and awake and scared and full of questions that only I had the answers to even if I didn't know it yet.