DenNor: Purpose [BxB]

Chapter 3

[Lukas]

«And so you let not one, but seven unable to understand and act strangers in our house with no suspect at all?» Emil asks, eating a bunch of licorice candies.
«And may we know why you were on the roof?» adds Kristin.
«I'm sorry... I cannot...» I try to answer, but they interrupt me.
«We are not little kids anymore, Lukas! Do you think we did not notice your behaviour in the last years?» Kristin almost yells, slamming a hand on the table as an aid to lean towards me.
«She's right... you always tell us that we should never act on impulse and then you almost jump off the roof? Sounds a little hypocritical.» Emil mutters.
Kristin turns to him. «That is not where I wanted to arrive, Emil. His own thoughts are a burden for him. But it is obvious he does not want us to do the same thing. Think.», she tells him, then turns back to me and says: «Surprise, we knew. Well, maybe not during the first years, but still, we're your brothers, you could have talked to us.»
«No... you two have more important things to think about... you have to study...» I answer, weakly.
Kristin slams once again her palm on the table. «Smells like bullshit. Since when is education more important than a life?»; as she says this, she steps back in pain, holding her own wrist. When the pain fades, she lets go of it and looks at it, then mouths the word Change, confused.
«Congratulations, sister.» I say, looking at her with a smile.
She points at me and restarts talking: «I don't care about this right now! What is more important is you. Can Emil and I please know why you would not tell us about how you felt? Is it because of...»
«I would have given you anxiety. What sane person would go and tell two teenagers whose purpose has not yet appeared that their older brother does not have one and has a whole lot of problems because of that?»
Emil speaks up: «I would have tried to help you. And Kris would have done that as well.»
I feel guilty, like I have been lying to myself and to my brothers for the past four years; and not just to us. To everyone I know. My classmates and teachers in high school, my lecturers now, even that Matthias who literally saved me...
«It's not a teenager's buisness. The only thing you have to worry about is studying to get out of here and have a successful life, since I can't.», I snap.
«Stop it, will you? We already told you our opinion on this. So stop talking nonsense.», the two shout before leaving.

It takes me a long, battling series of thoughts to realize that they are right and I have been, in fact, hurtful to myself and others, by lying.
Though, there is not much more I could have done; I want to at least try to do something, I don't care if I fail, I just long for the illusion of things going well. And if reaching that illusion requires lying about not being a defective product, I will do that too.
My train of thought wanders to Matthias again. He seems like someone fun to hang out with, unless he's in conditions similar to the ones he was in last night... there is something about him, probably the fact that he is so lively and reckless, that makes me want to get closer to him...
Now this is nonsensical again, isn't it?
To stop all those thoughts, I decide to just study until I pass out.
Not that I have many more things to do.

[Matthias]

Monday morning, also known as the spawn of the devil.
Guess who has class at 7 AM?
I do!
Also, I'm pretty late, barely concious and my will of listening to a man with eighteen degrees explaining with all the detail possible something I will probably never need, like statistics, is under the ground.

I bust in the class, causing everyone to look at me and my half-spilt cup of tasteless coffee from the vending machine collapse on my usual seat. Even the lecturer takes a break from the explanation to stare at me in scandalized silence.
«Køhler, I suppose.», he says after what seems like centuries.
«Good morning» I mutter. This is already too much. And if you add Gilbert having a fit of hysterical laughter at the other side of the room... we're off to a great start, aren't we?
The lecturers shuts my friend up with a nasty look and gets back to me. «Good morning to you too Mr. Køhler. I would be really glad if you let me go on with my lesson right now.» he says with an obviously fake tolerant tone.
All I do is yawn and he takes it as a sign to go on.