Hakuouki - A Butterfly in Your Sky ( Okita Souji x OC )

Chapter 10: Being lonely

"Baka!" I only realized what I did after I had thrown my shoe at his head. He turned around and looked at me. He resembled a tiger who just got lectured by a monkey and now wanted to skin the monkey alive. 
"Oh-oh." I turned around and started to run away from him. "I am sorry, Okita-san!"
"Yes, you will be!"
"Kyaahhh!" 
How did it come to this? We got told to enjoy this festive night and to treat ourselves. Harada, Nagakura, Saito, Heisuke, Okita, Chizuru and me went to the city together and enjoyed the lights ceremony before we dug into the stands. I even drank some sake after everyone else, besides Chizuru, began to drink. Somewhen, Okita and I made a competition out of a game and it ended up with us arguing. I threw my shoe at him and he chased after me. After I got lost in the crowd, he found his way back to me and reached out to me. He must have been really angry but he didn't yell at me. I could see the red on his cheeks, the effect of alcohol. I was being silly, really. And in this moment, all I really wanted was to apologize and find our way back to the others. Wherever that was; since I got us pretty much lost in the center of a huge crowd. Whatever.

"O-Okita!" He placed his index finger on my mouth to stop me from talking. He shifted his face and observed the situation. Something in his glance paralyzed me and I felt like every other word that might drip from his mouth has to be obeyed. In this very moment, it felt like I had to rely on this person, no matter what. "Come." His hand was not really gentle when it grabbed mine but it was far from being rough and in a fluent movement, he began to drag me out of the crowd. There it was again, this big back and these broad shoulders that somehow always seemed to be right in front of me. It didn't matter how lost I was just a moment ago, now that he was leading me, I felt safe again. Just like back then, when he led me to the headquarters, away from the fury he had killed to save me. I still didn't understand why he had spared my life back then. It would have saved him so much trouble to let the fury finish me off. But he didn't even hesitate for one moment. No, he stroke them down in an instant and his eyes were focusing only me. How come I remembered even the details of that night so well? 
He still held my hand and as he began to walk faster, I feared that I might lose him again or that he would let go of my hand. But he didn't. He held me so tightly and pulled me through the people, pushed us through every gap and not one person dared to stand in his way. He did not wear his blue haori but they still respected him and moved out of his way as if it was an unwritten law. I had to be honest, I admired him somehow. No one would make room for me just because I walked towards them with a serious expression on my face. 
The faster he walked, the harder it was for me to keep up with his pace. My mouth stood open and breath left and filled it in a faster tempo. "Wait please." I tried to make him stop for a moment. I needed a break. Not, that this walk was too exhausting, but the influence of the sake inside my body was big enough to make me feel shaky. "Okita." He didn't stop and somehow I didn't dare to repeat my concern. "Oki... ah!" The very next step made me trip over my own foot and I fell right to the ground. I rushed to look up only to found myself alone in the crowd - my hand empty. I didn't know why but somehow panic crawled into my mind and took control of it. I got up as fast as I could as if I feared to be trampled down in the very next moment. My eyes haunted faces, desperate to find this particular one. 
"Ah, little miss! Come, here. Why not let me help you?" A tall man with a high ponytail offered me his hand, a lopsided smile on his lips, his nose and cheeks reddened from the effect of alcohol. 
"N-no. I am fine thank you."
"Come on. It's very unfriendly to turn someone down just like that!"
"I said I am fine, leave me alone please."
"And I said let me help you." He grabbed my arm and pulled me back. 
"Don't you hear? I said let go!" I managed to free my arm slap him right across his red clown face. I knew this would leave me with consequences, but I had to get out of this crowd. Not only did it make me feel sick, but my whole body was shaking. Maybe it was a false panic that spread throughout my entire body. I tried to manage my way through the people until, eventually, I ended up on an empty side street. It was rather narrow and the light was gloomy, only reflections of the festival got caught in the darkness and a play of shadows danced on the wooden walls of the houses. I took a deep breath. The air felt fresher here and calmed the heat in my head a bit. Still, my ankle hurt quite a bit so I sat down on a bench that was next to one of the houses. I must've hurt myself when I fell. 
"Great..." I remembered now why I never drank any alcohol. I simply couldn't hold my liquor. I didn't even drink that much but I felt the dizziness all over my body. A tired sigh fled my lips and I leaned my back against the wall, trying to get a small rest. I only wanted to take a short break until I would have to search for Okita or any of the others. This was so, so bad. Bad and frustrating. I would finally get my chance to prove myself on the very next day and today of all days I lost myself. Why did I ever drank this sake! Ahhh. Okay. I just had to relax for a while and let the effect fade away. This anxiety was not real. Who was I joking? It was so, so real. All of it. It was not the sake and it was no lie; I missed my home and I was scared, I was nervous. So much had happened and even more was coming. What would this uncertain future hold for me? Me, that small part of the shinsengumi that had nowhere else to go. Did I really want all of this? I couldn't even show my real self. Even now I was hiding. In this identity, in this corner at the edge of the festival. Was it really right to leave home just like that? When did I start to become such a useless person?

I crouched down, putting my head on my knees and hiding behind my arms that held my legs. Most of all did I feel lonely. I had Chizuru, that was right, and I had other people around me day by day, but this was no family. I was not even sure if they really cared for me. If I disappeared, would they have more reason to search for me or would they only want to find me to save their secrets and honor? 
"No, no, no....!" I felt the hot tears running down onto my arms. 
A sudden noise caught my attention and I realized the face as the person who harassed me before. He was the reason I ended up in this corner. In a slow and unsteady manner, he walked towards me, blabbering something inaudible. 
"Just go away!" I snapped at him and while trying to get up, landed on my behind again. He didn't stop. 
"Go away!" Tears ran down my cheeks. "Leave! Go awa..." 
He stopped. It happened too fast for me to catch on details, but it was Okita who suddenly dragged the man down. He lifted him around and somehow made him look like a small insect by throwing him right into the corner. That was all there was to it. He didn't talk, he didn't even waste one more look on that person. Instead, he focused me and in an angry gaze walked towards me. He lifted me up and held me in his arms just as if I belonged there. I couldn't talk or think anymore. For a short while, he walked us back to the crowd until we reached the end of the main street. Few people who're aiming for the festival crossed our way. Even though he carried me away from the light and noises of this festive night, I felt as safe and sound as never before. This was the first time that I was being so close to him. I could smell the scent of his skin, feel his hair brushing my cheeks when the wind caressed it. I felt his warmth and heard the steady beat of his heart pulsating in his chest when I closed my eyes. 
"Why did you cry?" It was the first time after a while that he talked. But I didn't dare to answer.  A few seconds passed until he stopped walking and stopped next to an empty bench near the small stream running through the city. 
"Why did you cry." This was no more question. He was demanding an answer. I stared at him, not able to say anything. It was him again who saved me. Why was it always him? It could have been Heisuke, Nagakura or even someone entirely unfamiliar. But it was him. How did he even find me that fast? This was so unreal. 
"Hey! I am talking to you." His rough hands grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. I did that. I looked at him. Again. I didn't waver nor did I escape his look. I just sat there returning his look and I so much lost myself in his green and hungry eyes. How and why did he have this effect on me? This was not the first time. He already had me the first time I met him, back then when I tried my silly attempt to attack them. 
My eyes were only half opened and I didn't really know if I had lost myself in his gaze or in my thoughts. I didn't want to admit it but I couldn't deny the fact that I was so consumed by this person, any longer. He was always on my mind. I so much hoped it was another illusion caused by the alcohol. 
"Hey, Aya..." He stopped when I put my hand on his cheek. It seemed so small as it rested there on his skin. But I was amazed by the look on his face. Did I cause this? He seemed so confused and astonished. I felt proud and I began to feel hungry - hungry for more. I wanted to see more of this, more of his confusion, more of what I could do to make his expression change. I straightened and sat so I could look at him from an even position. It was needless to say that I also got closer to him, my hand still resting on his cheek. I didn't stop to look at his face and I knew that mine must've gotten all red by now, but I didn't care. I placed my other hand on his face, my thumb brushing the corner of his mouth, just like his did on mine back then. Did I breathe? I shouldn't forget to breathe. He was so near and his scent only seemed to pull me closer. 
"Shht," I hushed.
"I am not talking," he whispered. Was he waiting? What was he waiting for? His expression didn't change and it frustrated me that he was so aware of this moment. I didn't want him to have that much control. But one thing was sure: I had no control at all. Only now did I realize that my mouth stood open and when I closed it,  my eyes lowered and focused a point on his chest. He wore his haori in this relaxed manner and half of his chest was showing. Now that I thought of it, he always wore it like that. But somehow it bothered me in this very moment. One of my hands let go of his face and instead grabbed his neck, gentle and shy but determined to go its way. It slowly moved down, brushing over his skin and feeling every fiber of it. When I reached his chest I placed my hand flat on it. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and felt the beating of his heart. A shaky smile appeared on my lips and I looked at him as if I found some triumph in what I just managed to do. 
"Sht..." I hushed while gulping. 
"Ye, sht." He took the hand of mine that was resting on his cheek and squeezed it in his. I was so small compared to him, so fragile. He could squish me if only he wanted to. But he was so gentle. He was always being gentle with me, I had been just too blind to realize. 
He closed his eyes and placed his lips on my hand that rested in his. I felt the soft kiss and exhaled as if it was breathing life back into me. He was so close when he opened his eyes again. 
"We will go back now," his words were demanding but his voice wasn't. 
"Soon," I said like a small dumpling that just discovered something new. 
"Now."
"U-uh." It was not more than an almost mute whisper when I shook my head, almost not visible. 
"U-uh?" His hand found its way to my head and I buried my cheek in its warmth, leaning onto it. I looked back up to him, wondering where I was taking all this courage from. 
"Why did you cry before, Ayaka?" His voice was so soft, so unlike him, but it felt good hearing him talking to me like that. I opened my eyes and answered him, "Because I am lonely."
"Hmm," he hummed while tilting his head slightly but not stopping to look at me. A moment passed and none of us talked. But it was no awkward moment of silence, not at all. It felt good and I found myself drowning in the sound of his breath.  
"What are you thinking right now?" He took a loose strand of my hair and twisted it between his giant fingers. I followed every movement of his with my eyes. How did he hypnotize me like that?
"Honestly?" I asked. He frowned as if my question was an insult. 
"Of course honestly. Baka."
"I thought of you." I spat the words out while he was finishing his sentence. And I liked what I was seeing now. His eyes widened and gave me a good view on what I so much loved to stare at: the green of his demon eyes. He seemed confused though and I smiled at him, brightly, still a bit drunk. He didn't seem to understand. But I started to do so and realizing what I had just said made me cringe. I started to laugh silently. "What did I just say. Ah..." I wanted to let go of his chest and pulled back the hand he was still holding, but I couldn't free it of his grip. Instead, he pulled me towards him and in an instant, I felt his soft lips on mine. My eyes widened in surprise and I forgot how to breathe. Suddenly, I was wide awake and all the numb feelings fled my body; as if I had never taken even a drop of sake. When he loosened his mouth from mine, he himself seemed to be surprised by what he just did. But he didn't let go of me. His lips moved away from one another a few times in an attempt to say something but eventually pecked another kiss on mine before he pulled me onto his chest. I didn't dare to speak or to move. I wanted to move and to run away from him, but then I also didn't want to. I was lonely, that was all there was to it, right? That's why I said silly things like before, right? But if that really was all, then what was with him? It must have been because he was just a man. Men are weak when it comes to his, everyone knows that. But what did I just think? Okita and weak? 
"Why didn't you let the fury kill me back then." I wanted to know. I really, really so much wanted to know. 
"Because you looked at me with these eyes."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I said I don't know. Stop asking unnecessary things."
"They're not unnecessary. You told me so often you would want to kill me."
"I still do." I heard him grin. 
"Strange way of expressing that." I chuckled. 
"You never cried before." His voice was so calm. It made me feel uneasy. 
"Of course I did."
"Not like this. I thought someone died."
"Is that why you got me out of there? Because you wanted to know if maybe something happened to the others?"
He didn't answer and suddenly I felt stupid. Was that why he had helped me? Well it was the fastest way to just pick me up, right? He didn't see that I hurt my ankle, after all. I sighed and pushed him away from me. I felt cold as soon as I left his chest. A few moments passed until he said something. 
"It's late."
I nodded and got up after he did. He started to walk and I just followed. Why did I do such a stupid thing, I asked myself. Out of all the men that were part of this world, why did I have to lose it to Okita? Even though I had to walk with a limp to lower the pain in my ankle, and only one shoe left on my feet,  he didn't come to carry me up this time. He just walked there in front of me with his big back and his broad shoulders and I couldn't do anything but to smile bitterly to this familiar view.