blurry lines// joshler

:.:one:.:

"No, actually I do not want to go in there-" I said being cut off my mother.

"No, actually you need to go in there," she said mockingly, then her face formed into a frown. "Josh, don't you see what you're doing to yourself? Don't you think you need help?" she asked me, a few tears slipping out of her eyes.

I know I need help. I know that it isn't normal to think you're a waste of space, and don't deserve to live, that everyone secretly wants you dead. I know it's not okay. But for me, it is just the way things are. Cutting myself on a daily basis is just, life for me.

"Yeah, i know. I'm sorry mom," I say hugging her. I know what I'm doing to her. Seeing her kid in the hospital after attempted suicide is rough. Watching your kid's arms be sewn up, a feeding tube stuck up their nose; all of this is probably hell for her. But it's hell for me too. I don't know why people can't just let me die. Why do I matter so much, she has Jordan, Ashley, Abigail. Why do /i/ matter? I'm just a dumb teenager with screwed up hair, from dyeing it so much, and a screwed up mind from wanting to die so much.

"Just, please focus on getting better. I really want you to be better, baby. I love you." my mom said as she stepped out of the car, I got out as well. She grabbed my hand and we started walking towards the mental hospital.

:..:

I had said goodbye to my mom a couple minutes ago. There were a lot of tears and promises that are bound to be broken. Now this woman named Mary was showing me around the place, slowly taking me to my bedroom. She said that I'd be sharing it with someone, but wouldn't say who, or anything. To say I'm nervous is an understatement, I'm terrified of the nut I'll be sharing a room with. I hope they're there for similar reasons as I am, so we can connect. Maybe become friends.

We take a turn and walk through doors, that lead to a bright, white hallway. It's so sterile I'm going to be sick. We then stop abruptly in front of the room, that has a small sign on it that reads:

Tyler Joseph - Joshua Dun

So I'm guessing my roommate's name is Tyler.

"Okay, so Josh. your roommate is Tyler. There's a bathroom in the room and you know where the commons are; if you need to find a nurse for any reason just shout and we'll be there. Any questions?"

"Yeah, uh, is Tyler also suicidal or like..?" crazy, I want to say. Is he crazy?

"Josh! It's not polite to ask that. No questions like that /ever/ again. Don't ask Tyler either. That's not allowed here." Mary said sternly. I gulped and nodded, as she opened the door; revealing a small boy, shaking slightly, in the corner of the room, knees pulled up to his chest.

"Tyler? This is Josh. he's your roommate." Mary said, and the fluffy brown haired boy looked my way, then straight back down to the ground. "Okay. Josh holler if you need anything. Feel free to unpack and do whatever you'd like." she told me as she shut the door. Then I was alone with the shaking boy.

:..:

After a good ten minutes of silence between me and Tyler, I had started to unpack. I only brought some extra clothes, some books, and my stuffed bear. As I folded my plaid shirt, placing it on the dresser at the foot of my bed I saw Tyler shift around from the corner of my eye.

"Why are you here?" he asked suddenly. I was caught off guard by his slightly raspy voice, but it was a lot higher than I thought it would be. I love the sound of his voice. It's very unique.

"Uh, self-harm, suicide. You know that fun stuff," I said and cracked a smile, hoping he would too. He didn't.

"Oh," he said, and found my eyes, and stared at me. So i stared right back at his beautiful cocoa eyes. I knew it would end badly but I decided to ask him.

"W-what about you?" he broke our fantastic eye contact and stared at the ground. "So-sorry I didn't mean to-"

"No, no, it's fine, i- promise you won't hate me?" What could be /so/ bad inside your brain that could make me hate you? I wanted to say. Instead, I just nodded, coming a little closer to him. "I have... uh, schizophrenia."

I was silent. I had expected anxiety, maybe some panic thing. Not schizophrenia. I didn't think I'd be put in a room with a schiz. I thought it would be just a ton of suicidal teens, not this.

"Sorry. You probably weren't expecting that. I'm sorry you don't need to talk to me ever again if you don't want to... god, why are you so quiet? I'm sorry!" he suddenly started shouting and shaking violently, tears brimming his eyes.

"No, no, no, tyler I'm sorry I was thinking. It's fine," I said as I faked a smile. He looked up at me, and his shaking slowed down.

"You're lying! It's not fine, that's a fake smile. what are you doing?!" he started shouting at me again. His shaking increased as well. I was definitely not expecting this. I thought.

"I'm fake smiling because I'm depressed! I can't just smile out of nowhere! I'm /sad/!" I shouted back. Tears started falling down his cheeks, as he pulled his knees closer to his torso, shaking harder than before. "Tyler, i- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout at you." he placed his forehead on his knees and started crying. Maybe he is crazy. I thought. Then quickly dismissed the idea. "I'm sorry Tyler."

//new book? idk what im doing anymore. i really wanted to write a joshler/tysh book so here you go. longer chappies than my other books and im excited for this book. ok bye love yall, stay alive frens//