Just in Case

Sweater Weather and A House by the Lake

The week flew by and I attributed the quickened time to my mixed feelings of anticipation and dread of my date with Justin. My friends had come over Saturday afternoon to help me pick out what to wear and we raided my closet while listening to music and consuming our body weight in pizza. I had confessed my dilemma to Chel and Carly as they wadded through shirt after shirt in my closet trying to find the perfect one for tonight.
"I don't know what to do." I grumbled as I reclined onto the bed. "I mean I can skate," liar, "I just don't want to make a fool out of myself. You know?" Carly and Chel grunted in acknowledgement as they continued to dig. Chel pulled my black mini skirt out of my closet, "How about this?" She asked holding the skirt up. It looked like a tent in her hands and I cringed at the idea of how much bigger my clothes were in comparison to her petite figure. Carly turned toward Chel from her position in the closet and narrowed her eyes at her.
"They're going skating, Chel she can't wear a skirt." Carly rolled her eyes and turned back to her rummaging. Chel shrugged and hung the skirt back up on the rod. I was going to have to reorganize my closet after they left.
"I'm not going skating. Didn't you guys hear me?" I screeched. "I can't skate in front of him. I'm going to fall on my face and make a fool of myself." Carly turned around once more.
"Look Amber, it's no big deal that you can't skate. Just tell him you want him to teach you." I scrunched my face up.
"I can skate." I said slowly. "I just don't want to skate in front of him." I lifted my brows for emphasis at the end of my sentence hoping that Carly believed my lie. She didn't. Instead she just rolled her eyes and sat down on my bed.
"Amber, this is what you wanted isn't it?" she asked. I kept my arm flung over my eyes lest they see the amount of anxiety I knew was sitting in them.
"Yeah I guess." I grumbled once more
"Okay then. This will be easy. You just tell him that you can skate and maybe fib a little and tell him you only know the basics or something." I took my arm from my eyes and chanced a look at Carly. She shrugged. "Then he can hold onto you while you go around the park. Maybe hold your hand while you skate. It'll be fun and maybe even a little romantic." I rolled my eyes. Parks were not romantic. This was going to be a complete disaster. Chel's phone shrilled at that particular moment and she announced that Steve was at her house and she had to go.
"Just, try to have fun." Chel said to me as she left my bedroom. I nodded to her and stood up to take her place at my closet. My clothes were all flung around the room and I knew my mom was going to lose her shit when she got home if I didn't clean it up. Plus the mess was driving me crazy. Carly shrugged and started picking up pieces Chel had discarded on the floor.
"What did you and Lenny do on your first date?" I asked Carly as she placed several shirts on hangers.
Carly made a face, like she had something bad in her mouth, "We went out to eat." She said simply. My shoulders sagged. That was it?
"Seriously?" I asked.
Carly nodded, "Seriously. We got tacos and hung out in his car." I frowned. Carly and Lenny were the most punk couple I knew. They were cool, sophisticated, mature, and were practically allowed to do whatever they wanted to do and all they chose to do was eat tacos?
"Why?" I asked. I knew I sounded judgemental and condescending, but in all honesty I had pictured something totally different for them.
Carly shrugged again. I had no idea when she would tire of having to justify what she did and who she did it with to me. I was demanding, I knew, but part of me lived vicariously through her and that part of me wanted a better date than tacos.
"He wanted to hang out, but I had practice that day so I told him he could bring me dinner."
"Huh." I grunted in surprise. I didn't understand. Carly was cool. Lenny not as much. He was short and scruffy and clung to Carly like a lost puppy, but let's be honest so did I. Either way, Carly was the kind of girl who commanded attention and good dates. Dates where you go to concerts, dinners at fancy restaurants, sat in VIP boxes at basketball games. Carly was larger than life and in turn deserved larger than life dates, not tacos in an old beat up Honda Civic. After working in silence for a while Carly and I had the mess all cleaned up and eventually put the pizza boxes in the garbage. We had accomplished nothing in regard to finding something for me to wear to meet up with Justin, but I realized that maybe that didn't matter. That maybe what mattered is that I was freaking the hell out and my friends were good enough people to come to my rescue and help me waste a few hours of time between waking and meeting my mister perfect productively. I was chewing this over as the sound of Lenny's angry bumble bee muffler screamed into my driveway. I sighed through my nose and looked at Carly as she made her way to my door. I knew as soon as she left I would be thrown back into my world of anxiety and I wasn't particularly excited about this prospect. Carly paused at the door and turned to look at me. I was a mess and she could tell. She could always tell. That's what best friends do. They don't have to read you, they don't have to study you, because they've already memorized everything about you. Carly knew me inside and out and she knew I was tied into knots. Carly lifted one side of her mouth into a smile and hugged me. I held on tightly.
"You'll be fine." She murmured. "Just be yourself." She disappeared through the door and I waved at Lenny as she made her way to his car. He didn't wave back.
*************************************************
I spent the last few hours before out date getting ready. My parents were out of town for the weekend spending the night at some campground with their pop-up camper camping group. And thank God. I didn't want them bearing witness to the mess that I was. I put on one of my favorite Story of the Year CD and took the time to shower, wash my hair, shave my legs, lotion up, and the paint my toes and my nails. By the time I was done I had just enough time left to get dressed, and text Justin to ask him where he wanted to meet. Apparently he didn't drive. I know, cue record scratch here. He didn't drive. Admittedly that was kind of a turn off. I had always envisioned my boyfriend, any boyfriend, would be the one to come pick me up and take me places. Not that I was a total princess. I liked driving, but there was something that was weird or awkward to me about dating a guy who didn't drive. Either way, he sent me a text back telling me that I could pick him up at his house. He lived in a small three bed two bath on the lake in Saint Cloud. It sat on about five acres of old farm land. I knew the place because I had driven past it most of my life on the way to and from school, my friends' houses, and the grocery store. I turned into the driveway and pulled up to the house. It was salmon pink color with white trim. The landscaping had been let go and a lot of the shrubbery was dead. What looked well cared for from the street was actually pretty shabby up close. I frowned. I supposed landscaping wasn't a specific care for a group of guys who lived in a house. Especially young guys. I sat in my car for a minute debating on whether or not I really wanted to go to the door. I checked my hair in the rearview mirror. It was now or never. I climbed out of the drivers side and made my way to the front door. Leaves crunched under my feet and I looked down to see yard trash, cigarette butts, and random broken pieces of plastic shoved into the corner of the alcove that housed the front door. I frowned again. The place was trashed. Again, I hesitated. If he lived in complete squalor, could I do this? It's not that I have anything against people with messy houses, any maybe they just didn't care about the outside of the house, but it kind of turned me off. My parents were blue collar workers, and we didn't live in a spectacular mansion or anything, but they at least instilled in me the value to take care of my things. These guys clearly didn't. I rang the bell and stepped back, more leaves crunching under my feet. I rolled my eyes. I guy opened the door and for a moment I thought I had the wrong house because he was in his mid thirties. When Justin told me he lived with his friends, I was thinking they would have been closer to his age. My age. This guy was old enough to be my dad and was looking at me expectantly.
"Uh, is Justin here?" I asked. Rather than answer he just nodded his head and walked further into the house leaving the door open. Was I supposed to follow him or wait outside? I wasn't sure.
"Justin!" He called into the house as he made his further into the darkness. It looked as though they didn't have any of the lights on despite the fact that it was already evening time and dark outside. I waited for a minute on the precipice of the entrance as Justin made his way from where ever he was to me. Realizing that I was two seconds away from being alone with him freaked me out. My stomach started twisting into knots and I began fiddling with my keys. I had no idea how I was going to play off this whole 'I can skate' bullshit. My heart was racing. I could see a silhouette making its way toward the door and my hands started shaking. My keys were making this atrocious rattling noise in my nervous hands so I shoved them into my pocket. There was a weird bulge in the front of my pants from my keys but it was too late. Justin was standing in front of me and all I could do was stare. He was dressed in head to toe black which made him look edgier, sexier. His hair had been gelled into a mohawk down the center of his head and I could see he had the absent lip ring in place. I caught myself staring at his mouth and the ring that encircle his full bottom lip and I began wondering what it would be like to take that ring in between my teeth and tug slightly.
"Hey." His voice cut into my thoughts forcing my eyes up to his. He was even taller than I thought and I was forced to tip my head back slightly to look at him. He smiled. I melted. "Wanna come inside?" I hesitated. Did I? I didn't know these people and I really didn't know Justin all that well. "I could introduce you to my roommates?" He asked. I could tell he was nervous, too, which I thought was ridiculous. He was perfect. He had no reason to be nervous.
"Um, sure." I didn't really want to meet his roommates. I could care less about who he lived with. But that had to be a good sign, right? Meeting his friends? Like wasn't that some sort of test for someone who you were contemplating making your significant other? Justin held the door wider as I stepped across the threshold. Christ he was tall. I stepped past him and paused in the entryway. The house was dark. The only thing on was a stove light in the kitchen and the television in the living room. I shoved my hands into my pockets. I was getting more and more anxious by the minute.
"They're watching a movie." He murmured into my ear. Justin had closed the door and was now standing directly behind me. I could feel his breath graze my cheek as he straightened and moved past. I turned my head in the direction from which his voice had come and came face to face with his chest. He was standing so close. God I was nervous. I didn't know what to say, do, where to put my hands. I tipped my head back and looked up. He was smiling an adorably crooked smile. I smiled back. I may not have wanted to be there, and in may not have wanted to meet his roommates, but he could make me do anything with that smile. We stood there for a moment like that, just smiling at each other stupidly, not knowing what to say to one another now that this moment had finally arrived. It was bliss.
"I can give you a tour? Show you my room?" He asked.
I nodded, "sure." I rasped. The idea of being alone in his room created a whole new sensation charging through my stomach. He tuned reaching behind him for my hand to lead the way. I reached forward and slid my hand into his reveling at that his completely encased mine. I was not a small girl and it genuinely shocked me that he dwarfed me on every way possible. He made me feel small and feminine for the first time in my life and I allowed myself to soak in that feeling. His hand was warm and gentle as he guided me past the living room where an older girl and the guy from the door were curled up.
"Amber this is James and Stephanie, they're the roommates I told you about." He nodded in their direction. James lifted his hand in acknowledgment but didn't talk to me. Stephanie did nothing. We stood there for a moment, Justin watching the screen, me watching our hands. I hoped he'd never let go. Eventually Justin looked down at me and back to his roommates. "I'm gonna give her the tour." He said to them. James just lifted his hand again, but this time Stephanie said,
"Show her the kittens, J." Justin nodded and made his way to a room to the left of the living room. He opened the door and led me through closing the door behind us. Darkness swallowed me and I began to panic a little. Justin still had hold of my hand, but our arms were stretched apart as he strained to turn the lights on without letting go of me.
"This is my room." He said once he finally got the lights on. I turned from the door to face the room. There was a mattress, missing its box spring and bed frame, lying on the floor in the center of the room. The sheets were crumpled as if he had been sleeping in it moments before. There was also a small wooden desk to the right of the door that held a small collection of cds, several bottles of hair gel,  and various other miscellaneous items. His skateboard was leaning against the wall and I could tell that the deck was all marred up from use. Beyond the desk was a closet whose doors had been left open. His closet was crammed full of clothes and lying on the floor, crumpled in a heap, was his blue Walmart employee vest. It was messy, like any ordinary teenage boy's bedroom, but not in complete disarray like the outside of the house.
"You have kittens?" I asked. Justin nodded and walked over to his closet. Kneeling down he pulled aside a towel reveal a mother cat and her babies all curled together on a blanket that had been folded for them at the base of one of the closet doors. The kittens were mewing and pushing into their mother's tummy, probably to get milk, and the mother was sprawled on her side.
"She gave birth yesterday." Justin told me as he stroked the mother cat's head. The kittens were adorable. I squatted down next to Justin and watched as they crawled over one another in an attempt to eat. We watched them for a few minutes, Justin stroking the mother cat's head and back as if trying to comfort her from her exhausting delivery, me watching him and watching the kittens in complete shock. How could the huge, punk-rock skater guy, with tattoos and piercings, be so tender and sweet and nurturing? He was the kind of guy, who when out at a store or in any public place would have received looks of disdain, and yet here he was crouched over these kittens and mother cat caring and nurturing for them in a way that most other people wouldn't have bothered. It struck a chord in my heart to watch him. He was huge, and yet so gentle. "I helped deliver them." He said finally after some time. He turned his head to face me and I smiled. This guy had delivered a litter of kittens, lived on his own and supported himself and I could barely buy gas.
"That's so cool." I said, and meant it. I was absolutely amazed that he was capable of so much and I was capable of nothing. Nothing of importance anyway.
"Yeah it kind of was." He turned back to stroke the cat once more before standing up and pulling me with him. "You want to see the back yard? It's the best part of the house." He didn't take my hand again and part of me was saddened at the loss of contact, but I nodded and followed him out of his bedroom to the back of the house. There was a large sliding glass door that opened to a small paved patio at the back of the house, but the scenery was absolutely breathtaking. The land was full of lush green grass and large, ancient oak trees that covered the ground with cool shade. The edge of the lake lapped against the swampy shore and a gentle cool breeze blew through the garden of cat tails at the edge of the water. It was peaceful and serene. I could have stayed there the rest of my days and been in sheer bliss. Justin walked a little ahead of me towards the water, but I took my time memorizing the color of the water, and smells of earth and grass that mingled together on the breeze. Something inside me told me that this would not only be the first, but also the last time I would ever be here at his house, and I wanted a good memory to take with me. Justin spread his arms out wide embracing the breeze that was cool enough to make me shiver and turned toward me. He was smiling again and it was contagious. I laughed a little.
"If you stand real close to the edge, the wind is so strong that it feels like you're flying right over the water." He called to me. I nodded. Strands of hair whipped at my cheeks the closer I got to him. His arms were still press wide and he was walking backwards toward the water's' edge watching me as I followed. He was grinning, like somehow in this moment he was free. I was free, too. I could feel all of my worry and stress about our date, what to wear, what to say, how to act start to fade away. Between the lapping of the soft waves, and the cool wind on my face I was carried away with Justin to a place where it was just he and I. I hadn't noticed that he had stopped waking and I was now standing toe to toe with. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and huddled me to him. I was in heaven. Yes, I could stay here the rest of my days. In Justin I had finally found the sense of peace and a calm that I had been searching for. In Justin, I realized, I could be me. I could be Amber and that would be okay. I smiled up at him, our eyes met, and again my attention was drawn to his mouth and the ring that sat on the right side of his bottom lip. I wanted that lip, and ring. The thought of kissing him sent a shiver through me.
"You're shivering." He said. I nodded. He thought he was because of the breeze, but really it was so much more. He smiled down at me, "looks like we are still in some sweater weather." He said as he ran his hands up and down my chilled skin. I nodded. I could spend the rest of my years in sweater weather and a house by the lake.