Twisted Tales

Chapter Three: MISSION FAILED

It was meant to be a simple sure-win assignment. Nothing less was expected, nothing less would be tolerated. He wasn't the best agent but he could get the job done, and he never left evidence. I mean, it was three fat little boys who had ate seconds of desert instead of dinner. All he would have to do was eat them.

He was ordered to watch 'em first, and he had done that undetected, or at least he was pretty sure he hadn't been seen. His findings were in his stomach where he kept just about everything. Smartly, he'd tied it to a tooth with dental floss and swallowed it letting it dangle in his stomach until he needed it. He could feel it knocking around in his tummy, it tickled. He looked around impatiently, the minty taste lingering in his mouth.

The three plump little boys would taste far better. He approached the straw structure poorly put together, kicking at a bundle of straw he knocked politely. "Who's dair?" a small voice with a German accent called from within the depths of the house, if you could call the hovel that. "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" the Wolf roared. Spittle flew hitting the thatched door, "NO, not by the curls roun' me 'ead." The Wolf scoffed as was his favorite thing to do. "I don't care about the curls on your head let alone the one on your ass."

The little pig chortled, "Now, I'm definitely not letting you in. The curls are my pride and joy." The Wolf huffed, "Okay then, I'll just huff and puff and knock down your ugly ass little house, pathetic rat." The Wolf pushed lightly on the door and it gave way. "You need to sue the construction company." He walked around the length of the house with an outstretched claw cutting the bindings holding the straw together.

He kicked the pitiful straw walls down, "Now I don't have to ask to come in. The Queen wants you pig, and I'm here to deliver so..." the little pig popped up from behind his little sitting chair. "So, you're her royal pup ready to fetch?" the Wolf ignored the insult and swallowed him whole and alive as was the orders.

The Wolf approached the stick house. Not at all impressive but better than the straw hut. However, it somehow gave the impression that it would be better torn down. He captured easily the second boy and the pig was swallowed whole, just like his brother. The Wolf's troubles began with the oldest pig, the Boar. He was a dangerous intelligent criminal. He made blue collar crime look innocent. I mean no one was stupid enough to mess with the Boar until the Big Bad Wolf.

The Wolf pranced gaily up to the brick house door, it had been easy all day. "Tap!Tap!Tap! Little pig you're the last. Come out, come out, I'll make it quick!" the Wolf laughed wickedly. The door creaked open and swung in, the barrel of a rifle was pointed between his eyes; he went cross-eyed trying to look at it. It gleamed in the golden sunlight. The wooden handle twinkled from its last polish. "Wolf, what in the hell are you doing?"

His white hair blew into his eyes and he blew it back, "I'm in the middle of something." He pulled a lollipop from his pocket and stuck it into his mouth holding the rifle under one arm. "Boar, whose at the door?" a high-pitched voice called, "No one important." He called back over his shoulder, eyes and rifle locked on the Wolf.

A girl around Boar's age popped up behind him, she had golden caramel blonde hair with eyes almost as blue as Boars. Almost. "Who's the no one?" she said wrapping her arms warmly around his waist. "They call him the Big Bad Wolf." He said with a lopsided grin. "Doesn't look big or bad." She giggled. She snatched the lollipop from his mouth giggling again and even the Wolf softened as her chuckle rolled over him like a breath of fresh air. She waltzed down the hall to wherever she'd been.

Boar lowered his gun and put his hands up, "I surrender. Bite me." The Wolf didn't need to be told twice he ate Boar, like a fool. The girl came back and closed the door. The Wolf skipped down the walkway like the big oafish idiot he was.

Inside the Wolf's Stomach

"Oh, goody, Boar is here!" Runt squealed. "You done yet, Brain?" Boar said giving Runt a quick high-five before walking over to his other younger brother. "Nah, I can't think of a way to get it. I should have grabbed it on the way in but his breath practically knocked me out." He shook his head sullenly. "Same here, sorry." Runt murmured, "Well, we could try a pyramid or human ladder." Boar said, staring at the SD card just out of their reach. Brain looked up disbelievingly.

"It was so simple I didn't even think of that... How tall are you Boar?" he looked Boar up and down with piercing scrutiny. "You're about 5'8", right? Runt I'd say 4'5", and I'm 5'1" almost... Yes this will definitely work."

Boar was down at the bottom struggling under the weight of Brain who stood weakly on his shoulders, he began to teeter dangerously, "Your turn, Runt." Boar grunted, Runt scampered up Boar's leg, grabbing him by the midsection. Boar took Runt by the collar and threw him up in the air. Runt landed acrobatically on the shoulders of Brain and waited a moment for his extra weight to settle.

He peered at the SD dangling on dental floss, raising his arm to grab the chip but it was still inches away, so Runt stretched and leaned closer on tiptoe. But his arms were too damn stubby. "I can't reach it." He yelled down the chain. Boar was close to collapsing so he bent his knees in a last ditch effort. "Boar, what are you doing?" Brain murmured his voice quivering as he felt himself be lowered.

Boar popped up like a desperate and tired Jack-In-The-Box, "Plan B!" he threw Wilbur (or Brain) in the air, who screamed despite himself. He in turn threw Runt who caught on quickly and sprang. His hand reached out and closed around the SD and held on. The floss was strong and stubborn so it didn't break but... the Wolf's tooth did...

Outside the Wolf's Stomach... and Mouth (by the way OUCH)

         The Wolf sat in the bathroom over the sink trying to regurgitate his swallowed tooth. He stuck his finger down his throat for a fifth time. He felt the bile come up, momentarily forgetting the Pigs he had eaten. A slimy slightly acid-burnt Runt, Brain, and Boar crashed down onto the sink and their combined weight snapped it clean from the wall. The Wolf still retching, could do nothing. Boar pulled a gun from his an ankle, a small but effective Ruger LCP that looked almost toy like and with a big lopsided grin Boar and the pigs ran out, triumphant.