Marks

1.2

From what I can remember I've never been outgoing or even slightly eager to be in the limelight. I've gotten close one or two times with the occasional slip up though.  And by slip up I mean actual slip-and-throw-your-lunch-food-all-over-some-random-kid-up.

Being a clutz by nature never really works out, I'm more likely to have the ball hurtling towards my face compared to the actual goal. The amount of times I end up on the floor due to random trips on air is record breaking. I guess my life just branched out from there, a bunch of failures one after another.

My Mums always said to keep my head up and laugh in the face of failure. She wouldn't ever understand though, she found Dad when they were new to the concept of love themselves. Dad was Mums third mark whereas Mum was Dad's first.

It was cute how he fell head-over-heals in love with her so quickly, yet she still took a few months convincing. Apparently his 'wooing' paid off.

They don't know I'm a markless, they just think I'm more reserved towards my feelings. That on one hand is true. I don't know why I'm a markless and neither do I want to be. It's a reminder that I don't understand or have the capability to love someone, no one that I've cared for just that little bit more than average.

One of the main factors that I believe this is that I'm scared. Scared that I'm going to one day wake up with a mark reminding me that I have no control over my feelings anymore. I've given my feelings willingly into unknown territory.

Fear drove me mad, someways in the fear of me being alone and others with my feelings being rejected.

So I kept to the outside, I refused to fall any deeper into this all consuming feeling. Purposely making myself invisible wasn't that hard; I sat at the back of the class, didn't make any new friends, didn't even approach attractive new people and that's hard.

I blended right into the background, away from everything that could harm me. I kept falling deeper and deeper. It sucked the life out of me and replaced all my thoughts. I didn't know what was wrong with me, what is still wrong with me today.

I wasn't happy, I was scared. I feared this, I feared me. I didn't like the unknown. I needed to face it head on, no chains holding me back. Full throttle off a cliff, bungee jumping off a bridge. That is what people said it's like, falling without support.

Some people might find me closed off and cold but I wanted that. It protected me. But now I'm too protected, too unaware. I've spent my life worrying about something that's meant to bring me joy, and I've managed to single handedly throw my chances of gaining that happiness.

My bare wrists are the only proof I need.

- - -

My favourite thing about England in March is the weather. One day it would be sunny, the next the heavens opened and released torrential downpour upon us. Today was one of those special in between days. The sun was high up in the sky but still the world was grey. Clouds blocked our view and isolated us from warmth, leaving the air around us bitter.

Pulling my coat closer to me as I walked towards my flat, my new flat. I guess I can't exactly call it my flat, sharing with complete strangers was going to be... Fun?

Even though I tried it out in Uni I knew I didn't like living alone, it's always freaked me out to be honest. The creaking of the floorboards in the night or the odd noise that would send me into paranoid idiot mode.

I found my salvation in strangers, and I hope to do that from now on. There is only four of us this time though. I don't even know their genders only the fact that they are all graduates. Because who else would want to live with broke idiots living off of take out and coffee.

Now that I think about it, that's probably the best self description I could give myself...

- - - -

Yeah I know it's a short chapter but it's mainly a filler :)

:) xo