Rawpocalypse

9 - Enhanced

Dr. Kjell Haugen, Norway's most highly-regarded forensic pathologist, drew his paper mask from his face and let it dangle at his neck. He looked across the partially covered corpse to his Swedish med-student and spoke in the language common to both. "What we are dealing with is clearly not infectious."

The short-haired blonde, removed her mask, revealing pleasant features, though Haugen himself denied noticing such things. Ms. Ekman raised a clean eager scalpel. "You want a tissue sample?"

"Ya," he said, wheeling away, stretching off his gloves. "That massive tumor is too tender to be malignant. But you are right indeed, we should have a look." He drew a clipboard from the cart and scanned it casually. "But be cautious with that blade. Those impacted bowels are quite close. You don't want to make that rupture any larger."

His eyes drew to the top of the page. "Tisk, tisk, tisk. It's a shame."

"Pardon, sir?"

"Tipton Doak. I don't imagine you know him."

"I'm afraid you're right. Should I?"

"Nei, he's the American phenom who joined the Norwegian football team—er, I should say, soccer team."

"Oh, I don't follow sports."

"Ah, nor do I. But he did frequent the headlines several years ago."

Ms. Ekman rose, examining her specimen. "Shall we have a look?"

"Ya, have a go at it. Tell me what you see. I'll either confirm or deny your findings."

She froze, midway to the microscope. "Is this a test?"

"No pressure. But, ya."

Haugen wheeled behind her to the workstation and tossed his patent-leather loafers onto the adjacent desk. "As I recall, Mr. Doak here was suspended for using performance-enhancing drugs."

She went about her work, barely acknowledging the discussion. "Is that right?"

"Ya, but he got off, so to speak. The tests proved negative. He filed a suit to reclaim lost wages, but he settled before it went to court."

Ms. Ekman pushed a glass slide under the microscope and drew her eyes tightly to the lenses.

Haugen continued, eager to get to his point. "A colleague of mine was scheduled to testify in the case before it was dropped. He tells me Doak was using enhancement drugs all right . . . male enhancement drugs."

Ms. Ekman turned from the microscope with surprised eyes. "Really?"

Haugen laughed. "Ya, really." He practically burst at the seams, containing himself. "You know the best part? They dropped the case for lack of evidence."

She stared at him with furrowed brow.

"Don't you get it?" he said. "Male enhancement? Lack of evidence?"

She rolled her eyes and turned back to the microscope.

Haugen belly chuckled in self amusement, tipped back in his swivel chair, feet on the desk. "Poor fool. Those drugs simply don't work."

Ms. Ekman pulled away from the microscope, puzzled over it briefly, then plunged back in for another look. "Oh my."

Haugen twirled his pen, patiently awaiting her assessment.

"Kjell," she said, breaking her long standing protocol to call him by first name. "You should look at this."

"Ah-ah, words first."

"The cells in this tissue sample are still alive."

Haugen breathed deeply through his nose, disappointed in the budding med student.

She backed away from the lenses, seeming to interpret his disapproval. Her eyes flashed concern, rather than contempt. "Take a look, please."

Haugen dropped his feet and wheeled to the spectacles. On the other side of the high-powered lenses, cell division was clearly taking place. His head whirled. His eyes focused on the corpse. A mistake must have been made.

"Thank you, Ms. Ekman. You're assessment is quite correct." He rose, tugging his chin. "However, I'm afraid you've failed somewhere in preparing your tissue sample. I'll need to procure another."

She eyed her rubber gloves closely, searching for signs of a contaminant. "I-I don't know where I went wrong."

Haugen took on a more conciliatory tone. "I'm afraid it was my fault. I distracted you with talk of the specimen's penis. It was inappropriate. I do apologize."

Her demeanor changed as well, flaring 180 degrees in the opposite direction. "Well," she said, eyes blazing. "If this is some kind of sick joke, it isn't funny."

She whirled on her heels and stomped from the room, ripping off her rubber gloves, slapping them to the floor.

Haugen huffed, confused by her outburst. With a shrug, he sidled to the clipboard and scribbled in his finding. Acute rupture of the large intestine, resulting in toxic shock.

Whistling an old Norwegian folk tune, he proceeded to close up the body of Tipton Doak.