For once I had gotten a day off and the house to myself, Eli was still at school.
I hadn't gotten up from my spot on the couch, or changed out my pajamas, or even ate. I had just been sleeping mostly, trying to give my entire body and soul some well deserved rest. I don't remember the last time I slept for a consecutive five hours with no interruptions.
I decide that it's probably best to get up and at least fill my stomach with something considering the amount of pain killers I've been taking on an empty stomach.
I'm quick to make myself something super convenient, a microwaveable meal. It was easy and I was lazy. As I wait for it to warm up, I grab my phone, reading my last text message from Samantha.
Samantha: theres a bonfire tonite, wanna come w me?
I reply with a yes, ignoring the fact that Niall instantly comes to mind. Was he going to be there? Possibly. Why am I concerned of his attendance?
Ever since the other night, I couldn't imagine me ever looking at him the same. I feel like he knew something I was trying to hide.
It's like he knows me but brushes everything off, I swear he can hear my thoughts, which is weird because we're barely getting to know each other. We are at the first stage of friendship. Yet it feels like he can read me like a book. Or maybe I'm just overanalyzing him. Maybe I just get intimidated under his intense stare and just assume he has a clue but in reality, he doesn't.
Something about that makes me incredibly happy but also very disappointed, and I don't exactly have the energy to figure out why.
-
I look through the rearview mirror as I hear the door shut, Eli's head popping up as he jumps into the backseat. His eyes meeting mine. A small tired smile on his face. He looked like my father before the alcohol.
"How was school?" I ask him as I drive off, I turn my attention back to the road, Eli doesn't respond at his quick usual rate and I look back at him again.
"It was good, I have a project I have to do." He says, his head turnt towards his window, not meeting my stare. I chose to not question him, I have to start remembering that he was a boy and eventually he'll get annoyed with my 'parenting skills'.
"Big project? Do you need any supplies?" I ask, ever since the ice cream 'play date', he's been giving me such short answers. He promises me that it's nothing but I know something is up. I'm trying to be a better guardian to him, I think I need to loosen the reigns on our relationship.
"No, I just have write a story... it's a report." He says and I nod. Seems like the most he's said to me.
"That's cool, what is it about?" I ask him.
He doesn't respond. I look back into the rearview mirror and see him already staring at me.
"I don't know yet." He says and I nod.
"Well let me know if you need help or supplies." I tell him and he nods, I can still feel his eyes on me through the mirror and I finally break, my sister role instantly diminishing and turning into parental mode.
"What's wrong Eli? Did I do something?" I had a hunch of what it could be about, but I was praying that it had nothing to do with it.
Eli looks away, leaning his head against the seat.
"It's nothi-"
"Stop with that, just tell me what's wrong." I tell him, getting fed up with his little antics. What happened to my little brother that came to me for everything? Where'd he go?
"Your a big fat liar." Eli finally says and I look at him through the mirror and I can see it on his face that he's upset, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips in a tight line, almost a frown.
"No I'm not." I defend myself and Eli groans.
"You told Niall you box, didn't you? But you don't! Your a liar!" Eli says and huffs, turning his head back towards his window and I don't know how to react.
Do I yell or confess?
"Eli, first of all-"
"You don't think your pretty, but you are!" Eli continues and my eyebrows furrow, thankfully were close to the house because I don't think I can continue to drive with my 8 year old brother yelling truths at me without breaking down crying.
"Eli, let me talk-"
"Why can't people know dad hits you? Maybe Niall can help-"
"Eli, enough." I stop the car, turning around in my seat to face him. I'm sure my face was red, tears pooling at my lids.
"No one needs to know what dad does okay?" I tell him through gritted teeth and I've never felt my heart shatter so fast. Eli covers his face with his hands, muffling his crying.
"Your going to end up just like dad." Eli cries, shaking his head as he looks back at me and I gulp. That hurts.
"I'm nothing like him." I try and say as clearly as possible, convincing both Eli and myself.
"Dad is alone, your alone. Dad lies, you lie. You guys are the same." Eli says and I huff turning back around in my seat, it's my turn to cover my face, I never wanted Eli to compare me to our deadbeat of a father but that's all he sees now, and I hate it.
"Eli, I can't tell anybody." I cry, shaking my head in my hands.
"I can't." I continue to cry, Eli's movements going unnoticed until I feel his hand on my shoulder, I lift my head to face him and I see him sitting on the center console, his face red and tear stained. I don't waste another second as I pull him into my chest, our cries joining seamlessly.
"I can't Eli, it's a secret okay?" I mumble on his shoulder and I feel him nod against my shirt.
"I'm sorry, Nellie." He tells me and I don't exactly know what he's apologizing for. Maybe he's sorry for me, I'd be sorry for me. I don't say anything in response, only clutching him tighter.
I can get us out of that hell hole, I can do it.
