Pale Soul Sea (#Wattys2018)

My Therapist Visit

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"You never know why you're exhausted. You're fighting a war inside your head every single day. If that's not exhausting I don't know what is." The therapist replied back.

She asked me if I was happy, In which I didn't know how to reply. Yet I replied truthfully, "What is happiness to you? . . . What does it mean to be happy? Because these day's I feel really crappy."

"Don't get me wrong I have laughed and I have smiled. . . But that hasn't happened in a long while. I think I was happy once. But now I just don't know." His voice carried over the broken sorrow of a child abused for so many countless years who has been consumed by traumatic fear.

 

"I don't remember when I truly meant the smile or laugh. I don't remember when I felt it and meant it, I don't remember the last time my heart wasn't bented. Now I have to wake up and drown my sorrow with, 'make it better,' Pills to fake perfection. When in reality I am at fault for my father's rejection."

"I have to paint on a smile, and fake a laugh. As if the things from the day before don't carry trauma. I am sick Of this Drama! And I am so sorry to my momma. But my life is not a freaking fairy-tale, with little birds flying about and singing their songs, I apologize for my wrongs. But I do not want to pretend as if I am okay, I'm not, I feel caught. And I am sorry."

"I am so sorry, I might not have scars on my hands or arms. But my mind is bruised, my heart is beaten, and my soul is defeated. I feel as if I have been cheated, cheated of a life I feel I deserve. People tell me I'm perfect and I should be happy. . . But I can't. It hurts that I can't be what everyone want's me to be."

"Or what anyone needs. It hurts that I Can't be what I want; What I need to be. Because I'm not good enough, And I never will be! I'll never even be close to enough. Because I'm not tough, or buff. I'll never fit the description so I guess that qualifies me for countless over the counter prescriptions. And it hurts, It hurts so bad. I'm Broken, My god, I am broken."

I try to hold back, but my pain comes to a rise. Bursting forth like water from a dam. There is static in my head once again, the side effects of my constant fear; This happens to come back every year. My walls that once made me strong, come crashing down and once again I am about to drown. . .

"You are not broken, You are breaking through. You are in the beginning of a making. Feelings are just visitors and you have to let them go. You need to look in the mirror, and confront the demons that threatened to swallow you whole."

"You hate when people see you cry because you want to be strong, but to crave for a presence all along, or am I wrong? At the same time you hate that no one's there to standby and make sure you are alright. Your bruises are covered by the smile on your face. Your tears drown out the blood lost yesterday. You walk down the same gateway, making sure to just walk midway, taking short pathways so your mind won't lead you to a highway."

"And I am so sorry that the world has broken you down to believe that you are nothing, but by all means you are something. You can recover from all that has happened to you! You're so willing to feel it, I know you can heal it, once you seal it."

"Sometimes healing comes it waves, and other times healing is going to hit rocks. And that is perfectly okay, because you are still healing. You are not alone."

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