The Girl With The Past

Life In Florida

While we lived in Florida, it wasn't completely terrible but it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine either. It is about 50/50 if you want to look on the bright side. One big thing was  when I turned 13 I lost my virginity. Oops. In my defense, I was dating someone who was 2 almost 3 years older than me. But to me, I truly loved that kid.. I really did. I will always have a place in my heart for him. Everything was going good. I had him, I had school, and I of course had sports. But of course, you can't have everything perfect in your life.  Like I always said, with success comes sacrifices. And I made sacrifices I should have never made.

Most people when they think of sacrifice, they just think of a diet for example. In order to get that perfect body, which would be the success, they would have to give up that perfect chocolate cake, which would be the sacrifice. But my perspective of sacrifice is dropping people around you who could be considered distractions but in reality they never turn out to be one. Ignoring everyone because you have to be better than you were yesterday even if you know you aren't making progress. Sacrifice means something different to everyone and that is okay. 

Sports were my entire life, but so was this guy. He was my best friend. Not at first though. I had plenty of friends.  I wasn't part of the cool kids or the sporty kids or whatever. I was in between. I never knew who I really was in middle school.  I wasn't one of the kids who had to find out. I was set on sports and achieving my goals. Ha. I tried to be. But in middle school I was a firecracker. I would have detention all the time and I was best friend with the Dean of Students because I couldn't stay out of trouble. But that wasn't completely my fault. I met Christian in school and he became one of my closest friends, even to this day. Christian started out as a joke. Yeah, I know. I am a terrible person. But it turned out good. Anyways, my friends made a bet I couldn't get christian, who was the quiet football kid, to be interested in me. Well turns out they were wrong. Within a week, me and him were close. And I loved it, but it wasn't all sunshine with him. I was a player as much as I hate to say that. But I never was serious. Like dude, it is middle school. No one was serious anyways, so why would I put my heart into someone. Christian was someone I hurt over and over but he still let me be in his life. He fell in love with me and I truly thought the feeling was mutual. But again, I was 13 what did I know. Christian was a boy  I talked to all throughout middle school and the best memory I have with him is the fact he asked me to a dance and I of course said yes. He bought me flowers and a ticket and my favorite drink to ask me. The dance was that day. Well... turns out, I ended up getting suspended that day so I couldn't go. And he tried and tried to convince the Dean to let me go. But the dean was fed up. So I ended up going home and eating ice cream. In my defense, I didn't really plan on going anyways.

After Christian, there was Brad. Brad was different. He didn't want what most kids wanted. He saw a future. He saw potential. But again, I was young. I never took it seriously. I only got with him because I low key liked his brother Scott. Scott was and always will be a player. But I still wanted him. He was in a higher grade than me so I knew it was never going to happen. Again though, that wasn't stopping me. It was just a little school girl crush. It helped me in the long run though because I always went to school just to see a smile on his face. It was never because of me but hey. He always smiled. He hung out with the cool kids and always skipped class but he got his life together and is now in the marines. I will always be proud of him. 

The next person who had an impact on my middle school life was Austin.  I don't really count Austin as a boyfriend. He was more of just a side boy. We never did anything. Hell we never kissed. So it doesn't really count. Well not to me. Back to the point, Austin was a kid who helped me through some stuff. He helped me through depression or at least tried to. I give him that but it just didn't work out. 

Throughout middle school, life was fine.. until grade 8. Things got rough. I was dating Xavier and I dropped a lot of people for him.. not many people liked that. Xavier was the kid who was older than me, but I thought it was okay. I was just in a relationship. What did I know? I was basically an only child considering my mom moved me away from all of my siblings. Xavier was a what some people call territorial. And it got me in trouble a lot. I became so into him and making him happy I left all of my friends. But I came back. I always came back. But the problem was.. they thought I was making a big mistake and they knew I wasn't going to back down. So they quit talking to me. I had no one. This relationship didn't go as planned. I was still depressed. I was still upset. But I was scared to end it with him.. his anger scared me. My anger is to a point where if I am mad I can't control it.. So I was scared to ever speak out. 

When I got with him, I had it all. But then things got rough. I was starting to get bullied. But it didn't stop there. I let it get to me. And it hit me hard. It just started out with little things here and there. The occasionally shove or shoulder check, but it then got to a point it was getting more physical. I was now getting into more fights, I was arguing more, and I was definitely skipping school more. But is this really the life I wanted? No it wasn't. But I had no choice. The cutting and depression got worse, but most didn't know. 

Cutting was my escape from everything. First it was just little scratches here and there. Then I went to scissors and I finally turned to my pocket knife. I never wanted to continue. But it happened. I needed to do it. The more the bullying happened, the more I craved cutting myself. Ironic huh, the one thing that could end my life is the one thing that makes me feel the most alive.  It got hard knowing I had no one to go to. But Xavier made it seem like I had it all. So I had him. If you think, maybe one day I will see how happy I could have been. But overall. I continued to talk to Xavier. I moved back to Indiana when I was 14 and I was still talking to  him though. We were still dating, well at least trying.