use me // phan

i watched a change in you.

*******

Dan awoke the next morning, in his old bed at his parents, completely covered up and alone. Again. As his eyes adjusted to the white light coming through the blinds, he observed his old room. It reminded him of when he'd first met Phil; the room where he sat when they'd skype for hours, where he'd hug his pillow as he fell asleep, desperately wishing it were Phil. Thoughts from the night before immediately flooded his brain, and his chest became heavy. This had been going on so long, and he couldn't help but feel selfish for wanting more. He felt like it was all in his head. Sunlight attempted to creep in through the window, to his disappointment. He wanted darkness, silence. His heart ached and his eyes were burning sore from crying. He wanted something to change. He needed to hear Phil say everything all over again; he needed this to be real.

Dan loved Phil, he truly did. He couldn't help himself, not even if he tried. The way things had happened last night made him want to die. He never wanted to leave. But he didn't see any other option in the moment. These events had completely ripped him from some unrealistic daydream he'd been living in into a harsh, cold reality where they'd been living in together ignorance for seven years. The thought killed him. How they'd managed to hide this disaster from their friends and families for so long was beyond his comprehension.

Dan rubbed his eyes and sat up in bed, trying to gather his thoughts. He began to cry softly, feeling totally lost. He couldn't stop it. He felt used. Although it felt good sometimes. He could admit it kept them somewhat close, but not in the way he wanted. It felt dirty and raw and angry, when all he wanted was tenderness and innocence and just love. Like it was in the beginning. And he knew it was there before. He  could pinpoint exactly where things went wrong. The moment he said yes. When they'd admitted they're love for each other, but Phil wanted to hide it out of fear. And he just never got around to changing his mind about how they presented themselves. And now, this was just a routine. They really were just friends now, and best friends wasn't good enough for Dan. Something else lied underneath, secrets hidden in both of their throats, and they were dying to be let out.

Dan reluctantly picked up his phone, the screen lighting up to show a mess, notifications pouring in from five minutes after he'd left until 2 hours ago.

16 missed calls from: phil
phil: please come home dan i can't do this
phil: we need to talk about this please..
phil: i'm sosorry da n please i miss you
phil: i'm a monster dan i hate myself for doing this to you
phil: i love you i swear i love you so much..

The tears kept coming, burning Dan's eyes as he read through every text. He didn't know what to do. He'd stayed so long, he'd never left Phil's side. Every time Phil cried, every time he couldn't breathe when the anxiety crushed his soul, any time he needed comfort or reassurance, Dan had always been there. Right there, next to him. Holding his hand, covering him in mere friendly kisses; whatever he needed. He stayed because he loved Phil and he'd always mindlessly hoped Phil loved him in the same way. And, apparently he did. Apparently, Phil loved him so much he couldn't bear to be without him for 7 hours. Or maybe it was just guilt consuming him. They hadn't ever been separated for more than a couple hours, and it hurt. Something was missing and Dan couldn't deny it.

Dan sniffled and chewed his lip, deciding what to do. His mom knocked on the door, quietly asking if he needed anything. He replied with a soft 'no', to which she said she loved him and he heard her footsteps trail back down the hall.
He took a deep breath and unlocked his phone, opening his call logs and pressing Phil's name. He waited as it rung, tension and anger and love and sadness all burning within his stomach at the same time.

"Dan, thank god, are you okay? Where are you?" Phil said quickly, his voice coming out strained and rough. He'd been crying, Dan thought. Just like he was. "I'm at my parents, I told you.." Dan responded, barely whispering as he sniffled again. "Dan.. p-please, come home.. I know you don't wanna see me, but.. please I'm so s-sorry.. I wanna talk.." Phil said, his voice shaking as he began crying. Dan let out a deep breath, pulling stray strings out of his blanket and snapping them off. "Funny how you wanna talk to now.. never wanted to before.. every time I begged you for answers.." Dan replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "Dan, I-I made a mistake back then and never knew how to fix it or if you even still l-loved me, please, come home," Phil sobbed. Dan's heart hurt as he heard Phil crying on the other end; it pained him knowing how far away he was. He wanted to hold him close and let him know everything was going to be okay. If it was going to be okay at all. Even if nothing else came out of this, he couldn't lose Phil. He wouldn't survive it. "We'll talk when I get home," Dan said, more clearly than anything else he'd said so far. "I-I love you, Dan, I'll be here.. come soon.." Phil muttered, hanging up as he started crying again. Dan set his phone down and ran his hands through his hair.

He had begun admitting to himself that he was completely blinded by love. No matter what had happened in the last seven years, he still got butterflies whenever Phil walked into the room. He still thought of him every time he heard a stupid love song. He was the one his mind turned to for comfort in times of stress. Everything they'd made together, all the progress they'd made, all the people they'd inspired. That was something they had together. He found his heart racing thinking about being home, in Phil's arms again. In their flat. This had been a mistake on both of their ends. Even if Phil hadn't stepped up out of anxiety or fear and said something; asked Dan how he felt towards him, Dan decided he could've very well done it on his own.

He packed his bag again and headed for the front door after saying goodbye to his mother. The air outside was cold and frigid and he longed for Phil's touch, he just needed to hug him. They'd need to start from the beginning, all over again. But, when Dan thought about how much he loved Phil, after all this time, he didn't mind.

[sorry it's a bit short guys but another part will be up soon 💓💓💓]