I let all of the tears I had been holding in all week fall down my face onto my pillow. It was after my dads funeral, and everyone came to my Mom and I's house after. I didn't cry once since he died because I was so busy being strong for everyone else. Everyone else was out eating comfort food and saying "he's in a better place" or "heaven needed another angel. But I've heard that one to many times and need to be alone.
I heard my door creak open, revealing my boyfriend Ethan in his nice suit. He rushed over to me and held me in his arms. I cried harder.
"He's okay. He's in a better place now. He's happy." Ethan cooed in my ear. I push off of him and look him in the eyes after hearing the typical phrases.
"Yeah. He's okay. But I'm not. I'm not okay Ethan! He left the world, and he's not suffering but everyone that loved him is. I know he's happy, but I'm fucking miserable. My mom doesn't even understand me! I talked to him about everything. And everyone... everyone thinks they know how I feel but they don't! I'm done with the random pity huge, I'm done with the cards with bible verses on them, I'm just done!" I cried feeling tears fall harder. I didn't wear makeup that day because I'm it in the mood anymore so I know I don't look like a raccoon.
"I'll never know how it feels. I might some day, but I can't empathize. No one in this house can. I want you to be happy. And I will never give you a love someone like that gave you, but I can tell you how much I love you every day I'm alive." He whimpered. I noticed he was crying too. I've never seen him cry before. I pulled his collar towards me and kissed him passionately. He kissed back and he push d my shoulders down to hover over me.
I flipped him over and kissed down his neck, hitting every right spot gaining his moans. I pulled his toe off and undid his blazer, then unbuttoning the buttons of his shirt as fast as I could.
I unzipped my black dress and threw it somewhere across the room. Ethan and I had never "done it" and I was saving until marriage. But I want him now.
"Wait.. I thought you wanted to wait?" He asked backing up. I sighed and pulled him toward me.
"Make me forget." I whisper into his ear and begin to kiss his jaw again. His breath gets quicker, and h slushed me off.
"You don't want to do this. Your just grieving. You don't even know how bad I want to do this, but I want the memory of the first time we do it to be special. And I don't want you to regret it." He said with sadness in his tone. I knew he wasn't lying, because he had sex before with previous girlfriends, and tried multiple times with me. And he knows I want to wait.
"I love you with every ounce of my heart." I said, going to my closet to grab comfy clothes. He watched me dress, and I threw him some comfortable clothes he left here for lazy days.
I crawl into bed with him and kiss his cheek, and he held me close. I closed my eyes and he began to trace designs with his finger tip on my back, soothing me to sleep.
"I love you." He whispered and kisses my forehead.
--------------------
I have the flu I hate my life
