The Girl With The Past

Coming Home

When I came home, I was still dating Xavier. 

Life wasn't completely bad at this point. But you know life, just because something is good at one point does not mean life is always going to stay that way. It was all good until things started to change. We were okay at some points. We would talk everyday and it was a sense of "home" to me because I am not a big fan of change.  But who really is? Who really willingly wants to change life as simple as a switch? Not many people seem to be a big fan of that. And that is okay though. 

Coming home wasn't as bad as everyone thought. Well as everyone saw. I was still dating xavier when I came home and all was okay. I would talk to him occasionally and it would be like I never left. But I always had my doubts whenever it came to him. It seemed as though I may have been gone that he took advantage of that. But what can I say, I did the same thing and did not even realize I was doing it. 

At this point I was living with my sister, her husband, her kids, my brother, and my mom. So you would think I would have a stable home life. But oh dear was that not the case. As the months went on, Xavier and me became distant from each other and boy did he hate it. I knew when I moved home things were going to change but for some reason I was ready for them. I wanted those changes. But not all at once. Coming home helped me see a lot of things just it took awhile. Since I moved back, I started to make friends. Four in particular. Duncan, Sara, Daisy and Austin. Here is where the fun part begins. Actually here is where a mess of heartbreak, broken friendships, lies and trust issues reside. But what fun would that be if I was straight up with you about it? 

About 3 months after I moved back I broke up with Xavier. He was getting too overly attached  and he wouldn't let go. But turns out, he cheated on me with my best friend of the time. But sometimes what comes around goes around.  I will not say I am completely innocent in this story because no one is. When I moved back I did start to move on from Xavier but I needed to. I couldn't keep  myself set on something I knew wouldn't be good for me. I was in 8th grade when I moved back and that alone was hard. 8th grade I went to 3 other different schools before we came home and it really took a toll on me. I was tired of always being the new kid. Maybe that is why when I moved home I wanted to get rid of the past. Maybe that is why I wanted to get rid of Xavier.  

When I started 8th grade here it was in the middle of the year but that was okay, I was used to it by now. When I started school I tried making friends and what can I say, for some reason I was good at it even when I didn't want to. I became friends with Christian, and no not the one from Florida either. He wasn't in the picture much at this time. Christian instantly became one of my good friends. Every day him and Jaylen would talk to me like they knew me the entire year or at least more than a few days. Eventually things were getting rough between Xavier and I and christian started to realize it.  One day I came to school and was crying that morning and I ended up convincing everyone I was fine. But you know, those boys knew better. Christian wouldn't let the subject go. But then again, what friend would. 

Christian knew how to make me smile even when I didn't know how and that was one great thing about him. Even if drama was involved with him.I soon met Sara, Duncan, Austin and Daisy this year and everything was fine. We were all good friends and it was like we had a bond that couldn't be broken. I was talking to Duncan at this time but again, nothing serious because I was a year older than him so it could have not ended like we wanted anyways. But we all remained friends even through our "relationships" and "friendship breakups." Eventually Xavier ended up out of the picture and Christian took his spot. We talked about it off and on but I never really thought much of his flirting considering he did it all the time.  This carried on over into 9th grade where we still ended up talking on and off and everyone knew it. 

Going into 9th grade was a lot easier then we expected considering we all basically just moved buildings.  I had my squad by my side and that was all I could ask for. But like I have stated, just because it started out good does not always mean it will end good in the end. That is the hardest part of all. 

Sara, Duncan, Austin and Daisy all lived right around the corner from me so our friendship was harder to break. But with Christian? He had other plans in mind. I will not say he was a bad person or bad boyfriend or whatever you are thinking because honestly? It wasn't him that was the problem. The rumors and the drama was. No one liked us being together and that was okay with me. But to him, he let it get to him. But again, I don't blame him because we were young. Freshman year was a big thing to us for some reason. We ended up not dating anymore and I ended up talking to Duncan. Sara always had a thing for him but he always wanted me. Austin wanted me too. I was dating Duncan for a little but I wasn't the faithful girl I should have been. I messed around with Austin hoping that Duncan would leave because well lets be honest. He deserved better than me.  Everyone knew it but he didn't want to believe it. He stayed by my side no matter what I put him through and to this day he is still the same way.

 I am a person that comes and goes in peoples lives. It is not fair to them or me but that was just the person I became. I feared love. I feared commitment. I feared anyone getting close to me. But that was okay. I made it work. As the year went on, new relationships were being established. Austin got a new girlfriend but continued to mess around with me and Duncan tried dating Daisy. But that didn't go quite as planned because I was still around and Duncan wanted me. Sara finally got Duncan and it took some time but they have both come to accept I will always be in the picture. I don't like the fact it came to this but in reality, I am not as good as a person as everyone seeks me out to be. I play with hearts, I use my friends and I regret it all later when I realize that this is who I am and no one understands I hate being this person.

When I realized I was this person I tried to push everyone away for their own good. I thought if I pushed them away, they could not leave me first. Because I was that paranoid. Eventually time came and I was moving to another house which meant saying goodbye. But saying goodbye was typically not my thing then again these people were not my thing either so I thought I owed them a good bye. May have been a good or bad thing and I am still not sure I know the answer.

The day I moved I told Duncan goodbye. I hung out at his house like I always did  and when it was time to go home I told him I was leaving and that I would come back. He made me feel as if I was losing someone for good. And I really didn't want to believe that would be the case. I eventually got him to believe everything would be fine and that he could get a hold of me at anytime even if I was at school and he finally calmed down.  That was only one goodbye.

The next goodbye was to Sara which involved a long message and a few tears because she was like a little sister to me. She was constantly around and she really became my best friend even when she knew I was getting myself into trouble. She stayed by my side to pick up the pieces. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things to do. That day I planned to say goodbye to daisy as well but at this point, but as the story goes, Daisy was no longer my friend. She thought she was too good for me. And I accepted that. 

The last good bye was to Austin. This one was not planned and was not even supposed to happen. Austin is not a boy who gets in his feelings and this day was the day that broke him. I told him to meet me at the park and I waited at our spot. I was supposed to leave in 20 minutes. He came and immediately kissed me like he always did. But he knew something was off because I could not look him in the eye. I told him I was leaving now and that I would one day come back for him. He broke down right in front of me. He then got on the topic of his dad which he never did. He made me promise to come back unlike his dad and that promise I knew I had to make to him even if I knew it would most likely be broken. I could not hurt him more than I did. He eventually got me to a point I was crying and I knew it was time to go. When I looked back, he was just sitting in our spot crying as he watched me leave the house and leave our neighbor as I never looked back.