The Truth

Josh

I was admitted on a Thursday. Josh had been admitted on the Monday of that week. I thought that he'd been there a lot longer. He was a relatively attractive, well-dressed twenty-five year old who made himself impossible to miss. Initially, I saw an arrogant asshole whose presence I would have to bear for the next eight weeks. It surprised me that the others liked him a lot. All except Skinny that is, who had previously occupied the role of alpha male and hated that a gay guy had taken it away from him.

Josh was intelligent, confident and witty, and he seemed overly aware of all those qualities. When we sat smoking (he didn't smoke) he kept the conversation flowing with an assuredness that it would never end. In groups he always had something clever to say; sometimes it would take the psychologists a while to grasp his ideas. I came to like him and I didn't know why. But I found out quickly enough.

On Tuesday afternoons we had a group in which we discussed the "social climate". It gave us an open forum to air any grievances we had about each other. Sam ran the group and he expertly manipulated the tension.

"I have an issue with Skinny," said Themba, an overweight girl who was nutty but in a likeable way. "You insulted me in front of everyone earlier. It was humiliating and I demand an apology."

"I was just being honest!" Skinny said.

Sam took the lead. "What did Fred say that offended you?"

"He said, and I quote, 'You irritate the fuck out of me.'"

I knew it to be true. I had heard him say it and laughed for about five minutes.

Sam turned to Skinny. "Fred, did you say that?"

"Yes, but I was just being honest. Open communication. You're supposed to be honest."

Sam let the sparring continue for a minute before Josh stepped in. "Open communication isn't just saying something straight out. That closes the conversation by making the other defensive and the point gets lost."

Sam turned his attention away from Skinny and Themba. "What defense is Josh using?" he asked the group.

"Rationalising," Josh responded. Immediately. He knew what the psychologists thought of him.

"Well, intellectualising," said Sam. "Why is he using that defense?"

"I wanted to sound clever... for attention?"

Sam ignored him and looked to the rest of us for answers. Lungile raised her hand. "Shame," she said.

Sam nodded. "He's covering up his shame."

Josh looked confused. He was certainly uncomfortable. He had nothing to respond to this, and the conversation turned back to Skinny and Themba. They continued as if there had been no pause.

After a while Josh put his hand up. When Sam looked at him, he spoke with a nervousness none of us had seen in him. "What I wanted to say... Thembi, you do try to push people's buttons. And it makes it hard to be around you. Skinny... I - I find it's very hard to relate to you... there's always this- this facade that you put up... and that's all I see." He stopped, swallowed, and settled back in his seat.

"Well done, Josh," Sam said. "I know that was difficult for you."

And after that, Josh changed. The strength of his presence remained, but he was quieter. He thought before speaking, often stopping abruptly when he caught himself in an intellectualisation.

Josh became the one person who didn't enable me. He was honest - that never changed. I learnt to fear speaking with him, and to do so anyway. I told him that when I was raped,

it had been entirely of my own making. Desperate to fit in, I started going to parties at shebeens. If nothing else, I could get drunk there. Sometimes I'd fuck someone in the bathroom. It was irresponsible, but my reputation as a stuck up whitey began to crack. After a few drinks I would become the life of the party, dancing frantically, teasing the guys.

Then one day a drunken oaf pulled me into a bedroom against my will. I knew he was going to fuck me, whether I liked it or not. And so I let him. I didn't put up a fight; I just opened my legs and let him enter me and took my mind far away.

"You feel you raped yourself," Josh said. I nodded.

"I assumed the worst - that I had HIV even though I took ARVs in the following days. But the only STD I'd contracted was pregnancy. It didn't bother me; getting an abortion I mean. Except I couldn't afford to have it done by a professional. I was violated for a second time, at my own volition, at that very same shebeen. They have quite a multitalented staff. I'm lucky that my vagina's still intact. But I didn't contract an infection or anything. It hurt but no more than the thought of a baby."

"Where did you go from there?"

"Straight back into hermithood. I kept to my room until the animosity of my unpaid landlords got too much. Then I left and had to sleep in a shelter for a few nights until I begged my father to let me stay at him for a bit. He wasn't married yet but was already fucking her on a regular basis."

"And that's when you had your breakdown?"

"Um, a little bit later."