Greetings Jasper – my faithful confidante,
You know I think that Jasper is going to stick. What do you think Jasper? [Jasper begins to shake his imagined head] Well I'm glad you love it because I will never change it back! MWAHAHAHAHA. Don't forget that this is all for yo-
Sorry I was about to write I'm doing it for your own good HA, what a laugh. Is there any people in the audience that think I'm doing this for anyone but myself?
No one?
Awwwww, you all know me so well. [She says pinching the audiences' cheeks]
Anyhow, I learnt today-yesterday that we are having a new student join our school. I was confused who would want to change school in year twelve, then I thought maybe they didn't have a choice. So anyway, my curiosity was unleashed. And like the hounds of hell – I will hunt down this new person and force them to reveal all of their secrets. MWAHAHAHA.
Tally tells me that curiosity killed the cat, to which I always reply but satisfaction brought it back. And besides I have at least seven more lives.
Jasper: What happened to your 9th life?
Chip: Ha, that's a funny story. Let's just say an unfortunate incident that involved a fork, a toaster and an annoying brother. But that's a story for another time.
Anyway, the new kid arrived today. I might have been a tad excited:
"Why do you need that stuff?" Tally said gesturing to my fabulous attire. Today I decided to dress the part of a celebrated reporter whose duty is to report the secrets of the world to the human populace.
"Excuse me, I am a celebrated reporter whose duty is to report secrets of the world to the human populace." I say with a nod of my hat covered head. I am wearing a fedora with the price tag still connected upon my brightly lit purple hair. Upon my person I have a work suit and in my left hand I hold a recorder.
"Chip did it ever occur to you that maybe you go a dash over board." Tally said putting his fingers close together to explain the correct amount of a dash.
"Tally, Tally, Tally, if that's a dash trust me I'm fine." Tally looked at me with exasperation and disbelief.
"I didn't mean that literally. That's what I get for trying to soften the blow." Tally mumbled to himself.
"Tally," I begin bringing his attention to me "in what world did you believe that I would not want to go overboard?" I finished with a raised eyebrow. Ha three hour practicing in the mirror and I can finally raise my eyebrow. Time well spent.
Tally opens his mouth to probably try and dissuade me from doing this. I think I embarrass him sometimes. But before he can speak I spot the new student, well I don't actually see their face but I see an unfamiliar hat so THEREFORE that must be them.
"Excuse me, press pass, excuse me important reporter, excuse me, coming through, oh yeah that's right you shove me I'll shove back." I say to the crowd of people at the front of the school. What is so interesting? Oh right new kid.
Finally free of the crowd I raise my recorder while simultaneously grabbing a note book – I might have forgotten every single question I planned to ask.
"So tell the viewers, new kid what is your current name? I say current because we all have a choice of disliking our names and this doesn't have to be you permanent name. Also, the viewers are curious as to why you have changed schools so late in your life? By viewers I mean myself. It should also be known that you have no choice in matter or choosing if this may or may not be published to the public because I am a celebrated reporter whose duty is to report secrets of the world to the human populace." I wait for 1 second of silence. This single second of silence tells me one thing. They do not want the world to know their secrets! I knew it.
I looked up to point out this very important fact. But something unprecedented has happened. Something I would never believe if I hadn't of not seen it with my very own eyes.
There is literally no one in front of me right now.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and like the ninja I am I spin kick the attacker, my foot an inch off the ground. I turn to laugh at their hobbled form as they jump up and down from their injured excuse of an ankle. And yes my leg doesn't bend at 180 degrees so no I can't kick them in their face.
"Ha, ha, ha, look at you all hobbled, and disfigured, you will never walk properly again – for the next hour." I laugh and point like the caring person I am.
"Ow, what the *bleep* of the *bleeping* donkey's *bleep* is going on in your *bleeping* head and why the hell are you *bleep* - hey that wasn't a *bleep* sto-*bleep* *bleep* *bleep*." Getting peeved Tally puts his hands over my mouth.
"STOP SAYING BLEEP!" Tally yells into my face, his own face turning red in annoyance. I licked his hand to free myself from this accursed prison.
"Ewwwww." He squealed, in my opinion very girl-like.
"What the hell is wrong with you Chip?! Do you know no boundaries?!" He asked in exasperation.
"Question." I said raising my hand "What is bon-day-rys?" my eyes filled with questions.
"You are so annoying." He comments.
"But you love me."
"I hope you realise I am considering deporting to Mexico." He said already walking away.
"That's great. When are we going?" he groans in reply.
...
I may not have necessarily met the new kid today but I did have my first meeting with them. Yay for me. Why do you doubt me Jasper? I thought you were my faithful servant – I mean friend. [Turns away from Jasper to shed loud blubbering tears(who cries silently these days)] and now that that is out of my system I think it's time to start the homework that is due in 5 hours' time. [Does double take at the clock] Wait its due in 5 hours cra-cerrrrrknickle. Sorry Jaz got to go.
Till next time. Yada yada,
Chip.
.....................................................................................
Sooo I'm back.
Did you miss me?
[realises audience is in the act of skipping the authors note]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Using my telepathic powers i command you to pay attention.
[Audience still doesn't care]
[Cries like the weakling she is]
[Realises audience is taking a video of how sad her life is and posting it on youtube]
But, but, but...
I thought you were my faithful followers.
Sigh...
Guess I'll have to tell you know I have spiked your drink with a love potion.
[Grins evilly]
I know you love me
Until we talk again, don't die,
Kittens_unite
ps. please tell me what you think of my book in the form of comments
And please vote, if you don't know how to vote (which I didn't know for at least 6 months or something) click the little star at the end of the chapter (i'm not crazy its there or your just blind)
Because otherwise people would have already voted I mean its not as if my book is bad or anything.
[Audience turns away with guilty look on their face]
Why me?
Bye ;)
YOU ARE READING
The Life Log of Corrie Cornwell
HumorDear Future readers, My name is Corrie Cornwell, commonly referred to as Chip. I don't know how you got your grubby little hands on this but this is my life log some may call this a diary, but those people are boring and obviously can't recognise ta...
