Nebraska Stars

Chapter Twelve

It was just one kiss. It only lasted a moment, and when we pulled away, reality came rushing back. I could see it on his face. He stepped away from me and even though we were only inches apart, I felt like I was standing across a raging river from him. I could call out to him and he wouldn't hear me over the rushing water.  

"I'm sorry," I said, though I wasn't sure why. He had kissed me. 

"It's ok." He closed his eyes and shook his head, a pained look on his face. Oh god, I thought. He thinks this was a huge mistake. 

"I'm sorry," I said again, not knowing what else to say. I was half watching Hank and half replaying the kiss over and over in my head. Now that I knew what it felt like to kiss him, I wanted it more than I ever had before. 

"Maybe we should go back." He turned away from me and shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders and walking slowly toward the sounds and lights of the festival. I knew I should probably leave him alone and just walk home, but I couldn't help wanting to be near him. I caught up and we walked silently next to each other for a while. I kept sneaking glances at him. He looked lost in thought. 

"It's ok, Hank," I said after a while. "We can just forget about it." 

He didn't say anything, so I continued. "I mean...so..." I tried to think of something to say that would make him feel better, even though I really didn't want to talk him out of ever kissing me again. "So, as far as we know we only get one life to live, right? And have you ever really thought about that? So, I think...sometimes you do something without thinking about it, just because you want to in that moment. And even if it's not technically 'right,' it's ok, because it was something you did just for you. It's yours to keep, forever. You know?" 

"No, it's not ok, Mae," he said, his voice low and serious. He looked over at me, eyes narrowed. "I'm not going to be able to forget about it." 

My stomach dropped when he said that, in a good way. Not going to be able to forget about it? We had reached the festival entrance and there were people milling around. I wanted them to disappear so I could be alone with Hank. As we walked deeper into the crowd, I took a chance and grabbed his hand. He held it and led me through the throngs of people, but quickly dropped it once we reached the spot where he had originally found me earlier in the night. 

"Maybe you should stay here," he said. "And just wait for my parents." 

"Ok, but-" 

"I have to go find Hailey." He looked at me apologetically. 

"Well, are you going to...tell her, or?" 

He sighed heavily. "Yeah, I think so. I have to, don't I?" 

"No, that's what I was saying before. You don't have to tell her...if you really don't want to. We can just forget about it." I sneaked a glance at him. "If that's what you want," I added. 

"I don't know, Mae. I don't know what I want to do." There was an edge to his voice I hadn't heard before. 

"Well just, do whatever you want then." 

"Fine, I will."  

"Fine. That's what I said, Hank. Do whatever you want." I was angry now. Why was he making me feel like I had forced him to commit a crime or something? 

He turned to go and I watched him walk away, his white shirt blowing in the breeze. For the millionth time that night, tears sprang to my eyes. 

I didn't wait for Ben and Fiona to come find me. I started walking home alone, not knowing how far I'd have to go, and not caring. Once I got away from the festival, I was surrounded by quiet and darkness. I had to walk along a two-lane highway that was surrounded by open fields. During the day it was beautiful, but at night the desolateness cut through me. It frightened me. Cars passed by me creating small dust storms, their engines roaring. Headlights illuminated the road and the surrounding land for a few seconds before I was plunged back into unforgiving darkness and silence. Those cars probably couldn't see me until they were right on top of me.