What Now?

Nightmares

The car ride back to Mila's house had been uncomfortable and silent. Yuri watched the world pass him in a blur, never paying full attention to the landscape before him as it was whisked away within seconds. It had been about half an hour when Mila broke the silence.

She cleared her throat before proceeding cautiously "Yuri, what happened?" Yuri refused to turn to face her but she deserved an answer, as much as providing one would hurt. He signed, warm breath fogged up the window he was staring absent-mindedly through.

"It's a little personal and raw at the moment to talk about it. But I guess you could say that I hurt someone... someone that I care about a lot." There was an uncomfortable air as his comment hung heavily between them before Mila responded.

"Ok... I'm sorry that I pressured you Yuri. But hey, look on the bright side. We're here." She smiled warmly as they pulled into the driveway. She guided Yuri to the door, fatigue weighing down his body. As they passed into the threshold the warmth of the small house enveloped them, Yuri was grateful to finally be somewhere warm after several hours in the Russian winter air.

"I'll get you a blanket for the couch, I don't have anywhere else for you to sleep unfortunately. But the shower is down the hall to the right, fresh towels are on the bench, take as long as you need. I'll put some of my brother's old clothes that he left here out for you." Yuri nodded slowly in appreciation. On any other occasion he would have thanked her profusely and apologised until the sun peeked above the horizon but he was so emotionally and physically spent it was all he could manage to keep upright.

As he made his way into the bathroom, Mila called down the hall one final time "If you need anything just knock on my door, but I'll probably be asleep before you get out."

When he stepped into the shower, Yuri only turned on the hot tap, steam billowing from the water immediately. Stepping under the boiling water made Yuri wince as it made contact with his frigid skin but he liked it. Ever since he had left the apartment every moment away from Victor had felt so cold. Not just from the air outside but the lack of physical contact was taking its toll. So Yuri stood for as long as his body could stand, enjoying the burning sensation as fingers of burning water trailed along his skin. Almost a substitute for the warmth Victor had provided him with, but not quite.

When he was as close to satisfied as he could get, Yuri turned off the water and dried himself off. He dressed in the baggy clothing and looked at himself in the mirror. The first thing he noticed was how the roomy shirt reminded him of when he had worn one of Victor's sweaters, it had been several sizes too big but Yuri had loved how it smelled just like Victor. Why does everything have to remind me of him?

Then he noticed how horrible he looked. His cheeks hollow, his skin ashen and sunken, devoid of any glow. His wet hair hung limply around his face, as if framing his sorrow. His eyes were weary but he saw that they were still red and puffy. Everything about the way he looked screamed for someone to save him.

He also noticed the absence of his ring...

He brushed a stray hair away from his face, then proceeded to push his hair back as he had done, many a time –usually Victor did it- for competitions. He smiled slightly as pleasant memories of his previous season filled his mind. How happy he had been, how happy they had been. Victor's absence was not something that would go unnoticed, Yuri was struggling to function and it had only been a couple of hours.

It will get easier, Yuri.

Yuri repeated that to himself over and over like a mantra as he made his way to the couch in the dark. As he slipped into the makeshift bed his mind and body battled for supremacy. His body was so spent that he could barely keep his eyes open, but his mind was still rampant and alert. Eventually his mind gave out and he fell into uneasy unconsciousness.