"He" Isn't Me

//The Windowsill Looks Really Nice\\

Jenna's POV

     I walk into school and look around. I find Ruby.

"Why is she so beautiful?"

I lean against the doorway of the main entrance into the school. I can't help but stare at her. She looks so gorgeous today . . . Well she does everyday, but her beauty stuns me more and more every time I see her.

I snap out of my trance when I hear my friends laughing and realize they're walking towards me.

"Do I have to?"
"Yes, unless you want to be made fun of for the rest of your life."

I want to cry. I can't stand to see her hurt . . . Especially when I'm the one causing her pain.

"So, I see you've already noticed how hideous she is today," one of my friends say as they stop by my side
"Oh . . Uh . . Yeah," I stammer.
"Then what are we waiting for?" she asks.

They link their arms with mine and we start walking towards Ruby. I'm trying my best to pull myself together and put on my signature "Jenna" face. A face full of pure anger and disgust. Except . . . This face isn't me. I hate it. He makes me do it. He told me it would keep me safe. That no one will make fun of me, for they are terrified of it. He said it will hide the look of pain on my face. But it makes my internal pain worsen.

We approach Ruby just as she is closing her locker, holding a couple textbooks. I smack the books out of her hands. She squeezes her eyes shut as they make a loud thud against the tiled floor.

"Whoops. Oh, I'm so sorry Ruby! Here, let me help you." I crouch down and start picking them up off the floor.

Once I have all the books in my arms, I walk across the hall to a trash can and drop everything in it.

"See ya later!" I exclaim smiling.

My smile is fake of course. Almost all of my smiles and laughs are fake. The only ones that are real and genuine are the ones that appear when I think of Ruby and all the amazing memories and moments we shared.

~

Ruby's POV

     I get my books out of the trash can and open my locker. I shove my books back into my locker and head straight for the bathroom.

     The bathroom door closes behind me as I start walking towards one of the sinks. I put my hands on either side of the sink and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Tears start sliding down my cheeks.

     I realize how fat I look in what I'm wearing. I start thinking about what I've eaten so far today.

"I had a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast . . ."
"Why did you eat the whole bowl?"
"I don't know . . ."
"Half, or even none, of it wouldn't have made you look so fat."
"I won't eat anything else today. I'm not eating tomorrow, or the day after that, or ever. Food only kills me."

     I've realized over the years that food only kills me faster. The more I eat, the more I hate myself. It makes me want to try to fly. I almost jumped once . . .

     I close my eyes. I feel a breeze and start to shiver.

"It's cold out here," I thought as I opened my eyes.

     My older brother was dying. I had to get some fresh air. I walked hastily down the hall to the elevator. I got in and pressed the "roof" button. It was vacant, dark, and windy.

     I stood in front of the ledge looking down upon the bustling city, admiring the street lights and head lights zooming past.

"The only person in your family who loves you is dying and it's all your fault."
"I should be the one in that hospital bed!"

     My vision became blurred as my eyes flooded with tears. My brother could die at any moment now because of me. If I had told him about that car speeding towards his side of our car faster, then he would be fine.

"I wish that car was speeding toward me and not him!"

     I'm unable to control the volume of my voice because of the huge lump in my throat.

"I deserve to die, not him. Why couldn't I have seen that car earlier than when I did?! I'm so worthless. I let the one person who practically raised me, and cared for me the most get hurt. Deathly hurt!"

     It was dark and lonely out on the streets. There were no cars around where we were. The stoplight turned green. My brother started to drive forward. I turned to look at him and saw a car going at around 90 miles per hour, 3 feet away from our car.

"SAM LOOK OU-"

     My warning was cut off by the collision. The speeding car hit Sam's side and sent our car spinning the other direction. I escaped with only a couple cuts and bruises.

     The impact caused so much damage to Sam though. He had a broken back, internal bleeding, and part of his spinal cord ripped. He was in critical condition.

     I climbed on top of the ledge, sitting on my knees. I slowly started to rise to my feet.

"Maybe I could join him . . . We could be beautiful, twinkling stars up high in the sky where no one can touch us . . . Together."

     The breeze started to get stronger, making me sway closer to death.

     I was suddenly jerked backwards. I hit my back then my head on the concrete of the roof. I blinked several times, trying to readjust my vision and saw Jenna. She was laying on the roof next to me, her head resting on my chest. Her tears were soaking my sweatshirt. Jenna saved me . . .

     I snapped back into reality to find myself laying on the bathroom floor.

"I guess I fell . . ."

I stood up and revisited the mirror. I wiped my tear stained face. I cried even harder at the remembrance of Sam.