use me // phan

can we simply starve this sin?

*same day*

Dan wandered in through the large door of their apartment, pulling his achingly tired body up the stairs. He'd always hated that their flat had so many stairs, and often wondered why they'd chosen it in the first place. His chest had become increasingly heavy, the weight of everything that could possibly happen weighing down on him with no mercy. Phil had shown him so much last night, so much raw emotion and Dan didn't even bother second guessing it. He'd known Phil long enough, he knew it was completely genuine. He was just terrified of what would happen next, so scared of the unknown. Would Phil go about it with denial and closed-mindedness like always? Or could it go slightly better?

Dan put his keys back in his pocket, cringing as the metal scraped lightly against his phone. He slowly walked towards the kitchen, turning the corner to see Phil sitting on the couch, completely upright. Not normal for Phil. He looked so tense, so on edge, Dan would've bolted across the room and pulled him in tight if he didn't know better. Dan set his bag on the floor, and as it landed with a light sound against the paneling, Phil turned his head. He wasn't in tears anymore, but god, the sight of him broke Dan's heart like nothing else. He was paler than ever, massive dark circles laced the areas beneath his eyes, which were so sore, so worn out. He had one of Dan's t-shirts on, all baggy and wrinkly, as he'd been sleeping in it. His hair was a mess and Dan couldn't help but feel the urge to fix it. 'He looks beautiful', Dan thought. He wouldn't argue with himself.

Phil stood up slowly, his tall body returning to its poor posture. He made his way through the room and stood at a distance, chewing his lip as he stared at his feet. Dan almost caught himself smiling as he stared at them, too; Phil and his mismatched socks. Dan let out a shuddered sigh as their eyes met, and then a small smile. "I see you've borrowed without asking. Again," Dan mumbled, a slight teasing tone in his voice. Phil chuckled quietly and shrugged. "I couldn't help it, just.." Phil trailed off as Dan inched closer to him. They slowly wrapped their arms around each other, both sets of arms shaking slightly until they came into a full embrace. Dan buried his face in Phil's neck, nuzzling slightly as Phil held him tighter. They stood in silence for a few moments, soaking in the comfort of being with each other again. "I am so sorry," Phil whispered, rubbing Dan's back lightly, trying to be as gentle as possible with him. Dan shushed him quietly, still nuzzling as he ran his fingers through Phil's hair, subtly trying to fix it.

Phil took the younger man by his hand and led him into their lounge, sitting down on the couch but trying not to move too close. He just wanted to kiss him and hold him, just holding his hand for a moment was enough to heal every open wound. But, he wasn't entirely sure how upset Dan still was, and he didn't want to push any boundaries right now. Dan took a deep breath, nodding towards Phil as to gesture he was ready to listen. Phil let out a heavy sigh, tilting his head back slightly before letting his words out. "These are the things I need you to know," he began, Dan staring at him with heavy eyes, still filled with love nonetheless. "I love you. I love every single miniscule detail about you. Every freckle, every scar, every laugh, cry, mood. Wh-When you're in a room with me, I can't see anything but you, I-" Phil began choking on tears, and Dan squeezed his hand, nodding again to assure him that this was good. "Everything else melts away, I only see you, you're so beautiful," Phil confessed, swallowing thickly and Dan bit his lip, never wanting to let go of this. The things Phil had said were wonderful, but he needed to get his thoughts out as well.

"You.. you used me, Phil.. we've been using each other," Dan said, his voice coming out only as a tiny rasp. "Why have we been lying so long.. to ourselves, to each other?" Phil wiped a tear away and took Dan's hand in both of his. "I just.. I didn't ever know if I could fix this, Dan, or if you even wanted me to, we just.. we fell in so deep. We've wasted so many years, and.. I-I hurt you Dan, I hurt you so many times," Phil said as he cried softly. He couldn't hold it in any longer. "It happened and.. we did it out of fear, you and I both.. we were so scared of rejection, not being accepted.. Phil all I know is I.. I couldn't stand being away from you," Dan muttered, trying to hold his own tears back. They hadn't talked like this in so long, it'd been years.

"Phil, I-I can't stand the thought of someone else holding you at night, it makes me sick to my stomach," Dan stuttered, covering his face as he began to cry, too. Phil pulled him into his chest, moving his body closer to his with ease. "No, Dan, shh, you don't ever have to worry about that," Phil hushed, wincing as more tears fell, "I just.. god I wish I could purge this from my memory, that I ever caused this. I wish I'd accepted I was hurting you. I wanted it to be something else that was causing your pain, not this." Dan cuddled in close, sniffling as he placed a hand on Phil's chest. "I just, h-hope you can forgive me as time goes on, Dan, I.." Phil rambled, clutching Dan's shirt as his breathing slowed. Dan looked up at him, blinking tears away, still unable to believe how much he loved this man after all he'd been put through. "I'd do it all over again, if it meant I could be with you," he said, placing a hand on Phil's shoulder, pulling himself up to sit in his lap. "We'll take things slow, yeah? It'll take time, it won't happen overnight, but.. I won't act like I can live without you or live with you just as a friend." He kissed Phil's cheek and rested there for a moment, living and breathing the comfort they provided for one another.

"You are literally the blood that runs in my veins, you're my oxygen," Phil nearly whispered, running his fingers through Dan's hair. They both needed to shower desperately, but it couldn't matter less right now. "I want you forever, just like this, I wanna die with you by my side, holding hands.." Dan felt his stomach flip as all these words came flowing out, but he didn't mind. He was feeling himself blush, he felt happiness and some sort of content, even while knowing this would take so much time to heal. Dan placed a hand in Phil's hair, as well, stroking as they admired each other with no regret. "I've always loved your hair this way, you know, dunno why you insist on straightening it," Phil mumbled, earning a small laugh from the younger boy. "I love you so much," he admitted again and again, finally leaning in to kiss the man who held him. It was slow and sweet, genuine, exactly what he'd been craving for so long. They held each other's faces with fragile hands, kissing a little deeper, before pulling off gently. "We've haven't had that in so long.. never really made love before.." Dan said sleepily, his own voice and Phil's voice lulling him gradually. Phil smiled softly, shaking his head a little. "Slow, remember?" he purred, nearly pulling all of Dan's weight with him as they both stood up. Phil led him down their hallway to Dan's bedroom, before he felt Dan's little movements of resistance pulling away from him. "Huh..? You're so tired, baby, need sleep," Phil coaxed, moving Dan's hair out of his eyes. He almost got lost immediately, their deep color pulling him in. "I was without you all night, do you really expect me to stay away for more than five minutes?" Dan muttered, rubbing his eyes and letting out a small yawn.

Phil sighed as he smiled, bringing Dan the short distance into his own bedroom, laying him down carefully and covering him up the best he could. He got in, too, scooting in close and wrapping his arms around Dan as they both rested their heads and eyes. They'd work on this tomorrow.

(to be continued !! -rory 💓)