The Truth

Tuesday

This is the worst day of my life. It is infinitely worse than yesterday's infinite pain. I don't know what makes it worse. I wake up in the hospital at 5AM to have my blood pressure taken.

My mom will arrive later. I make a courageous effort at giving a shit about anything, and I shower and shave. Somehow they forgot to take away my razor. I get back to the bed and my mom is there. She looks miserable. She doesn't recognise that I'm doing slightly better at this moment in time, having managed to get up and shower and shave.

Dr Schneider has informed us that there is a spot open for me at Kenilworth Clinic. He is one of the founders of the clinic. An ambulance takes me, with two young paramedics.

The male one says that he wishes he could spend some time there. He is trying to make me feel better. I get taken to a room. I see other pathetic losers walking around. I have no idea how they have any motivation to do anything. I am told I will be here for three weeks. I can't believe I've fallen that low. I want to leave, but I know that I won't be okay to do so anytime soon. I don't know how it is possible that I'll ever be okay. I know far too well that life is a futile, painful hell.

I sit with my mom and Dr Schneider in a room, discussing me. I can't sit still. I have waited for this little meeting to happen since I arrived an eternity ago. Now I am waiting for it to end.

"He says that he feels he might be gay," my mom says to Dr Schneider. I don't know the context. They continue talking with each other and me. I don't know how I manage to say anything. Maybe I don't.

I roll around on yet another bed. This is the worst day of my life. It is coming to a close. Tomorrow will be only slightly better. I look at my toiletries. They forgot to take my razor away. They took my sleeping pills away, but I've been put on a bunch of different meds.

This is the worst day of my life. It ends.