Phan oneshots

I don't trust him

Song: Lost Boy- Ruth B

870 words

Phil's P.O.V (fricking finally)

I lay in bed. I was asleep. Kind of. I always lie awake like this. Every night. Of every day. Of every year. Since 2009. I have to wake up. I have to check he's still there. I have to check that he's lying next to me. He's always there. I just don't trust him. I don't trust myself. Because I love him. He knows I love him. Although I've never said it. I'm afraid to say it. In case he leaves. It would mean nothing to him. But if he left. I don't know what I would do. I would fall back into the black hole of depression. I would cut. I would die. But he's here. Like he always is. He never leaves. But he might. He will I tell myself. Dan will leave and you will die.

When I had just started YouTube, my friend had just died. I didn't know what to do. I was cutting, I wasn't eating, I wasn't communicating. It felt like YouTube was my only escape. That was until one fateful day. I received a message from a guy named Dan Howell. We started talking and we had a lot in common. I felt safe with him. I felt happy with him. But there was this void. This void that I couldn't fill. I couldn't be with dan. We talked everyday and I gradually stopped cutting, started eating and communicating. I have Dan to thank for that. I have Dan to thank for so much.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was in the train station. He had talked for ages while he was coming over. We won't be that excited. We'll just say hi and be cool. That was a lie. We saw each other and ran. The moment he was in my arms, I could feel the void filling. I could feel myself getting happier. I loved him.

We spent the night in my room. We stayed up until 3 am talking and being stupid and excited. That was until tiredness got the best of us and we curled up on my bed. I woke up at 2:34 am. And at 3:57 am. And at 5:01 am. And he was still there. Every single time. I guess thats when it kind of started. Ever since that night I've woken up 2 or 3 times a night. Just checking he's still there. And even though he always is, I know he'll leave. He'll leave like everyone else.

This is the side of me that not even dan gets to see. He doesn't know I wake up this much. And my subscribers. Oh, I love them to bits, every single one of them. But they don't understand. I'm the innocent little pure flower that helped Danny through his depression. They don't know that in fact, he saved me. He stopped me from literally killing myself. But not even he knows that he's what did that.

'Phiw?'

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by Dan's voice. I turn over to face him. God he's so pretty. 'Why are you up it's like 4 am?' he says sleepily, running a hand through my hair. 'I was just making sure you were still here,' I told him. He looked concerned. 'Why would you do that?'

'In case you left. I couldn't take it if one day I woke up and you weren't here.'

Dan smiled a knowing smile. A loving smile. A smile that's saved just for me. Dan pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug. 'I love you so much you know?' he said into my hair. I smiled. 'I can't even express how much you mean to me Phil. I would never leave you. I mean, look at us. You steal my cereal, I make you do all kinds of shit for my channel. I've stuck with you for almost eight years. I don't think I'll leave anytime soon.'

My eyes welled up and I sobbed quietly into dans chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. 'I love you Dan.' I said through tears. I could feel Dan smile and relax noticeably. I said it. For the first time. I told him I loved him. Because I trusted him. 'I want to marry you some day,' I heard him mumble into my head. 'I want to marry you.' I replied laughing slightly, because I do. 'Well then, he started, 'does this count as a proposal?' I pulled away to look at him. Judging by his puffy eyes, he's been crying too. 'If you want it to.' I replied, I sure do. 'Well then consider yourself engaged, Lester.' I leaned in and placed a small, soft kiss on his lips. 'What about rings?' I asked. Dan shrugged 'we'll get some tomorrow.' And a cuddle-filled hour later, we both fell asleep. And I never woke up in the night again. I didn't need to check he's still there. Because I trust him. And he trusts me. He will always be my best friend, and husband.

I love Daniel James Lester.