Dear Diary,

What Went On Part 1

Ok, so yes I am still alive and I am currently freaking out. So I just got back from the pond and it is currently.......shit, it is 3 am on Sunday, November 4. So I suppose I better tell you why I am freaking out and daydreaming at the same time. This is going to be two parts because there is so much to tell and it all happened like this.

I walk to the pond crying my eyes out because of my many thoughts, most of them were things like "you are better off dead", "no one cares about you and no one ever will", and "you will never be anything more than the emotional daddy's girl you are and you can't try to be anything more."

Once I got to the pond I just collapsed by the big tree that was next to the water. I started to ball and I just laid there in a fetal position, hugging myself. I had laid there for a good half hour when my stomach and throat were so sore that I could cry anymore. I had brought a bag with me with several things in it, two of them being sleeping pills and a rope.

I had also packed a drink and some food just in case I started to back out and needed time to think it over. I still wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go through with it so I took out my pocket knife and began to carve my initials into the tree that I was now leaning against.

That was when I found out that I had already carved so much into the bottom that I had no space left. I used to come here every day but then my dad banned me from leaving the house except for school.

The only reason I was able to come today is because he had already passed out on the couch. Mom was still at work so I snuck out without being noticed and I know I won't be missed. Knowing that there wasn't space down below I grabbed my back and put my knife back.

I put my bag over my shoulder and climbed up onto the thick branch that I used to climb to. I sat there and once again pulled out my knife, but this time I didn't carve into the tree. I pulled up my hoodie sleeves and brought it across my forearms over and over again until the blood dripped onto the ground.

I then took out some bandage that I had brought with me and wrapped my arms. I then looked at my legs, I happened to have a pair of jean shorts on that were short enough to see most of my thighs. I brought the knife along my thighs and then wrapped them also, I was alone so I didn't care who else saw my scars for once.

At school, I never show my scars, I hide them under giant hoodies and skinny jeans. I then plugged my earbuds into my iPod and began to listen to Silent Scream by Anna Blue and again I began to cry. I wouldn't have called it balling but I still cried and even though my stomach pain was torture I didn't care.

I was singing along to the music with my head leaned against the tree and my eyes closed. I was tired, not just as in sleepy, I was tired of crying, tired of hurting, and tired of trying to fight it all. I just wanted to rest..........maybe for forever.

I had decided that it was time, I would go with the sleeping pills, I would overdose and no one would have known until they find me. I put my iPod and earbuds back in my bag and just as I am taking the pills out, I hear something, something had stepped on a stick below me

I automatically turned toward the noise and saw someone. I couldn't believe it, what was he doing here. How did he find this place, it is hard to find. Why in the hell was Grey here, at the pond, staring at me when I am getting ready to end it all.

He just stood there in his dark gray, ripped up pants, black FOB hoodie and his headphones hanging around his neck. He was staring straight at me and so I grabbed my bag and climbed down, it was time to leave, he couldn't be here when I was like this.

I was walking out of the area when he ran up behind me and then spoke.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Nothing, I have to go." I began to walk and then he grabbed my arm.

"Ow!! Let go of my arm!!! You're hurting me!!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to. Why does your arm hurt? What happened to it?"

Finally he let go, "Nothing.....don't worry about it."

"No, tell me.........I want to know."

"......I have to go." 

I turned and walked away from him but he jumped in front of me and blocked my exit. Why wouldn't he just let me leave? Why did he care so much? I needed to leave before he found out more about me then he should. He looked me up and down and then he reached my legs.

"Hey, what's with the bandages on your legs.......holy shit is that blood underneath the bandage!?", shit.

"N....no.....just leave me alone, I need to go."

"No! I am not letting you leave, tell me what is going on, I get here and you are crying in the tree with bandages on your legs and about to take some kind of pills! Tell me what the fuck is going on!!"

"I SAID DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT IT!!!!! Just leave me alone!!!"

"No, I want to help you, what is going on!!!!????"

"FINE!!! I ran away from house because my dad is abusive and that's why I am here, I cut because I am always bullied at school and that's what the bandages are for, I was about to kill myself because my life is a living hell so that is why I was about to take the sleeping pills. I was crying because of everything that goes on ok!!!!! Can I leave now!!???"

"................Holy shit Autumn.....", then his expression changed from scared and shocked to worried and serious and he grabbed my upper arms.

"Did you take any of those pills!!!!???"

"What!?"

"Answer the damn question Autumn, did you take any of those pills!!??"

"No, why!!???"

"Good but you should have come to me!!! If you would have told me about what you were going through I would have helped!!!! I understand what you are going through..........I have had the same stuff happen to me......." 

He then rolled up his sleeves and then I gasped, covered my mouth and cried. He had deep scars, deeper than mine and mine are fucking deep. He had them all over his arms and there wasn't a spot on them that didn't have a scar.

Soooooooooo, anything.....

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Love ya'll, bye <3