Belle's Need Love Too

Chapter 4

  When my eyeliner was etched in so perfectly that you couldn't see the fleshy pinkness on the insides of my eyelids  -and only then- did I pourpose it in my mind to commense the walk of shame to my class. I did a final once over of myself in the dingy, cracked mirror dotted with what on a person would be liver spots of aging. As far as my level of mental stability, i was looking pretty muched like the split second before a science fair project erupts.My hair was perfectly in place, my outfit was feminine as ever, but my eyes were a tell. Not quite all was well with my soul.

   I tried to distract myslef of my own mental state. I glanced around to see many hues of yellow tiles, bearing no particular pattern. However, they all became a blur as I pushed them into my peripheral vision, holding my head high as I meekly paced -my confidence now sightly unrecovered- to the grimy door of olden wood. I stretched my hand towards the currently rusty doorknob, and persisted to twist it. Left, then right, then left again. It was as though I was subconciously resisting the lonely walk of shame I was certain to face immediately.

  I took a deep breath, but it instead came out sounding like I always assumed the tired share croppers who were my ancestors, would make. It was by their strifes, that I afforded all of my glory,I thought.

   With that in mind, I mustered up the strength to turn the handle of the tetanus ridden doorknob, hunch my backpack upwards, and finally get the wretched thing open. I, figured out that you must twist and pull at the same time. Upon doing so, I released another tragic, probably melodramatic, sigh of anquish laced with defeat and sorrow. At the current time, my whole being wanted no more than to sit in the middle of the granite stone, mosaic floor, and cry hot fresh tears. The type which fall out of desperation, usually with harsh, yet silent, hysterical sobs.  As humiliating as it is to let loose those spontaneous public tears, I wanted so bady for my body to produce those quickly, then reboot to my usual, gaurded person.

   I looked both ways down the seeming ghost town of a hallway. Down the right quadrant, both ways, no one lurked in the dim dark walled corridor leading to the cafeteria. Neither down the left quadrant on either side on the way into the boys gymnasium. As I affirmed that the coast was indeed clear, I stood very tall against the beige with age walls, I began my slow, upright decent . My form snaked down the beige, smooth drywall , to the schlacked over brick chair rail, until the rough bricks dragged themselves down my back in a slightly painful fashion.  This sensation followed me until my butt was nearly in contact with the cold, painstakingly solid floor.

   Inwardly, I was filled with an emotion nearing delight, for the sickening release awaiting my being. I'm sure the expression on my face was closely coupled with insanity. I resisted the urge to cackle when the first hot, fresh tear made a trail down my bare right cheek. Then the next tear rolled int such a quick pace, that I was sure it though I was going to shove it back in my eye. I squinted forcing more tears to sputter, and resisted them urge to scream in satisfaction like tortured soul. However, the only restraint left in me prevented me from having my true emotional release. With a quick, disatisfied sigh I struggled to gather my pathetic being from the dusty floor. I smeared my  caramel toned, teary cheeks dry and dusted off my tall, shapely figure.

  The instant I erected myself, reality struck.

   I was surely late for my class. A report of the mornings incident would certainly go unfiled if I knew anything about this crooked school system's love of thier best football player, over its main heir and future sole proprietor. I will never understand Louisiana, but I won't complain. They can thrash my reputation,  even still ignore the fact that less twenty years prior Jim Crow Laws were abolished, but they can't take away my dignity. Ironically, the one black man they love, is the one black man who just so happens to be what they feared.