No Love In The Game, No Trust In The Game!

Chapter 1

"WELL YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE THEN BITCH!" My mother screamed as she slammed the door in my face. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The day everything changed. It was my 19th birthday and also the day of my graduation which I was gonna be late for considering the fact that my drunk ass mama wanted to start a fight with me. She was mad because she needed money for drugs and I refused to do what I usually did for her. I just didn't wanna do it anymore. The first time was when I was about 10 years old. Mama was gone all night as usual and me and Tamera were home watching cartoons as I was brushing her hair. She was such a good baby. I remember her being smaller than my baby dolls, mama said it's because she came too early. Probably because of all that crack she was doing while she was pregnant with her, but for a crack baby she was pretty calm . She made it easy for a clueless naive 10 year old to take care of her. I didn't mind taking care of her though, I was just happy I wasn't alone anymore. Before mama had Tamera it was just me and these four walls everyday. At least I had somebody to talk to now, even if she couldn't talk back yet. As we were watching tv the power shut off out of no where. Tamera started to scream because of the darkness so I quickly ran to mamas room and grabbed the flashlight. It was the middle of the winter so without the electricity the heater didn't work and it immediately started to get cold in the house. Chicago winters ain't no joke, it was -7 degrees outside and we felt every bit of it. I tried my best to keep us warm and barricaded us in blankets but that didn't really do much to help. I cradled Tammy in my arms as tight as I could and started to blow my breath on her as hard as I could. I guess it was working because she stopped crying and started to fall asleep. As she slept peacefully in my arms I stared at her and cried. There was no way we were gonna be able to make it through the night and mama still hadn't came home. I started to panic because I didn't know what to do. "Mamas never been gone for this long" I thought to myself. It's been 3 days where is she? I let the panic and fear dance around my head untill I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night I heard mama stumbling in which let me know that she was drunk and probably high too. "Why tf is it so dark in here Kay?!" She screamed as her words slurred. "Turn on the fuckin lights!" "I can't ma, they turned the electricity off again." I said as I laid Tammy down on the blanket." "SHIT! I told they ass I would give them the money next week." She said. "What happened to the money you got from your first Of the month check?" I asked. "Don't worry about what the fuck I do with MY money bitch. I'm the mother, your the child so I don't have to explain shit to yo ass now go in the room and take that retarded ass baby with you." She said as she stumbled in the dark trying to find the couch. "Mama don't say that, Tameras not retarded!" I said with anger. "She don't cry, she sleep all damn day, and when she's awake she just stares around the room with them big ass eyes looking crazy as hell so wtf you call that? Normal babies laugh, giggle, and play. She don't do none of that shit." She said as she grabbed the blanket that was covering Tammy, wrapped up with it and laid down on the couch. "She does laugh and giggle you're just never around to see it" I said as I picked her up and wrapped her inside of my sweater. "Yeah whatever" mama said as I walked off. I went into my room and laid Tammy on my freezing cold mattress on the floor. It was so cold and I knew mama wasn't gonna give us those covers back so I put on my shoes and coat, kissed Tammy on the forehead, and whispered "I'll be back" as I left out the door. I walked over to the dollar store a couple blocks from my house and stole a bunch of candles and a lighter. I also stole some pampers, wipes, and enough food to get us through the night. After that I walked over to my bestfriend Rachel's house and knocked on her room window. "Hey wassup Kay?" She asked as she opened the window and I climbed in. I could hear her mom and dad arguing as usual. "Same ole, same ole. Mama finally came home but the lights got cut off again and it's freezing there. Can me and Tamera borrow some blankets?" I asked as my pride shattered. Rachel was my bestfriend and I knew she always had my back but I knew she was tired of me asking to borrow shit and I was even more tired of having to ask. "Yea, how many you need?" She asked as she walked over to the closet. "As many as you can give me" I said. She gave me 5 big blankets that I could barely carry but I was just grateful that we wouldn't freeze tonight. "Thanks Ray, I don't know what I'd do without you girl" I said as I hugged her and started to climb out of the window. "Kay" she called out. "Yea?" I asked as I turned around. "Do you think I'm a hoe?" She asked as she looked at me. "What do you mean?" I asked confused. "For what my daddy makes me do, do you think that makes me a hoe?" She asked. I stood there silent, I didn't know how to respond. "I feel like a hoe sometimes. After it's over and they start to put on their clothes is when it starts to sink in" she said as tears started to form in her eyes. I used to think of her dad as just a pimp but as the years went by I realized he was much more than that. Jermaine was the devil in human form. Not only did he pimp innocent girls and make them have sex for money he also made his own daughter one of his hoes. He'd been pimping Rachel since last year and her mother too. Sometimes he'd even make Rachel and her mother do guys at the same time, just the thought of it made me sick to my stomach. "Kay" Rachel interrupted me from my thought. "What do you think? Am I a hoe?" She asked again. "Of course not Ray, how could you even say something like that?" I said as I grabbed her and hugged her as she cried. I told her no but deep down inside I kind of thought she was a hoe. I mean we were only 10 so I barely knew what a hoe meant but I figured whatever it was she was it. It wasn't her fault though, she was forced to be a hoe so her family could make money. "No amount of money is ever worth that though" I thought to myself as I walked home in the cold. As I walked up the stairs of our apartment I heard mama crying. "Just tell me what you want me to do? I'll do anything. I'll suck yo dick all night long if you want baby please just give me the money I need it" she cried. I walked in and seen mama's on again off again boyfriend Richard. I rolled my eyes as I walked past them and went into my room. "Richard please, anything else I swear I'll do it just not that!" I heard mama yell from the living room. "I said what I said. Now if you really want this money then do what I asked bitch!" He said as he slapped her. A few minutes later she came into my room. "Wow, it feels so warm in here" she said as she looked around the room. "You did all of this Karmen?" She asked. "Yea mama." I said as I hopped up eager to show her how I did it. "I put plastic and blankets over the windows to stop the cold air from coming in and I lit the candles so we can have heat and I made a tent around my bed with the sheets so we can stay warm and it kind of looks like we're camping" I said with a smile. "That's very smart of you Kay" she said as she sat down on the bed. "Mama don't sit on Tammy" I yelled out. "Girl ain't nobody gone sit on that girl. You sure do love this damn baby" she said as she stared at me. "Of course I do, she's my sister. Aren't I supposed to? "Yea but you don't just love her like a little sister. If a person didn't know any better they'd probably think she was your child" mama laughed. "She's all I got mama. She understands me. Even though she's just a baby I feel like we're connected. When I talk to her she looks into my eyes and I swear it feels like she understands. I think it's called sister telepathy or something." "Girl you mean twin telepathy?" Mama laughed. "Yea that. She just makes me feel not alone anymore. I love her so much mama. When she grows up I'm gonna get a good job like be a movie star or singer and make a lot of money and buy her everything she wants" I said as I smiled just thinking about it. "What about yo mama? You gone forget all about me huh?" She laughed. "Of course not ma I'm gonna buy you a big ole house with a lot of tv's in it" I smiled. "Sondra what's taking so long?!" I heard Richard yell through the door. "Come here Kay" mama said as she placed me on her lap. "I need you to do something for me." "What is it?" I asked. "Remember when you were at your auntie Sheryl's house and I tore you and your cousin ass up cause I caught y'all watching that nasty movie that's for grown ups?" She said. "Yea I remember" "Well in a minute Richard is gonna come in here and I need for you to do to him what you saw those girls on the movie doing okay?" "Ma, that's nasty. I don't wanna do that" I said as tears started to fall down my face. "Why not? Your lil fast ass friend does it karmen its natural. You're at that age anyway baby you'll be okay I promise. It'll only hurt for a couple of seconds then before you know it it'll be over. You're a big girl now karmen it's time to grow up and do what you have to do now stop all of that crying!" "But ma why do I have to do it?" I said as I cried uncontrollably. "Because I need the money Kay that's why!" Don't you want us to have electricity? This is the only way he'll give me the money." " Noooo mama please" I cried. "Look at Tamera Kay. She's a new born and she's gonna freeze to death in this house if we don't get this electricity turned back on dammit! Do you want her to die?" "No" I said as I wiped my face. "Then this is what you have to do." I looked over at Tammy who was sleeping peacefully and thought about how much I loved her and how I would do anything for her. I always thought about how if it ever came down to it I would die for her without hesitation so I knew I would do anything for her. "Okay" I said to mama as I cleaned the tears off my face. "I love you so much baby. You're such a good daughter. Sheryl ass always bragging about Monica like she something special cause she got all A's. Fuck that. My daughter is way better!" Mama said as she smiled. "I smiled back as I started to feel butterflies in my stomach, It wasn't that often that mama was this nice to me. I hardly ever heard her say that she's loves me and it made me feel so good. It felt kinda like a drug. I wanted more and more of it and that feeling of love so every time after that whenever she would ask me to sleep with men for money, weather the money be for bills or for her to buy drugs which I knew most of the time it was, I didn't care. I just wanted to feel that love from her. Even years later when I turned 14 and was old enough to get a job helping out at this daycare by my house, I didn't used to get paid much but whatever I would make I would take it and go buy drugs for mama. I know it sounds crazy that i was contributing to her addiction instead of trying to help her get clean but the way I looked at it, as long as she was high she was happy and her happiness was my happiness. Whenever she was sober she'd turn into a completely different person but when she was high she was the greatest mother ever. I needed to feel that motherly affection from her and the only way I knew how was to buy it. Besides, being able to buy the drugs myself instead of having to sleep with Richard for them felt way better. The very thing that I thought Rachel was a hoe for I ended up doing myself. I guess you never know what you'll do untill you're in somebody else's shoes. After that night I vowed that I'd always do anything necessary to take care of mama and Tamera, even if it made me a hoe.