The Truth

Lungile

We were worried about Lungile. A few days earlier, Josh and Carly had tracked down Yoyo with a rope around her neck. The rope led to a wooden beam which lay on the ground next to her. In all likelihood, her suicide attempt had failed because she had no intention for it to work. Nonetheless, and in spite of her pleas to them not to tell anyone, Josh had told one of the nurses, and Yoyo had been put in another ward. She was scared that she'd be sent to Sterkfontein, where she had previously spent three nightmarish months.

Josh felt immense guilt, although he did not feel a moment's doubt about whether he'd done the right thing. Yoyo had read her suicide note to him and Carly. It was in Afrikaans, and he'd only understood the just of it, but he could hear and feel the pain.

Now we could not find Lungi. She had seemed in a bad state earlier on, although we knew her to be a drama queen. We told the nurses, but they weren't interested. They were the night shift. Their work ethic differed from the day nurses.

Lungi was a beautiful girl with a stunning weave.

"She has a weave?" Josh asked.

"Of course," I said. "You thought that was her natural hair?"

"Now that you say it it's obvious. It's just something white boys don't think about."

We laughed and continued looking. We had to make sure she wouldn't kill herself. Josh suggested that we go down the steps outside, and look in the open field. We weren't supposed to go there alone or at night, but this was an emergency.

We didn't have to go far. She was sitting right in front of the steps, looking depressed. Looking clinically depressed. Her face downcast, showing no signs of moving or having moved in a while. Josh asked her all the usual questions - if she was alright, what was wrong, etc. We knew all too well how ineffectual these questions are to the depressed, but we had to make sure for ourselves that she was not about to do anything stupid.

We sat with her a while. Eventually she broke the silence.

"I might be out here a long time."

"We'll sit with you all night if you need us to," said Josh. I sat there trying to look like I wasn't just here as a support for Josh. I nodded, and made vocal agreement sounds.

Five minutes later, Lungi got up and said she was fine. We all went inside. I kept an eye on her in the girls' room.

The next day being a Saturday, we started the morning with an NA meeting. Lungi spoke.

"Last night I stood in the bathroom with a noose in my hand. I wanted to do it, but I stalled, and went outside to think. A couple of my friends came and found me there. They said they'd be there all night if I needed them. It really helped that I knew they were there for me. I think it's time I get a sponsor."

I felt a weird mixture of guilt and pride. And a bit of resentment. Josh was "getting it". He had worked hard through the programme, and he was no longer cynical. He was even taking NA seriously. I had no idea how to stop being cynical, or take the programme seriously - not NA's, nor Tara's.

Now even Lungi was getting it. She had always seemed too arrogant to me to actually get back on track. She had tried suicide before, and had almost tried it last night, and she was still closer to getting it than I was. I had never attempted suicide, but I could see no way out. I did not want to be left alone. I resented them, and felt selfish for doing so.