use me // phan

where have you been?

**cont.**

Dan sat up and wiped away his tears, even though he knew Phil couldn't see them through the darkness that pierced the whole room. "Y-Yeah? What do you want?" he mumbled, sniffling slightly as he rubbed his eyes. They were so sore and swollen; he'd been crying all night as the recollection of their past haunted both his body and soul. Phil sat down on the edge of Dan's bed, picking at his nails nervously as he drew deep breaths in and out. "You've been crying," he said softly, his voice breaking slightly. He hated to think he was hurting Dan, but he had come to a standstill and knew things couldn't go on this way. Dan shook his head slowly, chewing his lip and choking back his tears. They just kept coming, the lump in his throat so insistent he could barely breathe. "No."

"Bullshit.." Phil breathed out, cradling Dan's face with one hand as he helped removed the relentless tears from his cheek. "I heard you, you've been bawling your eyes out.. tell me what's wrong, love," Phil said gently in an attempt to soothe the younger boy. Dan scoffed at that word, - love - knowing it meant absolutely nothing.

He hated Phil right now, he resented him for the past seven years of torturous, secretive living. But, he loved him, too. Oh, God, did he love him. Even though he knew he shouldn't. He loved the way Phil laughed, the way he'd slip his tongue out slightly after some stupid innuendo he'd made. He loved his eyes, his hands, his whole body. He'd gotten lost in those eyes so many nights and cried over them, too. He wanted nothing more than to get that love back that they had - he knew they had it once.

"I-I just.. I.. Ph-Phil, I can't, I'm just.." Dan tried to speak or form some sort of response, but his brain was buzzing, his throat closed off again. This was too big of a conversation to have at three in the morning, and he couldn't get the words out, anyway. Phil took both his hands and held Dan's carefully, massaging lightly as he touched his forehead to Dan's. "Shh.. it's okay, Dan, baby.. let's just forget it for awhile, yeah? Let me distract you?" Phil's voice dropped lower, a sultry tone taking over and Dan's stomach turned. Phil leaned in and kissed Dan's neck deep, slowly and making sure to take his time on the sensitive area he'd come to know so well. Dan shuddered as tears fell, unable to remember if he'd felt such strong confliction like this before.

"No, Phil, n-no.. not now.. okay?" he breathed out, using the little energy he had to resist Phil's touch. He wanted him, he couldn't lie to himself; but it felt so fake, so wrong. It was agonizing. He pushed back on Phil's chest, causing the older man to lean back in confusion. "What's wrong with you?" Phil sulked, keeping his distance from Dan as he pouted. Dan's stomach churned and he couldn't hold back anymore. He started crying again, hard, his chest tightening and he bawled into his hands, his knuckles turning white. He sobbed and sobbed, laying down on his side and Phil was at a complete loss. He knew. He knew inside what was wrong, unable to bring himself to full admission. But, it hurt Phil so goddamn much to see Dan this way. He loved him, he still truly did. He never stopped.

"Dan, hey.. shh, it's alright, it's gonna be okay, bear, I'm here-" Dan sat up and shoved Phil out of his way. "Don't call me that," he spat, making his way out of the room and into the hall, wanting to escape Phil's stare. He couldn't take this. He sank down against the wall, still sobbing uncontrollably, cursing and hitting the ground with his fist. Phil followed slowly, sitting down across from Dan, the harsh light of the hall finally showing Dan's face. He was red, eyes puffy and wet, his hair a curly mess and his knuckles bleeding slightly. "Dan.." Phil's voice shook, "Please, talk to me, say something, I need to know you're here with me," he begged, his eyes welling up, too. Dan looked up at Phil, swallowing thickly as his breathing slowed down.

"Phil, p-please.. I-I.. I need to know.." he began, feeling the weight return to his chest and shoulders, "do you still love me?" Phil exhaled, clasping his hands together into a fist and putting them over his mouth. His eyes fell closed for a moment, before he spoke again. "Dan, you know I love you. How could you think otherwise?" he said quietly, knowing this would only fuel the fire. "Maybe because you n-never fucking tell me? Y-You haven't said it in y-years, Phil, jesus.." Dan sputtered, using his shirt sleeve to wipe his eyes. They stung so much now, tears weren't even coming out anymore. "Dan, I..I know.. I'm so sorry, I never meant for things to go on like this for so long," Phil said calmly, trying to keep his emotions under control. He kept his eyes locked with Dan's, still adoring him, even in this moment. "Well, they have, and.. fuck, I just don't understand you," Dan said, a little louder, his voice finally steady. "Why? Why do you still keep us a secret? Are you embarrassed of us? Of me?" Phil buried his face in his hands momentarily before looking back up. "I was protecting you, and us, Dan, why don't you get that? I-I.. I just thought that.. if we seemed like we were just friends, m-maybe.." Phil trailed off. He felt his hands shaking. He couldn't lose Dan. If he lost Dan, he'd lose everything.

"But, yet you still fuck me like it's nothing? As if I'm a toy you can just use whenever you want, however you want?" Dan seethed, looking down the hall to avoid eye contact. "Dan, we.. you agreed to that, I thought - I mean, it kept us close, let you know I still love you.." Phil said, his voice coming out smaller and smaller. Dan laughed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you could've fucking fooled me. Every time it's over, you toss me aside and leave me alone until I cry myself to sleep. Real fucking romantic, that is," he said sarcastically, causing Phil to wince in guilt. "I know you like it, Dan, romantic or not," Phil asserted, realizing seconds later that it was a big mistake.

"I fucking love you, okay?! And you've chosen to ignore it for seven fucking years? Pretend like I don't? And like you don't, too?" Dan was nearly yelling, his voice cracking again as the tears made a comeback. Phil stared at Dan with his mouth half-open, trying to process this whole situation correctly. "I would've done anything to be with you in that moment, Phil, I would've died for you and I still would .. I hated myself back then a-and.. you showed me I shouldn't.. where did that side of you go? I miss y-you, Phil, I.." Dan sobbed, letting himself break down completely in front of Phil. Phil knew he had words to say, but they just couldn't find their way out. He was terrified that they'd be stuck in his throat forever.

"I am so tired, Phil, I just wanna be with you, I love you, every piece of you, I want you forever, only you, that's all I've ever wanted, can't you see that?" Dan stuttered, burying his face again, although he knew there was no point in hiding anymore. Phil began to move towards Dan; his only desire now was to hold him close, just feel his heartbeat against his and let him know how he felt. "D-Dan I.. I love you, so much.. p-please you have to know that, it never went away, I.. I'm so sorry for putting you through this.. I only wanted to keep you safe.. our fans, our families.. you know they wouldn't be able to handle it.." Phil mumbled, reaching out to hold Dan close.

Dan backed away, his brain blinded by the flood of emotions he'd encountered in the last 20 minutes. "Ph-Phil... it took you this long to say that?" Dan said, his voice barely a whisper. "I .. I'm gonna stay with my parents tonight.." he breathed out. Phil felt like he was going to be sick. He wasn't really leaving, he thought, this couldn't be happening. Phil bit his lip and cried softly into his hands, his insides shaking at the thought of losing Dan. He'd taken him for granted and he was paying for it. After all this time, he couldn't bear the idea of all of it ending because of his stubbornness, his foolishness.

Dan had put on a jacket and grabbed a small backpack from his room, passing Phil in the hallway as he made his way too the door. "I'll see you tomorrow," Dan murmured, kissing him on the cheek, "Don't forget th-that.. I love you." Phil opened his mouth to say something back, but he was too late. His soul was filled with so much contrition, and he'd held this all in for so long. Phil swore he could feel his body split in two as the door slammed in front of him.