Lol, What's Art??? #3

i dont want to wake up anymore

hello again
yeah I'm depressed again
But it's worse this time

I feel like crying because my parents expect so much of me  and I feel I can't do it. But I don't want to let them down, and then I feel even worse because I think that if I don't do good then I'll just disappoint them

I feel like crying because I have no real life friends who I can talk to, hang out with or laugh with or anything, because I turn everyone away because they don't fit what I want as a friend, and I feel like I can't trust them. And then I think of what my life will be like in the future, will I have a job or will I live on the streets alone? Will I have friends by my side or won't I?

I feel like crying because of Valentine's Day. It's just a vile reminder that no one will love me, and if anyone tries to get close to me they'll just hurt me by telling something private I told them or betraying me to be with someone else. And I look ahead in my life and realize that I'll die alone with no one by my bedside to hold my hand because my parents will be gone and my sister doesn't care about me

I feel like crying because as much as I love my sister, she doesn't care at all for me. She always speaks against me, she's never on my side and she always, always tells me how much of a horrible sister I am, of how I'm bossy and rude, and when I try to help her she never listens. I like to pretend that she does love me, like she did when we were little. Back then we were friends, and now I feel like she hates me.

I'm crying because the people who I am friends with live miles and miles away from me and I can't talk to them in person or cry on their shoulder when I need them the most. And if they would even care about me or see me the way I see them.

I'm crying because every morning I wake up is just another twelve hours of torture, of doing nothing and everyone acts like it's fine. I wear a "mask" to cover my emotions in public because I can't trust anyone or anyone well enough to tell them how I feel, and I hate counsellors because they act like they know everything but I'm reality they know nothing

I've been thinking for months what it would be like to die, to end this endless suffering of pain and tears but I'm scared of what will happen to my family.

I'm scared of what will happen if I die though to, will i just come back or will I be stuck as a ghost trapped to wonder around watching the world crumble while I can do NOTHING

I'm scared to tell my parents how I feel, because they would probably stick me in counselling and I hate those liars who pretend to understand just to get money. And lately we've been going through so much, because my mom stays at home to watch my little brother and sister and my stepdad is out working for weeks and barely comes home, and we're so low on cash we're lucky to get a hot meal at supper.

My real dad doesn't pay his child support and hasn't in months, which I think is so selfish of him, because he buys a packet of cigarettes every week and he can't pay his fucking child support?!

He doesn't know that I know this, and I'm scared to figure out if it's true, and I'm scared to confront him about it because his current wife's daughter was currently arrested for being a low life druggie, at least this is what I think from what little information I've heard.

I'm scared to confront him about it because I don't know my dad. My mom has told me nearly everything about her, her childhood, her schooling but I know nothing about him. I don't know what he was before he met my mother and I don't remember how he was when my parents weren't divorced because I was so young when they split that I can remember a few fuzzy moments of me sitting on the couch with him. And I only remember that I didn't see him often even then, because he was always working.

I'm legitimately crying because I don't know my dad, we're on the verge of being in debt, my sister hates me, and so much is riding on me to get good grades in school, and I can barely eat or sleep at night because all this runs through my head and I can't take it anymore.

It's to fucking much for me to handle.

I don't give a shit if you call me a faker or an attention whore, but I'd like you all to know that while I wrote this I fucking cried.

And I hope you all feel special because your the only ones I've told all this

I just don't want to wake up anymore.