All Alone

Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End

The room is dark, the only light lighting up a portion of my room is coming from my phone. My phone is shining it's light onto my legs revealing blood. My left leg is bleeding more than my right. I cut my left leg more than my right leg. I don't normally cut both; but this time I did. My blades are sitting beside me on a piece of tissue. Some people think it's hard to get razor blades but it's actually quite easy. You can use anything to cut but I prefer to use razor blades. I just pulled one of my shaving razors apart and that gave me two blades. That's all I need, I don't cut much. 

I only cut when I'm feeling so alone, when the pain is too much to handle on the inside. I can't breathe properly and the thoughts are as thick as night time fog. As soon as I reach my hand out I lose it in the fog. I cut to release the pain. I let the blood free my body. It feels so good, and it makes everything feel numb, and painless. That's how I want to feel all the time but I can't because my heart has feelings and my heart likes to win.  

It's 10:45 pm everyone else is sleeping; I should be to. But I'm so alone tonight. I've finally come to realise that she's not going to change. This is who she is now. I've lost her forever, this time it's real. I know it's real because I'm choosing to let go. She was my best friend, she was my rock. I'm nothing without her and I have no one. I've lost my best friend and my boyfriend. 

I knew the relationship was over way before I ended it. It took me 8+ goes to break up with him. He wouldn't take"It's over" for an answer and I didn't want to hurt him. Eventually I finally convinced myself to break up with him and make it official. He'd be okay without me, he will find someone better. After I broke up with him he started treating me like shit. I guess that was his way of dealing with it and I'm okay with that. Maybe I deserved it.

I can't go back to that school next year. I can't face all of those people on my own. Facing all of those people on my own is like walking into a cage of hungry lions that haven't been feed for a week.