Twisted Tales

Chapter Four: In Another Room...

I sleep in the room next to Will's on the far left of the house, and everyone else seems to have chosen rooms on the far right wing of the manor. My bed lies against the adjoining wall next to the door that connects our rooms and his bed is on the farthest wall from the adjoining wall. He claims it's due to a rickety and loud bed frame , but he just wants to be as far as he can away from me. I won't lie, it's breaks my heart to breathe his air. At times I think I should let him go, file the divorce papers that sit in my bedside drawer, but every time I get close to serving them I always want to be selfish a little while longer.

I walked into his room quietly, after a quick shower, the door didn't creak. His classical music played over an ancient phonograph hiding my entrance. He was on the final buttons of his pajamas. I had pulled on my nightgown. I slipped my arms around his waist in a one sided hug. More tears slid down my face. It'd been forever since I'd touched him, had smelled his scent, instead of clutching to jackets and discarded shirts. 

"So, this was the solution?" I asked rhetorically. I cursed inwardly at how small and desperate my voice came out, muffled into the folds of his shirt. He pried my arms gently from his torso and sat resignedly down on his bed. "What do you mean?" he said with a sigh. I knelt before him, a comfortable distance between us, so I wouldn't have to see him back away. "All these years, I've been playing as if it'd change." I tucked my legs under my chin, he averted his eyes.

"Like love would come with time." Will was a boulder I was trying to move alone. "I never said i didn't love you." but he was looking at the floor before me. "Never said you did, either." I sniffled. "I love the kids, and I want to keep them, but we both know when I said I wanted to have kids... I didn't mean like this." I looked down at the black silk, tears pooling in the cradle of my lap.

"You're not old enough." he said simply, "Bullshit! I'm older than Jesus." I retorted, standing up. He looked at me then, with guilt and what I dare recognize as pity. Walking the invisible perimeter of the barrier separating us, I stood before him, "Watch your language." he said softly. "You don't even say my name anymore. Say my name." I tried to get him to look me in my eyes, "Even just Xander, talk to me." my voice cracked as I pleaded to a lifelong silence. I swallowed the sob coming up through my throat. I was desperate for answers, attention, love. His love. I stormed over the invisible boundary he had imposed and I had tiptoed. I stood between his legs and dared him to look at me as a woman.

I wiped away my tears. Straddling his lap, I grabbed his face and closed the distance slowly so he had the chance to pull away. He just watched, as if daring me. I closed my eyes and kissed him for the first time and for a moment he kissed me back. But when I opened my eyes to look at him, his eyes were open as if they had never closed. I momentarily touched our foreheads together and then he held me at my waist but his hands were cold and unfeeling.

I got up and went to the nightstand back in my room. I took out the fountain pen and the thick manila envelope that haunted me and robbed me of sleep. I came back and set them on his side table. "You're not happy with me, and you'll never love me like you love her." I wiped the rest of my tears away, no longer crying. "Don't say anything right now, please. I know you've wanted to, I just wanted to be the first person to say it." I'd never have to hear him say it to me. Because, even though he never said he loved me, he never said he didn't. As I walked back to my room I stopped in the doorway, "Sometimes, I wish you'd just let me marry Anton."

The next day I woke up earlier than usual. The sun had not even begun it's ascension but I had to get up. I took a quick shower and ate an even quicker meal. I scribbled a little note for the kids in case they were early birds and slapped it on the fridge. I snatched my cloak and went to the same old, same old. but for some reason, since the moment I woke I could tell today was different.