Eunoia

04. For Him

unedited • 726 words w/o notes • cred: banner by seussly • comment if you love(d) this song!

"I am aware how fucking crazy in love I am with you.

And I'm sorry that I am. I can't help but love your little belly. Your glasses. Your chinky eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. Your kisses. The way you speak. The way you play with your hair. Just everything you, I adore. I already lost you many times before, and I plan on not losing you again this time, but I feel like you'll get bored of me. I feel like the flame that we made is going to be put out, wether or not the adoration or love I have for you is stronger than the breath to settle the flame.

You just mean so much to me. And I know I mean so much to you. I mean, that's what you told me. 'I hate everyone, except you.' That's what you said, remember?

I want to be your escape, like how you are with me. But I feel like you have way more meaningful people in your life than I will ever have. You can easily pick and choose who you love and who you don't, just like how you can easily not be with me anymore. You have multiple escapes, and I don't know if I'm the most meaningful or not.

I mean, you're so likeable. You have all these people following you and begging you to be a part of their life and I understand why. Because you are just so magnetic, sweetheart. You have this crazy magnetic personality and this crazy magnetic look in your eye that everyone wants to be a part of.

I'm not saying I have a problem with you having so many friends, I'm saying that I have a problem that everyone is just as drawn into you as I am.

It's selfish of me to say that I want all of your attention, but I just need reassurance that you won't get drawn into them like how I am with you.

God, I'm not even making sense anymore.

"I waited 111 days to be happy with you. Yes, I've counted. I waited 111 days to hold your hand, to kiss you, to hold you close, to say I love you, and I'm second guessing your words just because you can find better.

I mean, you did tell my friends that you were striving for someone better than me before hand. I guess I'm just afraid you will find that better; even though you said I was that 'better.'

I can't tell you how happy I was to see that you said that. To find out that you love me, and that I'm your world. You said that, remember?

I plan on keeping you to be my first everything: The first boy to enter his fingers in me. The first boy to hold hands with. The first boy to make love to me. The first boy I give a blowjob to. The first boy to read to me. The first boy to see me cry.

I don't see myself doing any of these things with anyone else escept you. My whole fucking life is set to be with you. I want my whole life to be spent with you. Having it spent with anyone else wouldn't be the same, because you are my best friend and my lover. It wouldn't mean as much as it would if it was spent with you.

"Do you remember when I first kissed you? Or when you said my eyes sparkled, and that you hope it never went away? Or when you asked me to be your girlfriend by kneeling down on one knee? Or when you asked me to be your girlfriend again by taking me to the staircase and remembering all the license plates? Or when we kissed again after 111 days?

Because I do. Those days were of my happiest days, when I was with you, safe and sound.

I'm sorry. I'm just rambling now. I'm just scared that you wont feel the same anymore, is all. I'm scared to fucking lose you again. Because I feel like this time, I'll lose you forever and never get you back.

I love you, please say you love me back."

- i know you love me, i spin into a wheel of uncertainty when you dont tell me constantly. sorry

A/N: life is hard. ty for supporting me x