forever ; hyungwonho

08

CHAPTER EIGHT

SUNLIGHT bled over the walls in the bathroom, transforming the cream-coloured tiles into a deep orange.

hoseok sat alone.

every now and then, he'd glance up, catching a glimpse of his reflection in the slightly rusted mirror that was nailed into the wall above the sink. seeing what he looked like now was just frightening to him. shadows cast over his face, causing hoseok to wince at the lifelessness his face held; how the dark, almost purple pigmentation under his eyes, displayed a person he was gradually losing touch with.

pressing a cold, soaked cloth against his blistered feet, hoseok scrunched up his nose at the sting of pain. the swelling had gone down, and thankfully, after washing the blood away, the damage wasn't all too terrible.

hyungwon still remained a secret hidden inside hoseok's head. he could trust kihyun, the younger boy had been a friend for a few years now, but the risks were too high; there was always the chance kihyun wouldn't believe him, that he would only think he had lost his mind and kick him out of his home. he might even dob him in to a guard and get some kind of reward- hoseok didn't think his friend was capable of something like that, but when it was hard to live in that town, sacrifices like that would need to be made to keep breathing.

hoseok had to wait a bit- he didn't know for how long, or what he was even waiting for, but he just kept praying that the guards wouldn't pick up on his trail.

and, to be honest, hoseok didn't even know how long he had left, until the guards would actually find him, kill him, burry him in the ground next to all the other bodies, most likely not even next to hyungwon. frankly, the boy was already struggling with trying to adapt to his new life, so he didn't know how long he could keep going on for.

from now on, he knew he'd have to live everyday without hyungwon. of course the younger was still with him, but it wouldn't be the same- far from it. he couldn't feel hyungwon's warm, soft skin. he couldn't hold him in his arms, falling into a slumber as their steady breathing became one. hoseok felt like his heart was always beating too fast, yet, it never felt full. just empty. drained of all happiness.

he sighed, dropping the cloth and bringing his hands up to cover his face.

"i know you're scared, and this is really difficult and strange but-"

hoseok scoffed, "no shit."

"-i'm right here with you."

slowly removing his hands from his face, and dipping them into the bowl of water, he breathed: "sorry. i know. i-it's just not the same."

when hoseok was done, he splashed his face with the freezing cold water, allowing it to drown out the tiredness and fatigue. dragging his sore feet across the bathroom floor, he sat down, leaning his back against the old bathtub.

"hey," hyungwon sounded like had been thinking for a while.

hoseok looked up, listening carefully for what the younger needed to say.

"isn't kihyun that guy who thought he could dye his hair blue by using blueberries?" hyungwon laughed, making hoseok feel lighter. "i think a patch of his fringe was blue for two weeks."

"three weeks." hoseok smiled.

"i miss seeing that."

"seeing what?"

"your smile," hyungwon paused, and hoseok's smile faltered a little. "it's still one of my favourite things."

"one of them, huh? so there's m-"

the door creaked open.

"hoseok?" kihyun murmured, opening the door wider. his eyes searched around the tiny room until his gaze landed back on hoseok once more, "who were you talking to?"

"uh-" he awkwardly coughed. "myself."

the boy nodded, seemingly to understand hoseok. he took a step forward, looking behind the door- obviously not convinced hoseok was by himself in the room. giving a somewhat forced smile to the still grieving boy, kihyun said dinner was ready and disappeared from the room.

hoseok slowly pulled himself up from the cold ground, looking in the mirror one last time before he left. he raked his fingers through his tangled hair, hearing hyungwon whisper you look beautiful, probably to give him a bit of confidence. he smiled, weakly, and exited the room with hyungwon chatting away inside his head, telling him that dinner would be nice.

it was quiet - even more so than being alone at night in the maze - and hoseok could feel his skin prick with uneasiness.

dinner was fine, just as hyungwon said, but the way kihyun was looking at him, like he was slowly uncovering the mask he tried so hard to keep on, made his stomach twist and his fingers to bounce up and down continuously on the tabletop.

"you miss him, don't you?"

his fingers stopped moving; in fact, hoseok was pretty sure his heart stopped beating for a spilt moment, as well.

he looked down. "i do."

"he's still with you," kihyun said, and hoseok directed his attention back on the male, lips parted in shock. "y'know-" he lifted up a finger, pointing it to hoseok's heart "-somewhere in there."

on prompt, the older boy brought his hand up, hovering it over the fabric that covered his chest. kihyun kept talking more, but hoseok was way too immersed, way too captivated, in the words hyungwon was speaking to him inside his mind. kihyun was right - they both were - the boy was still with him.

and hoseok knew he'd have to accept it would be like that forever.

wishing and hoping for somebody who was already long gone was useless, and probably incredibly pathetic. but later that night, when hoseok was trying to fall asleep on kihyun's bed, with the said boy cuddled up to him, his whole soul could only wish it was hyungwon instead.

one of kihyun's hands glided up and down his back soothingly, which hoseok realized kihyun was trying to calm him down from his sudden burst of emotions.

it wasn't until hyungwon said, "please, don't cry. i'm here. you don't need to worry." that hoseok noticed the intensity of warmth against his cheeks; that the few sniffles was what made kihyun blurt, "hey, hey, it's going to be alright."

hoseok wanted to scream: 'it's never going to be okay again. ever.'

but he didn't.

he couldn't.

so, he closed his eyes, the presence of kihyun's hand never leaving his back, and hyungwon never leaving his thoughts.

goodnight, he wanted to tell hyungwon, just like how he had always done when sleeping next to each other, yet he couldn't say anything with the other right there because he couldn't let him find out. although, as if the deceased boy knew what hoseok desired to voice out loud, he heard hyungwon say: "sleep well, hoseok. i love you just as much."

and with those last words, hoseok felt a part of the emptiness in his heart ignite with the boy's love.