It was frustrating. I had been cleaning every corner of the headquarters, but I was still not able to relax. There was nothing left to do for me besides sitting in the yard and observing the play of shadows as the clouds danced around the sun. The day was still young and usually, I liked this hour but today was even worse than the days before. I gradually turned into a monster of boredom that slowly but steadily got consumed by its own thoughts. While Chizuru was allowed to go on patrol with the captains, in order to get to collect some clues about her father's whereabouts, I was caged inside here.
I sighed and snapped a loose strand of my hair and turned it between my fingers. I felt gross. I was washing daily and even if they kept me dressed like a man, I took some good care of myself. I was a girl after all, wasn't I? I scrubbed my skin until it reddened under the pressure I was putting into it. I really paid attention to my appearance except for this stupid hair. I had not been able to wash it since the incident at Shimabara. Well, I could've done so, but I surely did not want any of them to see through my disguise right from the start. I fought so many mental wars with myself now day by day and they kept on getting worse. I felt disgusting and putting treatments and powder onto my scalp all the time started to make me feel like an outcast. What were other people thinking about me?
I shook my head, trying to shake my thoughts off, too. Another sigh fled my lips just as I heard a group of men coming back from patrol. That meant Chizuru must be back now. Maybe I could find some peace while talking to her. We had some time left before we would have to prepare the meal for the captains. I got up and walked over to greet them.
"Welcome b..!" I tried to finish my words but it had no use. Chizuru only nodded towards me in a rushed way while Okita even waved me off. They headed right for the hall and entered the building. I stood there, left behind like an unwanted dog. What on earth was going on? I looked at the soldiers, searching for answers but none of them seemed to feel as off as I did. They just paid attention to their usual business. Maybe it was just me feeling like this, I wondered.
Another sigh, before I went back to the yard.
I had not been feeling this way for a long time now. Nostalgia slapped me right in the face and its impact was burning, not only on my affected skin but also deep in my heart. I gazed at the small pond after I had stopped throwing pebbles into the water and watching it draw small circles that grew bigger and bigger until they eventually vanished. I felt sick. Not physically but mentally. Memories floated my mind all day long and at night dreams of the past would haunt me until I woke up. Sometimes screaming, sometimes crying and every time I would stare at the ceiling, waiting for the sun to rise. In fact, I really, really must look horrible. Not only was my hair a disgusting mess, but tiredness had it's effect on me, too. When did I begin to feel so terribly lost? Hadn't I been starting to think that this could be my new home? How come the desire to run far, far away from here pulsated so strongly in my body now? I was homesick. I missed the orphanage, the sound of the children playing and laughing, while Bunko-san prepared some food or picked the grass. Not only that, but I missed my home. I missed the place of my origin and I missed it ever since that night in which I infiltrated Shimabara. Doubts had started a big uproar in my head back then and they didn't settle even until now. I was still not sure if I had made the right decisions and if getting to this point was a blessing or a curse. Fate would show, wouldn't it? This was the way I was supposed to go, right?
I felt the tears burning in the corners of my eyes, so I blinked them away and closed them. I took a deep breath and felt the warm light of the sun on my face. My mind wandered off and only my voice remained at this place in the Shinsengumi's headquarter, somewhere at the borders of Kyoto, as I silently began to sing a song of home.
'Oh heavenly wind, blow the leaves of time
Send these feelings to the sixteen-night moon...
Gracefully, just like you
The aroma of uncut flowers remains
When words could not reach you
They disappeared from the branches
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Hakuouki - A Butterfly in Your Sky ( Okita Souji x OC )
FanfictionHakuouki Fanfiction He promised to marry her. She promised to wait for him to return. But as fate plays, the vision of a happy ending becomes blurry and their ways part, seemingly forever. She loses her memory of him and he thinks she is dead. All...
