Ten Funny Stories Complete Collection

An Ode to the Big Toe

Paul R. Wonning

It is time to consider the plight of that forgotten appendage at the end of your foot that we call the big toe. Or, the hallux as people that like fancy names have termed it. The big toe is an unheralded champion that leads us through life, unseen by most, an unappreciated, unsung hero. It is time to honor the big toe with an ode to its service.

Why write an ode to the big toe, you might ask? What is the big toe but a major source of toe jam and a home for huge painful bunions. It is also the spot that the dreaded gout chooses to inflict its painful torture on the afflicted, you might further query.

Consider the service the big toe renders to us humans.

The big toe aids us as we walk or run, propelling us forward to our next step. Without the big toe to guide us, the foot might not have evolved in its current form. Our soles might have developed huge mucous glands. These might enable us to creep forward like a slug or snail, trailing huge gobs of disgusting mucous in our wake.

We mistreat the toe by our insistence on choosing too small footwear that causes hammertoe and sesamoiditis. Athletes can create their own big toe problems. Intense competition on artificial turf can cause a condition called turf toe. This condition creates a lot of pain and discomfort.

The big toe gives us the extra height we need to see the top shelf of our closet when we are searching for that lost pair of gloves. Ballet dancers pirouette upon the big tow. Football players make millions of dollars on their big toe's talent to send a ball zinging through a goal post dozens of yards away.

Soccer players also call upon the strength of the big toe as they ply their trade kicking balls into faraway nets.

Besides being the strong man of the foot, the big toe can be quite talented as well. Anyone that doubts the musical ability of the big toe need only watch a video of Sammy Davis Jr. as he tap dances in his graceful, nimble way. Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire also pushed the endurance of their big toes to the limits as they danced their way to fame. Musicians born without arms have taught themselves to play the guitar, piano and other instruments with their toes. Guess which toe does most of the work.

Without the big toe, flip-flops would be a useless piece of footwear.

Artists that express their creativity using the toe nail as a medium save their most ornate design for that of the nail of the big toe.

Not all this means that the big toe can't be spiteful. It can. On some people, the big toe is not the longest toe. Big toes tend to notice this slight. In retaliation they can inflict upon the body a painful condition called Greek foot or Morton's syndrome. Beware those that slight the big toe.

We use the big toe to test water before we swim in it. We dip its tip into cold, icy water before deciding whether to immerse the other, more cowardly body parts in the wet environs.

The big toe has the thickest, toughest nail adorning its top. Heaven help the pet or small child who gets in the way when we cut that nail and it wings across the room, smashing all who stand in its way.

As we have seen, the big toe allows us to walk, jump and run. It takes the weight of the body on its own stubby shoulders and does it duty almost without complaint.

So take a moment now to take off your shoe and thank your big toe.

Go ahead, plant a nice juicy kiss on it.

Now that all the people around you are looking at you with funny looks on their faces, put your shoe and sock back on and try to ignore them.

Ten Funny Stories Complete Collection

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