Stay alive. It's worth it (English version)

Chapter 3. Take pride in what is sure to die.

           

Josh was brought back to reality by the loud and unpleasant signal of the fire alarm, which went off because of the forgotten scrambled eggs on the stove.  Josh was like in a zombie mode, he turned off the heat under the frying pan and threw spoiled breakfast in the trash bin, opened the window in the kitchen and took a bottle of whiskey from the fridge.

Josh drained his glass to the bottom and started to feel how the strong alcohol warms him inside. He wasn't going to get drunk to unconsciousness, but a nagging pain in his heart, was unbearable, and that's why he had to lighten his head, because sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind.

After the second glass, his heart calmed down and his body relaxed, after he put the bottle back to its place, Josh went to the bath to splash a little bit of cold water to his face.

His pace was heavy and his body didn't want to obey him. Josh returned to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed, staring at the snow-white ceiling. His thoughts were intertwined in some tangled skein, and the time for him didn't to exist anymore.

His phone in the kitchen rang a few times, and Josh after looking at the bedside clock, realized that he was late for work. Josh didn't like to break the rules, but that day he didn't care. When he was no longer able to remain motionless, Josh got out of bed put the hoody and walked out of the apartment.

Josh was walking along the streets of Columbus and didn't notice the glances of people who were looking at him. The cold climbed under his skin, but he didn't feel anything, his legs just carried him to a place that he had been avoiding for a long time. Winding through the streets of his native city, Josh was thinking how quickly his place had become so foreign to him. There were so many good memories, but without Tyler they lost their color, became gray, no longer were bringing him joy, and everything bad on the contrary became even more saturated black.

On that street, some students from high school had beaten him for the first time, and there in that house lived a girl who rejected Josh and stomped on his heart, when he told her about his feelings. That shop is where his mother was robbed and here Tyler is buried.

Josh was looking at the town cemetery, a wave of chills moved through his body, and his hands involuntarily clenched into fists. He was walking past the endless rows of the graves and was throwing glances at the names. He perfectly remembered where the last resting of Tyler was, although he hadn't been here since the funeral.

When he saw familiar picture, he fell to his knees and closed his eyes to the pain.

Tyler Joseph.

02.14.16.

Beloved son, brother and friend.

Take pride in what is sure to die.

- Hello, friend - Josh didn't know why, but he had to tell his thoughts aloud. - Three years without you, and I still can't believe that we are no longer seeing each other every day. I miss you so much - Josh's voice broke on the last words, and his eyes filled with tears. - I know that you don't hear me, but I'm sorry, I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of fighting this alone, I need you so much, that's why I give up. See you soon, my friend.

Josh opened his eyes to look at the photo of his best friend for the last time. He put his hand on the cold marble and rose from his knees.

At that moment Josh didn't know that somewhere on the other side of the clouds, his words were heard by one person, he didn't know that today's evening would change his plans, he didn't know that Tyler would not allow him to surrender.

Josh couldn't remember how he got home. He realized how much he froze, only when he found himself enveloped in the warmth of his apartment. Mobile phone was flickering because of missed calls: from work, from mother, Ashley and Brendon. After texting short "I'm fine." in response to his family and a friend, Josh took a hot shower to get warm. He was lying, he was so very far from fine.

The time was only 2 pm, but Josh was physically and mentally exhausted. He had to figure out how to say goodbye to the loved ones, whom he had caused so much pain lately. Thinking about what the next day would bring to him, Josh lay down on the bed and didn't notice how he fell asleep.