Moments

No Small Confession

Author's Note: Breaking out of script format again. This moment called for it.

***

There are quick kisses, slow kisses, and kisses that make Even giddy. There are brief kisses, long kisses, and kisses that make him forget that oxygen is a thing his body needs. There are kisses that make his mind numb, and kisses that set his skin on fire. There are kisses that end sentences, and kisses that contain paragraphs. Songs. Entire albums.

And then there are these.

Isak is desperate tonight. It's late, the air is chilled with the onset of winter, and Even's boyfriend - God, his boyfriend - is all over him.

He loves when Isak gets like this. Loves when Isak needs him so much, he can't seem to catch his breath. Loves the way Isak's skin glows with his pleasure. Loves the sounds Isak makes, like he's surprised every time they touch, skin to skin.

Even just loves Isak. He loves Isak so much, and sometimes it's almost too much.

He thinks, maybe, that's what triggered his last episode. Not that he would ever tell Isak that. God, no. But he'd done a little research in their week apart and learned that falling in love, the euphoria that it can create, can be a trigger for someone like him.

Someone like him.

Someone like him.

"Hey," Isak's voice is soft, but hoarse with desire. "Where'd you go?"

"I'm here." Even takes Isak's face in his hands, presses his lips to his boyfriend's warm, reddened mouth. Maybe he should have shaved before attacking him, the boy is practically stubble-burned.

Isak doesn't fall back under the spell they'd cast, though. Instead, he eases back, studying Even. He's getting too good at that, at seeing him. Knowing when everything isn't copacetic.

"I lost you for a moment, there. Everything okay?"

There's so much concern in Isak's face, and voice, that a spark of anger ignites in Even's chest. Not at Isak, but at himself. Okay has become their code word for 'are you about to lose your shit on me?'

Of course, Isak would deny that, but Even knows the kid is scared and confused and trying his best not to be.

Even takes a moment to study Isak, turning the tables. He's strong, his boy. And sweet, though he tries hard to hide it. He's smart too, brilliant at times, and incredibly resourceful.

"I was just thinking," Even hedges.

Isak runs his fingers through Even's hair.

He loves when he does that.

"About?"

"You."

And there's the blush. Whatever parcel of skin on Isak's body that wasn't already red from Even's attention is now the shade of a maraschino cherry. This is about the time that Isak would crack a joke, or push him away to hide his embarrassment. He doesn't. He just waits and watches.

"I want to tell you something, and I don't want you to...freak out, or think that I'm asking for something from you. I'm not. I just...I need to tell you..."

Isak's eyelids flutter. "You're scaring me."

God, his eyes are so big and beautiful, the thick, long lashes almost a sin. Even kisses him, it's a quick one, meant to reassure him that everything is just fine, but Isak grabs him and pulls him in tight.

He presses their foreheads together. They share breath this way, and this is perfect. It's perfect for this moment.

"I'm ready now," Isak whispers. "Go ahead."

So strong.

Even shares another breath with the boy that's somehow become his axis, and then he says it. Now or never.

"I love you. I'm in love with you."

He doesn't miss the sharp intake of breath from the other side. Even's own lungs constrict, as if the breath had been stolen from him. But he doesn't want to give Isak enough time to respond.

"Don't say anything, not yet," he implores. "I'm not telling you this so that you say it back. To be honest, I don't need you to say it. Not ever. I just need you to know how I feel about you."

Even takes a deep breath and leans back a little to meet Isak's eyes. He has to stifle a laugh because his boyfriend looks like he's about to cry and scream and laugh all at the same time.

"Still with me?"

Isak nods, and Even smoothes a hand down his arm. Isak visibily calms and, holy fuck, how amazing is that? That he can affect him like this?

"Cool, so...as I was saying, I just needed to tell you. I don't know the future, as you so correctly pointed out not very long ago. We're still young, this is very new and all, but..." This is where oxygen is necessary. Even takes a deep breath.

"But?" Oh, but Isak sounds so very small. No no no no no.

Even kisses him again, softly this time, rubbing his nose against Isak's because he can't not do that anymore.

"But I...whatever form we take, you will always be important to me. I don't ever want there to be a time in my life when you're not a part of it. I want always to be able to call you, or see you occasionally..."

Isak pulls back. "Why are you talking like it's over? You just said...what you said, and now you're, what? Taking it back? Predicting the future again?"

And now Isak is angry. Way to ruin a moment, Even. But this is okay, this is good. He can work with this.

"Fuck, no. Just listen to what I am saying, okay?"

"Start making sense," Isak demands. "Fast."

Even has to laugh at that. "Okay."

Isak allows him to pull him back down into his embrace, but Even can feel how tense he is.

"I'm just trying to say I'm happy I met you, that's all. And...I hope we'll always have each other, in some capacity or another. That's all."

"Okay."

Hmm, that is much less than Even expected, but Isak likes to run things through his head sometimes. Even knows that much about him, so he waits and contents himself with mapping the constellations on Isak's skin with his fingertips.

"Have you been in love before?"

Even had been sort of expecting that question to come up, so he's prepared.

"Yes, but not like this."

"Like what?"

If it were anyone else, Even would think he was fishing, but this is Isak. All of this is so new to him.

"I told you I've never felt anything quite like this, not ever. But yes, I suppose I was in love before, to some degree. Or at least infatuated." He kisses the top of Isak's head. "What about you? Have you ever been in love?"

He doesn't dare add the before qualifier. Yeah, he's pretty sure Isak is in love with him, but Isak may not know, or may not be ready to go there.

Isak shrugs, shaking them both. "I had a crush on someone once, maybe it was love. I have no idea. But...I get what you're saying about this, us, being different."

"Yeah?" Even can't keep the smile out of his voice.

"I hope I always know you too." Isak tilts his head up to meet Even's gaze, and there goes the rest of the oxygen in the room.

Holy fuck. It's there, right there in Isak's forest green eyes. Jesus...

There are sloppy kisses, Eskimo kisses, and kisses that make Even stupid. There are peppered kisses, smushy kisses, and kisses that make him forget that there was ever a time before Isak was in his life. There are kisses that make his blood sizzle, and kisses that make his heart ache. There are kisses that form sentences, and kisses that recite paragraphs. Sacred verses. Entire sonnets.

And then there's this one.