abandoning april

four

I'm not sure if I can do this anymore, April.

Pretend that everything is fine, and that I don't miss you, when I really do.

People at school have stopped talking about you.

Now they're talking about how Marissa Kale slept with the math teacher, in order to get a passing grade.

I think it's just a rumor. You should see her eyes, she never looks up anymore. She's turned really shy, too. You know how she would always shout out in class? She never does that anymore. In fact, she doesn't even raise her hand. If the teacher does call on her randomly, her voice is so quiet, it's hard to hear

her when you're sat right next to her.

That's all high school is though, isn't it? Rumors? That's what'd you always say. That we base everything off of sketchily written notes found on the bathroom walls and hallway floors. You were right, to be honest. You usually were.

Spero is doing fine, April. She's getting old, but it's okay. She misses you, like I keep saying. I don't know how to emphasize it enough that we need you.

I found your razors.

They were in a hollowed-out board on the bottom of your bed.

There were six of them.

You know all of that though.

What you don't know, however, is that I took them home with me, April. I wanted to make sure that you couldn't use them if you came back.

If.

You also don't know that I used them.

I couldn't help it.

I hate myself so much, April. It's my fault that you're dead, isn't it?

I don't really like admitting it, but I know it's true. You're dead, April, and no amount of denial can bring you back.

I did exactly twenty-three cuts, April.

They aren't as deep as your's were, not by a long shot.

And they didn't really hurt.

But I felt like I deserved it anyways.

I should be trying to get over you.

But how do you just get over your best friend of fifteen years?

You don't.

And that is why, April, I'm writing to you.

Because, once I throw these dreadful letters away, I can have closure.

I'll have my closure.

I'll abandon the thoughts of having you come back.

I'll abandon you, April.

Just like you did to me.