I Know in My Heart It's Not You

But Now I Know What I Want

She was at the show.

After reuniting with him a year since they've last met up with each other. After jumping into his arms while she rejoiced how great it was to be seeing him again. After spending most of the morning by his side and comforting him when he told her something personal. After taking him onto the bus to cheer him up with a new song of hers. After she practically hypnotized him with her voice and guitar. After meeting his lips and wrapping her arms around his neck, making him unable to think straight. After bringing the kiss to an end and telling him to leave without explaining why. After using a song to give him the message that she hated herself for feeling the way she felt. After telling him that she couldn't do it.

After all that, Hayley still showed up and Oli had tried his hardest not to look in her direction again. He'd rather fall off the stage and have nobody catch him than see her standing on the side of the stage watching him perform.

He wondered why she had bothered to make the effort to come when they both knew they couldn't look at each other the same way anymore. And yet, she always kept her promises and a year ago she had promised him she'd always be watching his set. No matter how distressed she was, she stayed true to her word and all Oli could think was how he probably wouldn't have been able to do the same thing. That thought made him feel even worse. This was way too much for him to handle in one day.

Before he was aware of her presence, he thought he was okay. At least, that's what he kept telling himself. He convinced himself to agree with Hayley's reasons, even going so far to make some sort of mantra in his mind.

Things are better this way, he repeated silently. For the sake of the band. Things are better this way.

Keeping that in mind, he was going to make this show the best show that the fans would never forget. With the microphone in his hands, he put all his energy into his performance. His growls and screams ranged farther than ever and the crowd was enjoying it. This got him excited as well and once the first song was finished, he felt like he was weightless.

Then he turned his head and saw her. And just like that, he was once again pulled into a downward spiral.

She wasn't as bubbly and giddy like she always was during his shows. There was no dancing or headbanging. Hayley just stood there, her whole body like a statue. Her arms were crossed and her expression was blank, those green eyes of her completely unreadable. Even with her like this, he was the most distracted he'd ever been. He avoided making eye contact with her and fought the urge to turn his head toward her.

"I will not let her get to me," Oli said to himself through clenched teeth.

He took a deep breath and was once again moving around the stage and back to giving all his attention to the audience. He had to let her know-let himself know-that he was okay and nothing could stop him from giving the crowd what they came for. Even though it hurt like no other for him to know that she didn't want to be with him, that mostly motivated him to put on the best fucking show ever. He had to stop thinking about her and just move on. He had to let her go. This was his way of giving her the message and letting her know.

Things are better this way.

After finishing the last song, the crowd went wild. If everyone had to agree on something, they'd all agree that the show was definitely worth it and Oli raised his hands in the air as they all chanted the band's name. Without thinking, he turned his head to the left again where she was, only to find that nobody was standing there anymore. He couldn't help but frown. For some reason, he had wanted her to be there with her arms still crossed, only a smile would be on her face. A smile that said she wasn't going to go anywhere anytime soon. Looking at the empty space where she once stood as the crowd began to disperse, he lowered his arms and dropped the mic.