Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune
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I'm always fuckin' scared to talk to people
I can't help but overthink every scenario and end up just giving up on it, out of some kind of fear of possible rejection or being made fun of.
I would go up to the front of the class to present some bullshit and my legs wouldn't stop shaking and in turn I'd get made fun of for it.
So not only does anxiety cause me stress inside,
It is also the cause of certain outcome that fuck my shit up too.
And then they end up stackin' on top of each other so in turn, after I get made fun of for shaking my legs I start tearing up at the eyes trying my best, to keep at least a fraction of self control.
And then I hear the roaring laughter of the classroom
Witnessing how fuckin' weird and pathetic I am.
So then I start bawling my eyes out and my teachers never knew to fuckin' do expect stare at me in confusion. 'Cause I guess they were clueless as to what the fuck anxiety does to people.
So, yeah, it would create a horrible situation in and of itself because it can.
Like why can't I just be born with a normal brain and a normal body and a normal face.
I can't help but mindlessly envy others, as they revel in their lives, fullheartedly cakewalkin' through their days, executing every action with ease. While every wakin' moment for me is a potential opportunity for my brain to shut off, forcing me not to know what the fuck to do or say.
I won't even mention my low-esteem because that's another topic. But, yeah, it doesn't fuckin' help that I feel like a pile of vomit everyday, with dry skin and dandruff, and glasses, and a shriveled up skeleton of a body. Not to mention the goddamn breeding ground of pimples all over my fuckin' face!
It's not enough that those alone are more than capable of making my life absolute garbage.
Like, the problems are ever more amassing on top of another and I'm becoming ridiculously overwhelmed.
And there is basically no one to help me out 'cause I'm too frightened to socialize with anyone of my own species for some insensed reason!
Every morning, as I was preparing to go to school or work, I would be met with a wave of relentless mental pressure, like-- I don't want to do this!
I'd beg to stay home and call in sick for work, just to fee the relief from anxiety.
It's not like I can just go to the Doctors for this, I live in fuckin' America where health insurance is for those who already have a plethora of expendable income, and if I ever came to my parents for this they'd slap the shit out of me, thinking I was being a selfish piece of shit that was just suffering solely from teenage angst.
I was searching up and down, everywhere for solutions like, I would go on YouTube and type: "How to talk to people", or "How to be funny", or "How to overcome anxiety", or "How to keep myself from receiving heart attacks every time someone makes eye contact with me".
And every fuckin' video was the same, giving some common sense and bullshit I already know, or even things that didn't even slightly work the way it was described.
Like, "Smile more!"
Bitch, I'll smile when I'm happy and I'm not too happy every time someone thinks I'm stalking them any given second thy see me smiling sat them, not to mention that I didn't even know how to correctly smile because I have an overbite and yellow teeth.
Yeah, I'm sure people want to see an oaf with a disgusting mouth smiling at them.
And they'd also say: "The power of touch says a lot more than words could ever do!"
Maybe, if I wasn't scared for my life of being accused for rape every time a fiver of my skin comes in contact with someone else. I'd be more than happy to hold hands or brush shoulders or playfully kick "a friend". Too bad anytime I slightly touch someone I was replied with an "Ew!"
So as it turns out, no.
Any help I searched or asked for met me with a warm welcome to disappointment.
I guess they just didn't work for someone like me because my case was too severe or whatever.
Feeling this hopeless is something that I wouldn't wish on any other human being because the only outcomes seemed to be, getting over it or being swallowed by it, and succumbing to a life of dissonance and sorrow and that can only lead to erratic behavior.
But listen, it is not permanent.
By any stretch of the meaning.
Whether you're a little scared to talk to someone you like, or you receive a mental breakdown in every single social interaction you face, you--
Yeah, you, are more than capable of overcoming it!
And, yeah, there are probably a handful of you that require some sort of medication before you can even fathom such a feat but, please hang in there!
I know it feels like you're eternally gonna eternally stay victim to your mental deficiencies and be a hermit who deserves no social interaction, but that's just not true.
You're a goddamn human being who has the indisputable requisite to ease of mind.
Just like everybody else and you will attain it, I know you can do it.
If you want to know how I did it, I just bit the bullet and start talking to people.
Obviously I was awkward and clumsy and stiff and sometimes even rude without meaning to be.
I was a fuckin' baby learning how to walk.
But you know how babies learn how to walk?
I could tel you it's not by asking others how to do it, or watching YouTube videos about it, or reading it out of books.
There is absolutely no mindset or specific action, or ritual, that will make it easy for you.
It is going to be really fucking difficult at first.
And the only thing you can do, is fucking take the walk.
And with time, you'll find that there is an entirely different side of the world, filled with awesome and beautiful people and things for you to experience.
All you have to do, is to step towards it.
