It was already two hours later. Suzy did sleep, however she lied about it. When her mum came into her room she found her, while sleeping. She woke up her daughter, who seemed to be so cute and little like this, because it was time for dinner. Slowly Suzy raised. She worried if she had put away her diary and looked some confused into her room. Then her mother started talking. “Hey, sleeping beauty.” Suzy looked up. “It’s time for dinner, sweetheart,” her mother said. “Oh,” Suzy replied. “Is it already that time?” Her mother nodded. “Yes, dear. You’ve slept for 2 hours!” Suzy smiled a bit shy. ‘No,’ she thought. ‘No, I actually didn’t sleep all the time. I also wrote in my diary. But you don’t have to know, mum. You don’t have to worry.’ Her mum looked into her eyes. “Is everything alright there?” Suzy nodded. “Yes, mum. I’ll come downstairs in a minute.” For another second Kelly looked in Suzy’s eyes, trying to find the answer out there. Then she turned around and walked away. “Okay,” she answered and she disappeared. Suzy took a deep breath. What was she going to do? She couldn’t skip dinner. But if she would eat, she would become more fat. And that was something she wanted to avoid. And also she was kind of afraid that if she would go to dinner, she couldn’t stop eating because she was so hungry. She had to make a decision. She couldn’t stay at her room too long, because she had told her mum that she would come in a minute. The minute was already over, now. Slowly she stood up. She was so tired, so dizzy, she almost felt back in her bed again. ‘Okay, stay now,’ she told herself. She decided to go to dinner, to act like there wasn’t anything and just ate a bit. And ate slowly, so that she would be done at the same time as her mother. Who would have a normal meal. She also decided to run of the stairs some ten times, because she could burn those calories away. After the dinner. If she would have enough energy. ‘No, I just need to do it. No excuses.’ And she walked downstairs. She had to be strong.
Her mother Kelly already sat at the table. “Hey, there you are. Are you still a bit tired or what?” Suzy nodded. “Yes, indeed.” She grabbed a chair and sat down as slowly as possible. The longer she stayed, the better it was. Because if you stay you burn more than when you sit down. Kelly looked a bit strange at her. “Are you alright?” she asked. “Yes, yes.” Suzy put herself some of the food on her plate, just as her mother did as well. She smiled. “Have a good meal,” she said. “You too,” her mother answered.
‘Oh no,’ Suzy thought. ‘There are the annoying voices again!’ With every bite she took there was a voice who said that she was doing wrong. ‘Stop eating, you fat pig!’ she heard. ‘No, no, just go on! You need to have food, you know. Otherwise you’ll fall down again! You don’t want that, right?’ the other voice said. ‘What a stupid excuse. You just stop eating after this bite!’ Suzy took another. ‘What are you doing?! You shouldn’t take another, I just told you!’ the voice said. ‘She cannot stop eating while her plate is not empty yet! That will look weird to her mum.’ Suzy heard the other voice laughing. ‘You are such a honest girl. Didn’t you ever heard of lying?’ Suzy shook her head. ‘I don’t want to lie to my mother,’ she said. She hated the voices. She even couldn’t eat normal! She saw her mum was looking at her. Her mother must knew that something wasn’t going as normal. But Suzy couldn’t tell her. She was too scared. For what? She didn’t know. Maybe for the voices in her head, maybe for what her mum would think of her, maybe for another reason…But this couldn’t go on like this, she was already tired now! How long was this going to take? ‘Well, done eating?’ she heard the voice saying. Suzy looked hesitating at her plate. It was almost empty. ‘Come on,’ she thought. ‘Just two weeks ago you could eat normal too! Why not now?’ But she knew it was different. Just two weeks ago her father was still alive, just two weeks ago she didn’t feel the way she was feeling now, just two weeks ago everything was normal and okay. And now, after two weeks, everything was different. She looked at her plate, and looked up again. She looked back to her plate, and up again. ‘This must look weird, stop it,’ she thought. One more time she looked at her plate, and to her mum. Her mum Kelly wasn’t looking at her, luckily. Suzy decided to eat everything what was left on her plate now, but that she wouldn’t have a dessert. And she only would drink water from now on. Water didn’t contain any calories, that was her reason. It didn’t matter her if it tasted well or not, she just decided what she thought was the best to do for loosing kilos. Didn’t it work one way, then it had to go by another. She smiled a bit uncomfortably to her mum and put her plate away. Then she grabbed to her glass, which was filled with water and drank from it. “Well, you cooked a very nice dinner!” Suzy lied. “Thank you, darling,” her mother replied. “Do you want a dessert?” Suzy shook her head. “Oh no, thank you so much. I’m completely full right now!” she lied again. She felt she was still hungry but tried to ignore it as much as possible. “Okay…” Suzy saw her mother looking strangely at her. Kelly looked like she didn’t know what to do at all. Her daughter…changed. She was a different girl than she was before. Of course, her father died, that must have been very hard for everyone, but still. Something was wrong, Kelly noticed. But she didn’t know what… “Shall I help you putting everything away from the table?” Suzy asked friendly. It was moving, way better than sitting on a chair, she thought. “Yes, please,” her mum answered. “Kind of you!” Suzy smiled, but with a different smile than that friendly, childlike smile. Suzy must have grown up, Kelly thought. She has left her ‘being child’ phase. It was the only reason Kelly could think of.
When the table was empty, Suzy felt dizzy still. ‘This isn’t possible,’ she thought. ‘I had a meal just a view minutes ago! How can I be dizzy?’ She said to her mum that she wanted to go to bed early. “I’m still tired, mum,” she told her. Her mother nodded. “I understand. Go to bed now, darling. I’ll come upstairs in a couple of minutes.” Suzy nodded slowly and went upstairs. ‘Start running, you! Up and down, up and down,’ she heard. ‘Not the voices again!’ she thought. ‘Hey, you promised to do so. So, start running!’ Suzy sighed. She ran up the stairs and went down again. ‘Doesn’t this make too much noise?’ she thought. ‘One more time, girl!’ the voice said to her. ‘Okay…’ Suzy said to the voice. After the ten times up and down, she went to the bathroom. Her mother could come upstairs any time. She brushed her teeth and did her hair quickly. Then she moved on to bed. From her bed she grabbed her pyjama. When she took off her clothes, she saw her belly. ‘It’s so fat…’ she thought. ‘I don’t want to see it. Go away, you fat thing!’ She pulled on her pyjama quickly. She must remove all the fat at her belly. When she was just in bed, her mother came upstairs. Suzy sighed. ‘That was just in time!’ she thought. She did as if she was very tired, which she also was a bit of course. But more dizzy and hungry than tired. “Goodnight, sweetheart,” Kelly said and gave Suzy a kiss for the night. “Goodnight, mum,” Suzy whispered. But when her mother went away and Suzy was to be sure she wouldn’t come back soon, she grabbed her diary and a pen. ‘I just have to write in it, I just have to make it clear for myself now!’ She turned on her light and started writing. But with already the first sentence, she couldn’t write anymore, however much she wanted to. She felt dizzy and couldn’t move her fingers separately. A tear rolled down her face and fell on her diary. But Suzy was too dizzy to see it. A bit clumsy she put her diary away, but just as she was to lay back into her bed, everything became black. The last thing she thought was; ‘Again.’
