dan is losing control.
his mind is collapsing, breaking down inside his skull and he can feel the burn physically from the roots of his hair to the tips of his fingers. he watches patiently, a distraught look on his face as he sits quietly on a high chair, catherine's hands curling around both of phil's shoulders as he tries to calm down.
"you won't trip honey, calm down, and even if you do, your dad is gonna be there, he'll be walking with you," catherine's voice is soft, reassuring, just like her grip on the blue eyed boy and phil only takes a deep breath, nodding.
dan tears his eyes away from the scene, watching the splotch of black ink on the side of his hand from signing the wedding papers as a witness, his fingers still shaking and recalling the messy signature.
he feels petty for feeling this affected about phil's wedding, but after looking at pj, he feels like he doesn't even deserve to be the best man. pj's hair is combed into soft curls hanging off his forehead, not uneven and messy like dan's natural hair, and his eyes are a scrutinising jade, so bold, so colourful, so beautiful, compared to dan's colourless ones.
his skin has the smallest tinge of a gold undertone, his jaw curving in the softest way and his lips a soft pink revealing a set of pearly white teeth.
dan is no comparison.
his self esteem which was already blustering on the last of it flames has distinguished to mere ash now, resting in the bottomless pit of his heart where he has grown a small black hole, quickly seeping in it are all the memories and built up happiness he had.
he feels like breaking things and drinking, and curling into the gradually growing warmth of phil's bright blue sheets to calm himself down, to kill the burn that is starting to glow and tear down the skin of his scalp, almost to the point where he wants to stand under a piercing cold shower and just let the fire and aggravation die.
the exit of the small black hole in his heart is opening up at the base of his throat and the end of his stomach, making a fat lump bubble under his tongue, one that is impossible to swallow and a wrenching pain in his gut as if he's ready to sick up the minimal amount of cookies that catherine has brought.
phil is panicking.
his breath heaving everytime he stares at the reflection of dan in the mirror, his warm skin is flushed with a ghostly paleness, and his eyelids are drooped so low that his eyes are almost closed. dan's fingers are scratching aimlessly at the back of his hand, and phil wants to tell his mother to go out so he can hold the younger boy to his chest to calm him down.
he remembers the smile melting away from dan's face as soon as he saw pj, dan's gaze starting at the first curl on his forehead to the leathery material of his shoes. he could see dan's hands slipping from his pocket as he raised it towards pj with a shaky demeanour, the fakest smile plastered on his chapping lips and as soon as pj and his family and friends left for the green room to fix up his already perfect appearance, dan had excused himself as well, towards the male bathrooms and locking himself in for fifteen minutes.
it's been an hour since that happened, and phil's breath is catching everytime he looks at dan's soulless façade, watching the honey in his eyes dissolve more with each second and the pink of his lips fading into the bright surroundings and replaced by a bruising purple.
"mum, i'm fine, i promise," phil can't take it anymore, holding himself together for just a bit longer so he can confront dan. "can you leave us alone, we both need to look presentable," he gestures towards both himself and dan, the younger boy not even aware of the conversation as he is already preoccupied with his own thoughts.
"okay, dan?" catherine calls, her voice softly tearing through dan's uninterested expression as he smiles at her, the cracks in his lips quickly soothing once his tongue runs over them.
"yeah?" his tone is happy, a complete opposite to how he looks like, but maybe phil is the only one who notices the barely flickering flame in his irises.
"you guys take care alright? the reception and the ring ceremony is about to start in about twenty five minutes so hurry up," she rambles quickly and dan nods, looking down at the bright pink line on the back of his hand from the scratching as he folds his hands in his lap in an attempt to hide it. "i'm gonna go and talk to phil's father,"
as soon as the door shuts close behind catherine, phil is up on his feet and making his way to dan, who is sat silently on the bright red high chair, his blunt nails now scratching against the smooth fabric of his pants.
"dan?" phil says quietly, voice cautious and soft and he raises his hand in a bold move to place his palm against dan's cold cheek, causing dan to let out a shaky breath and raising his head to look at phil.
"yeah?" he bites his lip in nervousness, not wanting to stare into the two blue pools that are reflecting pure apathy, confused at the sudden change in dan's behaviour and god, if dan couldn't go swimming in those eyes.
"firstly, stop biting your lip," phil's thumb reaches up to pull the bruised lip from between dan's teeth, who releases it slowly, holding himself back from leaning into the warm palm still caressing his cheek. "secondly, are you okay?" phil asks and dan feels his skull cracking finally at the question, his hands reaching forward and pushing phil away to bury his face in his own hands and breaking down pathetically.
"dan, bab—" the word is on the tip of phil's tongue as he retains himself from saying it, biting the muscle in his mouth before sighing and just letting it slip. "baby,"
phil's fingers grab dan's reluctant hands, pulling them away from his face, and before he can do anything else, dan is collapsing onto him, wrapping his arms tightly around phil's torso and burying his face in phil's chest, sobs getting louder once phil's fingers twist his hair softly and his lips press against the top of dan's head.
"it's okay, i've got you,"
--
hope u are well and good and ur families are happy and u smiled at least twice today i love u all
