N U M B

8.

8.

Mae's POV

i did research, watched every teen movie, thought of every teen fiction book and i found out Jeremy's game, he wants to take my virginity well that's out the window, i just have to go up to jeremy and tell him. God I'm so scared, I've never spoken up against a person before, but if this will get him to leave me alone then I'll do it.

It's getting cold outside, so i put on my plaid jacket that has a hoodie hood, with a pair of black leggings with a matching black v neck shirt, and i pair it with my low top black converses. I look at myself in the mirror and i almost feel cute.

I go out to my car and make my way towards zanders house.

When i pull up he looks tired, so when he gets in the car I don't harass him for not talking to me since Halloween even though i want too.

We both just sit in silence, he doesn't say anything and neither do i. I look at him and give him a slight smile and he doesn't budge, great, things are back to the way they were before.

Halloween night was incredible, he held me, hold my hand. Smiled at me. Randomly kissed me. Everything our relationship used to be. I wish i could tell him how i feel. But he would just tell me Im being silly and that he is with me because I'm not like the other girls, so unlike other people if i know what the reply is going to be i don't even bother making the statement. I'd rather live in awkward than face confrontation especially whenever i already know what the results would be. I have to float in these waters so I'd rather not rough them up.

We pull up to the school and he gets out before the car is even stopped all the way, once again. He puts miles of distance between us once again.

I make my way to the school, and I see jeremy and sean Ferrell talking to a group of girls, them all prettier than me. A bag of burning dog shit is prettier than me.

They are all smiling and laughing at a joke sean made, it made my heart sink. I wish i could openly be that happy.

I wish i was like other girls, who weren't afraid of showing their body, who dressed cute, who was pretty and that boys liked and admired. I just wish i was good enough, but I've got to swallow this feeling, i am me, and need to be satisfied with that.

Whenever I'm walking to my locker i see the posters on the wall saying LAST FOOTBALL GAME THIS FRIDAY COME OUT AND SUPPORT YOUR WESTVIEW WARRIORS

Thats funny because why would i go to the last game when I've never even gone to a game period.

I used to go in middle school, but that was before 7th grade. When everything changed. I started puberty, i got my first boyfriend, i lost my voice....i lost my mom.

I feel bad a lot, even though i covered those feelings so i could be cleared from therapy. I feel bad because i should've saved my mom. I should've spent more time with her instead of being so focused on myself. I used to just be independent. Since mom was the way she was my whole life basically i had to be my own mom. I did my laundry, i made my own meals, i did my own hair and if i ever needed a shoulder to cry on or advice, i kept that to myself, but i think deep down that the reason i help stacy so much is because i see my mom in her, i just want her to love me like my mother and sister should, but instead I'm just not good enough for her, just like dad was never good enough for mom...