use me // phan

we could be together, if you wanted to.

**2010**

Phil paced back and forth, unable to process the mess of emotions that were flowing forth. Dan sat on the sofa in his lounge, bouncing his knee anxiously, keeping his eyes on the floor. They had been staying with each other for a few months, but had not officially moved in together. They had confessed their feelings to one another a couple months back, unable to hold it in any longer. After all the phone calls and five hour Skype sessions, they'd finally met, and there was no point in holding back.

They were young and in love, their innocence met with lust, completely tangled in each other's worlds. Living and breathing each other.

Until today.

"I can't believe this happened," Phil almost whispered. His hands shook as he cradled his face in them. "D-Dan, everyone knows, I wasn't ready, we're not ready..." he muttered shakily. "M-My family, they won't understand.." he sobbed. Dan finally looked up at him, saddened by how truly shaken Phil was by the whole situation.
He was hurt. This was after all Dan's first real, legitimate relationship as an adult and he'd fallen completely head over heels for Phil the moment he first saw him. From the moment they first met, first intertwined, he was in heaven.

"But, Phil.. hey, listen, not everybody knows, okay..?" he attempted to console his boyfriend. What was he so scared of anyway? "We love each other, that's all that matters.." Dan said in a small voice. He wanted to reassure Phil as long as he needed to. If it kept this from falling apart, he'd do it forever. He craved what they had together, he'd never been so happy.

Phil nodded quietly, trying to comply before meeting Dan's eyes, ready to overflow with tears. "D-Dan, it just isn't time.. y'know? P-People can't handle it, they've made that obvious.." Phil said calmly, taking the younger man's face in his hands. Dan looked up at him, eyes welling up and seeking some sort of answer. Something, anything. "Y-You're not leaving me, Phil..? Are you..?" he asked, his throat becoming swollen and his words muffled. Phil pulled Dan in close, shaking his head quickly.

Dan was terrified. He couldn't lose this. Couldn't lose him. This was his universe, his entire life contained in one person's body and soul. "Shh, shh.. Dan, I love you. You know that, don't you? Love you more than anything.." Phil mumbled into Dan's hair, softly rubbing his back as he did so. Dan nodded and sniffled, wiping his own tears away and trying to catch his breath. "Let's go lay down, yeah? Put a movie on or somethin'?" Phil inquired sweetly. Dan grabbed Phil's hand and followed him to his bedroom, feeling his eyes fall closed as soon as his head hit the pillow.

*next morning*

Light came through the window in Phil's small room, as it did every morning, casting a grey shadow across the floor. Clouds rolled past outside and rain began falling. Dan stirred and reached over, feeling a cold, empty space next to him in Phil's bed. His heart sank. Memories of last night flood back and he wants to cry almost immediately. He opened his eyes to find the bedroom door cracked open slightly, the drone of the TV pouring in from the living room. He needed to find Phil. He needed to know if they were okay.

'Are we gonna make it? Oh, god, please don't take this from me.. he's all I have,' Dan pleaded internally.

He slowly walks into the lounge, still a bit sleepy and dazed, rubbing his eyes as he sits down next to Phil. His heart pounds and his stomach churns, not knowing what he could or couldn't say; what he should or shouldn't do.

"Morning," Phil said simply, not his usual smiley, sugary self. This already had Dan uneasy. "Morning.." Dan replied quietly, the rage of nerves in his stomach barely allowed him to speak. Phil muted the TV and turned to face Dan, causing the younger man to bite his lip in anticipation. Maybe he'd kiss him, hold his hand, hug him? Something to put his mind at ease?