sunshine under your ribs

smother

I am angry that you could make me write this,

I am angry that after all i went through for you, you still have control over me,

but i know now.

i know now that it was all my fault,

you could not help how hopelessly devoted i was to being like you,

walking like you, (with a sway in your hips, like you belonged)

talking like you, (with such a pretty accent, even though we were from the same place)

looking like you, (so put together and up-to-date on all the fashion-you even had nail polish)

all i wanted was to be you, for some reason i do not understand now, (maybe that's a sign. that i have learned)

perhaps it was because you had a charming name, perhaps it was because you had older brothers,

perhaps, it was that - somehow- i saw myself in you. i saw myself in your body

going through the same problems, and the same sort of family,

we attended the same classes, we met at the same get-togethers,

i saw myself, but better.

more confident. more beautiful.(why, even when you had acne all over your face, could i see you as beautiful)

with better opportunities. with better friends.

i saw myself, but bigger.

more outspoken. more social. (i could not hold a proper conversation)

with a phone. (an iphone!) with more trust in others.

i know now, that i was only jealous,

because people would put you first, people would give you the trophy to hold while i was in the back, pushed aside by assertive fans,

that's what it felt like,

but i suppose, it was all in my head, (as is everything)

i wasn't really treated the worse (i was just not noticed sometimes), you weren't really the queen bee (you just got out more),

i felt like the second one in a two-participant race, one that was made up by my self,

-god, we didn't even hang out much!

but.

but, i was not independent, i was insecure, i was dealing through things,

it was a time in my life when i wasn't sure about anything, (i'm still not quite sure now)

and all these were surrounding factors, yes, but that does not change that i was  j e a l o u  s  of you.

i was so jealous. it burned me up from the inside out. i would cry at night because of how much i wanted what you had.

i don't even know what it is that you have.

but that isn't even the purpose of this,

the purpose of this,

is to apologize,

i am sorry,

however, this is not an apology just to you, it is also an apology to myself,

to never be as jealous as i was then, and never let it consume me as it did then,

and to be kinder to you, and think of you in a good light, a bright light, because that is what you deserve,

(though and you and i both deserve more than 592 words, but this is all i will write, because i cannot feel guilty  and hurt  all at once, anymore

when you did not even know of my pain)

and that the next time i see you i will  n o t  be jealous.i will not hate you, for you did nothing wrong. i will not compare myself to you. i will not feel guilty. i will not avoid you.

i will greet you with a smile. and perhaps-

perhaps we can be friends.