Poetry of Love and Pain

It's Better I Live Alone

Do you want to know how I'm really feeling?
With my too many problems and not enough time to solve them
I'm depressed
Depressed even though I show this great big shield of but giving a fuck
Depressed because I'm too much of a problem, with the only solutions being to send me away or fill me up with pills
I'm not hungry because I'm chocked full of medications
To make me sleep
To make me sane
To keep me calm
To relieve the pain
To make me that fake kind of happy you only see in movies
To keep me from killing myself
Depressed because the only way to make me feel even a fake kind of happy is to fill me up with pills
I may be filled with pills but I'm still starving
Starving for the affection I so desperately need and want
I can't seem to get it anywhere so I turn to animals to help because they won't run away
They will allow me to share away my pain
I can hold them forever and even cry
They won't judge
They won't run away
They'll only ever lay there and accept the fact that I need them to stay
I'm hurt
Hurt because the only true friends I've ever had I made up in my head
Hurt because the people of my past that I've cared about and thought cared about me only really ever cared when it was convenient for them
Cause it was alright when they needed something
The friends in my head have done a Hell of a lot more for me then the friends I thought I had
Hurt because the only things I have to connect with are a collection of movies and a group of imaginary friends I made up so I wouldn't be alone all of the time
I'm confused
Confused because I'm in my twenties and I'm already thinking everyday about how much better I'd feel drinking away each day just so I can forget the last
Because as I drink away the day the pain dies with it
Confused because I'm so young but yet I feel like I'm dying more each day
Physically, mentally, emotionally drained
I can't stay still but all I want to do is sleep
I'm scared
Scared that every little change I make is going to impact every aspect of my life
Scared because I'm losing my mind, and losing my mind means being shipped away
Shipped away to become someone else's problem
To be tied up, locked down, drugged up, and left to rot in a sea of depressive thoughts and medications
Scared because I'm so used to being depressed and alone that every little bit of happiness I do get I feel is going to slide out of my grip at any moment and I'll be alone again
Scared because I'm honestly hair alone and I shouldn't be
Scared because everyday feel like I'm dying a little more
I'm sad
Sad because the only hugs I get that last and actually feel like they mean something come from me
Sad because I might truly be better off alone
Sad because my whole life is like a collage you would make in art class except this one shows nothing but pain.....
Do you want to know the real me?
I am a product of a lifetime of physical and mental abuse
Of fake smiles and real scars
Of a combination of drugs and psychiatric "help"
I am a product of mutilation and self annihilation
I am a product of a lifetime of confusion and blame
I am me, and that's all you need to know